Update

Thank you to all of you for the support & kind words. Things did not really go how I planned yesterday, but I'm ok. After posting all that & thinking most of the afternoon about what my next step would be, my mood was considerably different by the time he got home. He noticed. I tried passing it off as "nothing", or "I don't want to get into this conversation right now", but he kept asking. I ended up calmly & clearly telling him that I want a separation. I briefly touched on a few of the reasons & ended it with telling him that I'm tired of feeling like I always have to be holding my breath for the bad news to come. That I don't really trust anything he says due to the frequency & number of lies he's told. That I can't believe that he can lie straight to my face, or watch me check on things while knowing darn well that he hadn't done it to begin with.

All in all, he took it pretty well. His first reaction was to point out that I'm not perfect either (i really never have claimed that i was), but I stood my ground. I stated that I was not telling him this to start a fight or open a discussion about it. It is what I've decided to do & he can work on the things if he doesn't want it to be permanent. I don't think he was expecting that. End result is that he is over at my sis' house (she was concerned about how I would feel about that, but it's really ok w/me). After he calmed down, he started texting me last night & we text-chatted for a bit. His first concern was whether there's someone else. (no, absolutely, positively not) He has agreed to go to marriage counseling. I can't tell you how many times I've asked for that & he has flat out refused. I think I have figured out what I want. (it's not really to be alone the rest of my life, or even to be with anyone else.) Please let me know if any of this sounds unreasonable-

1. I want full control of the finances. I do not want him to balance the checkbook, have the online password, or even have a debit card. I'm not a stingy or cruel person & will make sure he gets cash for what he needs.

2. I want to see him motivated on his own, without me asking, to go to the religious meetings. Prepared by at least bringing the correct books.

3. I don't want to have to be the one to tell him to shower! This should be a part of a daily grooming routine.

4. I want him to schedule & go in for a sleep study. This is not just a noise issue- it bothers me to know that he's not sleeping well & living a lower quality of life because of it. I think he would have more energy & feel better motivated to do things if he was getting proper rest.

5. I want to work out a system where he can communicate with me w/o lying. If a therapist can get to the bottom of why he feels he needs to, it would be worth it. I don't see myself as a tyrant who flies off the handle about every little thing. I have repeatedly told him that I can deal with bad news upfront better than dealing with bad news & the fact that he lied.

So, I'm still going to get my own acct & start taking control of things. But I'm not going to just cut off all contact, or do a legal separation for now. I will also promise to hear him out & try to understand how he sees things. I really didn't mean to make it sound like he's the devil & I'm a saint. He really does have good qualities. I just think right now I'm so fed up with the crap that it's clouding the others out. But I have rocked the boat, I have started change, & I will see it through to a better outcome. I need to get some sleep. I'll try to post again soon. Misty- I'm sorry I didn't call back. By the time we had dinner & got home, it was pretty late. I will call you tomorrow evening though.

Honesty

This post will not be easy for me to write, so please bear with me as I will need your support. I am typically of the thought of not airing my dirty laundry on this blog, so this may also come as a bit of a shock to many. Ok, no nice way to put it, enough stalling, I am going to get a separation from my husband. Ok, it's out. Now I feel I owe you some explanation behind this decision.

Have you ever seen one of those couples where one of them is fun to be around & a good worker & well put together & the other one is lazy & kinda looks like a slob all the time? And you look at them & think "how did she (or he, i've seen it both ways) end up with him (her)!?!?!" Ok, I've realized that I'm the first person. He is completely unmotivated to do anything & if I don't do something to change it, I will end up completely crazy.

I've always had the idea of marriage being a partnership, where both people do what they can to better the life of the other. My marriage is not. I'm getting tired of feeling like I have a boulder attatched to me, keeping me from pursuing anything good. For a long time, he had me believing that it was my perspective, so I tried very hard to focus on the good. I wouldn't say anything bad about him to others, so I very rarely discussed our problems with anyone either. I'm finding this to be a barrier to posting it here too, but I will give you a few examples. I would like to give a disclaimer that my decision is NOT about finances. Money comes & goes & I can deal with that. Rather, it's about the way he approaches problems & that he never grew up & learned to take responsibility.

To start with, I realized about 4-5 months before we got married that I was selling myself short. He is a good guy, he has his plus side, but our personalities, goals, & standards are as different as night & day. I thought maybe it was cold feet & thought I was in too far by that point to call it off. I'll admit a mistake- we slept together before we got married. In our religion, that's a big no-no & at the time, I thought it was better to just get married & see it through, rather than deal with the ramifications of that. (we have since then, admitted to that & been reproved). So, I punished myself worse than anyone else would've & I'm done doing it.

