I did

  I'm officially divorced now. It's...odd. There's a lot that no one ever really tells you about getting divorced. Even when it's the right thing to do, there are still mixed feelings. I'd be lying if I said I don't feel any regret over this. Not over getting divorced, but that it turned out this way. Thanks to the great state of SC making me wait a yr before I could file, I had plenty of time to think about it. It was far from a rash decision & I feel it was the best one for me, for my mental & emotional well-being. Even right down to the court date though, the process is designed to make you question what you're doing. The judge questioning me was nerve-wracking; if I got the answer wrong, would I flunk out of class? T did not show up for it. I think that's the final break of any shred of respect I may have had for him. For him to just sit back & let me go through any of the difficult points of this just speaks a lot for what our relationship was.

  But, I've done it. I did & I'm stronger for it. A friend pointed out a couple wks ago that he's proud of me because I have fought for & earned everything I have in my life right now. My freedom, strength, courage, success, & happiness are all mine because I wanted them & I made it happen. He was right. I'll point out that I had great support though. And, I certainly learned who my real friends are. Many of the people I referred to as friends just a couple short yrs ago dropped me when things got rough. There are very few from the congregation I went to who will still say hello when they see me (i stopped going to meetings. i couldn't reconcile being told that i was wrong for not putting up with t's crap anymore & i can't be a part of a religion that will allow him to treat me the way he did, yet still be in good standing). I've actually had my faith & spirituality shaken right to it's very core. This has also cost me a lot financially. I've learned to cut losses & rely on my (sometimes rather strict) budgeting skills.

 What I've gained, though, trumps all of that. After everything, I consider myself ahead. I'll leave you with a picture that I saw the other day. It just made sense to me. I cut the rope, now the sky's the limit.

Therapy works

I was going to post this about a wk ago, just because I was amazed by how well I got through the 12th, aka: Mother's Day & what would've been my 12th anniversary. The wk got crazy though, so now I'll tell you how well I got through the whole wk.

I'll start by saying that about a month ago, Dr D reduced my Zoloft from 150mg/day to 100mg/day. With her direction, I've added in Sam E & another multi-vit formulated for mental health. I have a great support network that I let know about it & gave myself permission to go easier on myself if needed. With the exception of a couple days, it's going pretty well (those days came after it rained for 5 days straight, i was a zombie!!!).

So, fast forward to the 12th. I worked that day & didn't even need extra meds. I saw plenty of families & wished a lot of "Happy Mother's Day". I had gone shopping with my niece the day before (she's a blast, 7 months old & the kid loves the mall) & put together cards/gifts for my mom & sis. While at work, I had fun chatting w/kids about what they did for their moms & helped a few of them with flowers & other gifts. It crossed my mind a couple times how old my babies would be & what they may have gotten me. And it crossed my mind what we might have been doing for our anniversary But I didn't go to pieces, or dwell on it. They were only thoughts. I was able to say "ok, that happened, but right now I'm at work & have a job to do". It was nice to not be controlled by the past.

The week got a little crazier from there. Travis came to town to visit his friend & go to the race in Charlotte. April marked the date of us being separated for a yr & I hadn't filed yet because he'd told me that he had (still can't tell me the truth!). I've found a few surprises in going through paperwork & bills since he's been gone; I've gotten it mostly sorted out & needed to go over a few things with him as to who's paying what. In talking on the phone, I found out that he'd decided not to have a lawyer & that he hadn't actually filed for divorce, so we agreed that we could talk it over & be civil about getting this done.

We met up on Wed & it was...interesting. It was perfectly friendly, there were even a few times that we were laughing & joking. I could remember why we were friends, why I'd enjoyed hanging out with him. But that was all, I can look at him & see a good guy, but not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. He asked if I hate him or if I only remember the bad. No to both. I hate what he did to me, I hate what our marriage became, but I don't hate him. I told him that somewhere in the last year, I'd come to peace with the fact that there are good memories. I gave myself permission to have them w/o them affecting the final outcome of this. And, despite it all, I don't bad-mouth him or run him down.

On Friday, I filed the divorce.. The woman at the courthouse was so matter-of-fact about it. I'm sure it's every day business for her, but it was awkward. Travis left town last night. He came by work on his way out so I could serve him the papers & get his signature on a couple things. After we did the paperwork, I gave him a hug, told him to take care & have a safe trip back. He left, I went back in to work, took a couple of deep cleansing breaths, & finished my night.

I dunno 'bout anyone else, but I'm pretty proud of myself. There was a time that any of the above would've sent me into a total panic attack & running for Ativan, but I did it. I got through it. (i'll admit that during the course of last wk, i broke out in hives, had 3 eczema breakouts, a fever blister, digestive issues, a stress-induced migraine, & a minor flip-out on my bf, but got over it all) All in all, I am so much stronger than I ever knew I was capable of.

Live & Learn

  I'm not sure that anyone still reads this, but if anyone does, I figured I'd put in an explaination. Anyone who's friends w/me on FB probably saw the change in my relationship status. So, what happened? Well, my dr would probably call it an emotionally stable breakthrough. :)  Cory is a great guy, but he withdrew & became very introverted to the point of ignoring me. I respect him & his need for space, but I need more than that out of a relationship. One or both of us would've had to change too much about ourselves to make it work. That's not fair to anyone. We parted & wished each other the best. It stung, but it'll be for the best.

  I gave myself a couple weeks to sort it through in my head, then decided to reactivate my online account. I've met a couple of nice people & the biggest thing I'm trying to remember now is to not get into anything too fast. I also give myself frequent reminders that I am a complete person on my own, regardless of relationship status. (being bombarded by Valentine's Day crap all wk did NOT help though!)

  On a totally cool front, the last time I talked to Dr D, she mentioned that we're going to start reducing my meds in the Spring. The goal is to be off them completely, or at least on the lowest dose possible. :)
Anyway, I still think about you all a lot, I hope everyone is doing well.