Sucker Punched

Ok, I've never really been punched, but I imagine that this is about what it would feel like. Overall, I'm healing quite well, with just the occasional twinge when I overdo it. I even mostly stopped taking the pain meds (i'm only taking one at bedtime). I can't figure out why they give people so dang many. Really, this is how people get hooked on this crap. It's a fair bet to say that there are idiots out there who will take the pain meds more religiously than antibiotics. Admittedly, I didn't want to feel anything of having been cut open for about 2 days, but the s/e of the meds hit me hard; by Fri, I was stuck in nightmares that I couldn't wake up out of. I decided to toughen up & live with a little pain.

Enough about that. The emotional part of this hit me today. Or maybe it's pms. Either way, I was driving along & a great song comes on. Before I know it, I've got tears. ~"stop an.d st.are, yo.u thi.nk you'r.e mo.ving, but you'v.e go.ne nowh.ere. Ye.ah I kn.ow that ev.er.yo.ne ge.ts sca.red, but I've be.co.me wh.at I can't be."~ Ugh. It's official. I've had a surgery for the sole purpose of "I can't reproduce & there's gotta be something wrong with me". Yes, this probably sounds idiodic with being separated & all. "Steph, don't you mean you can't reproduce because you haven't had sex since April?" Well, yeah, clearly. But other than that? To have a surgery to clear out stuff that shouldn't be there in the first place is kinda hard to swallow. How can this be me? My whole life, the plan included getting married & having kids. Not just included, that was the plan. The only plan. No real backup plan there. Why does there have to be a plan to GET TO the plan now? This sucks. How are there so many other women out there who make it look so blasted easy? (this rant is NOT against any of my currently pg IF friends, i still love you & am very happy that you got there)

 Have I mentioned the pg 19yr old at work? She makes me sick. She's about 5 months along & since she decided to face up to her parents & tell them about this one (yes, "this one", 2nd pg of the yr, she took the other route for the first one), we're all supposed to be happy for her & supportive & interested in details. Well, I"M NOT!!! I want to tell her parents about the first one. She says that they already know this one's not her bf's baby, so I'd like to ask everyone else at work how they're putting on a happy face for princess sleeparound. And I REALLY want to shake her & ask where she gets off thinking of a pg, a baby, a human life, as so easy to come by that she can just pick & choose which ones are inconvenient & which ones are a reason for joy-  which ones die & which ones get to be raised. Then I want her to let me know why, by all rights of reason, she thinks that SHE should be responsible for the upbringing of this innocent child. It's just not right! And it's one of the things that makes me think others' crazy. That everyone views this as "normal". While there are married, adult women with stable home lives & much to offer a child. Women who would view the baby as precious from the moment they found out about it. If only they could find out about it. If they could give it a stable first environment. Those of us who would move heaven & earth to be able to gestate, to bring about life, to have a life entrusted into our care.

Like I said, I've never been literally sucker punched. But I have a feeling this is a lot what it would feel like. Please forgive my little pitty party. Or join in to let me know I'm not the only one! I love ya all, thanks for staying with me. =)

Post Lap

Hi! Thanks for all the nice comments. It all went pretty well. The dr did not find any endo, but he did find (and remove) 2 small fibroids. He also drained several of the cysts. So, I'm relieved that it's not endo, but also glad that there was something there. They also shot dye through my tubes & found them to be perfectly clear. :)

So, things that no one tells you about it- the stuff they put in your iv is freakin cold! And it makes your whole body feel like lead. You will dribble on yourself trying to take a drink in the recovery room. I vaguely remember telling the nurse that I'm usually pretty good w/straws. She giggled & said it happens to everyone. On that note, recovery nurses probaby hear a LOT of secrets & stories. Anesthetic works better than truth serum! (not that i have a point of reference on that.) It also messes with your memory. I did a couple pages in a coloring book at mom's, but I don't really remember doing it. The colors are pretty good though, normal stuff.

Yesterday, my shoulders hurt worse than anything. Oh & they catherize during surgery, so it BURNS to go potty the first few times. Today, the incisions hurt a little, but I'm keeping up on the pain meds & anti-nausea meds. Oh & when I cough (dang tube down my throat!), it's best to hold my side. I did think it was very cool of them to wait until I was fully out before doing the cath & tube, & they were both out by the time I woke up. I have not been hungry. Food sounds good, but I don't actually feel like eating. Ok, I'm beginning to feel like this is a drug-induced ramble. So, I'll sign off for today. Here's a pic of the pretty flowers my in-laws sent me-

(Martini, who's been ignoring me since I got back, can't understand why I won't let him eat them!)

Lap tomorrow

Well, Today if anyone notices the time stamp. But I'm still up so it's still Tues to me!

I'm not really nervous. Or, well, anything. Exept thirsty. I didn't do my usual bedside water just so I wouldn't be tempted.

I'm kinda hopeful that they'll find something. I think my biggest fear is that they won't find anything. Even if it's not endo, there's gotta be SOMETHING, right? Right?!?! I would be shocked if they didn't notice whatever is on my left ovary. On the inside, toward the bottom. It's been hurting in varying degrees for a few months now. The randoms stabbing pains from it have gotten more frequent & I think it's what causes the spotting during the month.

So anyway. I also don't want to be out too long. I bought a couple all-cotton short sundresses for recovery. Soft, comfy, cute, not tight or binding, & I won't feel like I've spent the day in jammies. (actually braved w.al.mar.t for these!) I'm sure I'll be spending some time on line & catching up some stuff...... As long as I don't need too much of the pain meds. If I do, I'll be out cold snoring & drooling.

If anyone would like to see a really funny depiction of what I do, go to Y.ou T.ub.e & look uo Rai.de.r M.o.e's. I don't want to post a link that could lead anyone back to my blog, but it's worth it. Totally funny!

Alright. A.mb.ian has kicked in, so I'll stop before I get loopy. I'll definitely be catching up with all y'all in a day or two. Love ya!

Hi

 Whoops, it seems to have been a while. Sorry. Overall things are going pretty well. Except that today I'm home sick from work. I won't go into gory details, but I hae a cyst that is messing with my whole body. I had just been in pain most of the wk, but today the bathroom has been my "bff". Has anyone ever tried the ginger chews from T.J's? Good stuff, I think I've eaten almost a whole bag today.

 I'm happy to report that T took me seriously & sched a Dr. appt w/i 2wks of being there. He saw a sleep specialist who has put him on a rather aggressive weight loss program. He still needs to do the actual sleep study too. He also started seeing a therapist & is taking meds. The therapist is also working with him on communication skills & being more assertive upfront. Most important, he has started taking his spiritual life seriously. Our religion has biblical guidelines for the members & even in how husbands & wives should treat each other. He's been getting help from the elders & making better use of prayer to put those principles in action.

 After the first couple wks of me being really angry, we started talking on a nearly daily basis & it's daily now. We've talked & actually listened to each other's points. We've also been trying to do some spiritual reading/discussion together at least once a week. My lap is in 6wks, so we're planning on me going out there in Sept. I'll visit for a wk to make sure he's really done the things he's said. Then he'll prob either be flying home with me or shortly there after. He's already started putting feelers out for a job. So far, even from the indications I've gotten form his family, he has not tried to put any of this back around on me. He has accepted the blame for what he did & is working to fix the damage. I gotta say, I didn't know what to expect when I sent him away, but I'm really happy it's gone this way.

 My parents were rather worried about me going back over to the house the way it is. I agreed that it would be easier to stay here. :)  I'm happy to say that I'm planning on painting this w/e & we should start laying flooring Mon! Woohoo!  (Misty- dad's on board w/your carpet. call/text me!)

 Ok, so that's my totally self-centered little post. I'm amazed to see I didn't lose all my readers, you ladies are awesome. What's new with you? Fill me in on what I missed! =)

Checking in

Hello all. I really have so much in my head right now & none of it is coming out in any way that makes sense, so apologies in advance.

After reading  about the crap that Nancy is getting on her blog, I went back through & saved a few of my posts as "drafts". I really wish that Blo.gg.er had a way to password protect just certain posts, but I guess that works. I know it's just paranoid thinking, I don't get nearly as many readers as she does. But still, I'm feeling kinda down lately, & people can be really hateful.

Travis made it out to MT safely. Thankfully, it sounds like his family wants to help him improve instead of turning this all around to me being evil. It's so difficult to say how I feel about him being gone. Ummm, relieved? in some ways. Very sad that it came to this. Hopeful that it'll be a good thing in the long term. Pretty much everyone where I work knows he's gone, but not details on why. My boss pulled me aside on Thurs & I expected it to be a "keep it together at work" speech. Instead, he said that we're like a big family at T.J. & we look out for each other, so to let him know if I need anything. It was really sweet. I've gotten that offer a lot actually, but I really just don't know what, if anything, I need. I've actually been kinda numb & that's ok for now.

Oh & "thank you" FB for starting to remind me that this Thurs is our anniversary. Yeah, I really needed that! Actually, mom told me the other day that (assuming he gets his crap together & we can reconcile) when he gets back, she & dad are going to throw us a 10yr anniversary party. That's pretty cool. I'm not telling him that though, because I really want him to focus on improvement & not any certain date. He has sent me some pretty nice texts, and it seems like he's starting to see the big picture, but people don't change overnight & I'm still insistant on him seeing a therapist.

Well, that's about all that will come out even semi-sensibly. I've stayed at my parents' through the w/e, but I have Mon & Tues off, so will be getting back over to the house. I miss my kitties! The kitties here are super anti-social, mine are snugglers. I'll try to update again soon. Much love to all of you!

PS- If anyone is wondering why I didn't STAY private, well, ummm, it turns out that I'm a comment whore. So, "private" kinda sucks.