I didn't go into this dooming myself though, I was taught that any two people can make a marriage work if they follow bible principles & work at it. The financial problems started 2wks before the wedding when he was laid off. He did find another job, but it was only pt & not really working well. I approached his parents for help, all I wanted was for his dad to talk to him, maybe help him in budgeting & give some practical advice about finding a FT job, or working two jobs. His parents refused to get involved. Fine. His g-ma however (very sweet woman, i do love her) would slip him money here & there which did not motivate him to do anything more for himself, for us. (i have worked FT, or close to it, for our entire marriage)

So a lot of couples start off in debt. We ended up on debt counselling, he got a better job, & it was tight, but things started to work out financially. That was when I started taking a look into what some of the debt was. And found out things he was lying to me about. (at the time, it was porn ppv's) I HATE being lied to. Almost as much as I hate porn (the standards differences here) . I was justifiably rather hurt, because at the times that he was watching the most, he was denying me.

That was just the start of what he'd lie to me about. Over the yrs, he's smoked off & on, gotten drunk on occasion, & I believe the porn has been an ongoing issue. Anytime I've had problems with any of this, I've first gotten it thrown in my face that "not everyone can be as perfect as you", then he comes back a few hrs later apologetic & promising that he'll change. And, for some stupid reason, I'd believe him. He'd try for a few months, but whenever I'd look too closely, I'd find little lies in everything. His lies are "progressive", he'll start with something like (real example) "I did the taxes online, we'll have $x$ in our account in 2wks" When 3 wks had rolled by, I asked what was taking so long, he had me get online to check it & it said our thing hadn't been processed yet. He said "these things take time, they probably had a lot this time of yr". Ok, so another 2wks go by, during which I've checked daily, so I confront him to ask if he missed a step, if he's sure it went through. "I'll check that" turned into "That info was on the computer that crashed" O-k. It went on like that for over 3 months before he admitted that he had NOT e-filed, but had printed them & sent it. Another month later it turned into he had never mailed them off, or filled them out, or even printed them. So, by then, I'm pretty ticky that he's lied about it for that long, then I get accused of being an unreasonable bitch for raising my voice. See what I mean? Who does that to someone they claim to love!?!?!? He has lied to me about so many stupid, little, everyday "who gives a rip" things that I barely believe anything he says anymore.

Over the past couple months, we both did job changes. After I got out of the hosp, I tried a few days back at work, then used FMLA while I looked for another job. Only after I was hired on at TJ's did I go in & officially quit L1. He, on the other hand, walked into R's & had fun burning that bridge. The cleaning business that he is starting up STILL is pretty slow. When he first quit R's, I felt he was justified, but asked, begged, him to apply for unemployment. He went to the office once, decided it was too long a wait & left. Even when we figured out that you can apply online, he put it off for a few wks. He claims he did it a few wks ago & claims that it's pending & hasn't been rejected, but I'm not holding my breath. So, in the meantime, we've been living off my checks. I found out last wk that a few of the jobs he has done have given him some pretty decent tips & he KEPT the money for his own usage! WTH! Where does he get off letting me bust my butt & having my checks go to living expenses & feeling entitled to keeping $25-30 here & there for himself? To eat out or go to a mid-day movie!

On a spiritual note, I feel like he's a hinderance too. As the head, he hould be taking the lead. I can't tell you how often I go to meetings by myself. Part of the reason he quit R's was supposed to be the ability to not have work get in the way. Well, this w/e is a 2 day assembly in NC & he booked jobs for the w/e. Now he's trying to convince me to stay home with him & go a different w/e. No! I requested the time off for this 2 months ago & he's done this before, know what happens? We don't go! I'm going to travel up with my parents.

So, those may seem like some major marriage issues, but I think it's the day to day things that have me fed up more. How many adults need to be told to shower every day? Not many, right? He'll go for 2-3 days w/o showering, until I'm to the point of threatening that he will be sleeping on the porch if he doesn't. When we go out places, he takes no initiative to look nice- shave, put on clean clothes (he can have a dozen clean shirts hanging in the closet & will still go for the one that he's worn for 2 days already!), use a lint roller, brush his teeth, etc. There are times that I'm embarassed to be seen with him.

I've probably also mentioned that he snores & I know I've mentioned that I don't sleep well. I've had that stupid sleep study set up for him 4 different times & he'd cancel or no-show it every time. When I talk to him about it, I'M selfish for wanting him to spend a night sleeping in a strange place with monitors hooked up to him.

The issue is that he has the ability to pass himself off as an adult to others. To really know what I'm talking about, someone would have to live with him for a couple weeks. I've been to this point before & he manages to convince others that I'm unreasonable, or blame it on my mental health, so I've caved & given him more chances. But he never works on any of the changes he promises! I've had enough of it. I'm standing my ground this time, enough is enough!

I really don't know what will happen from this point. I'm going to start with changing all the passwords to any of my on-line communications. When I get my check next wk, my mom is going to set up an account for me under her name so he can't access it. That's the easy part. The hard part will be getting him out from under the same roof as me. As I see it, he can either go back to MT & I'll ship his stuff to him. Or, he can move in with his friend here. I'm not taking him back until I see improvement. I will set measurable things. I want to see him take interest in his spiritual life, the ability to save money in an account,, & the ability to function as a clean human being. I won't really set a time frame on it, but if it goes past the 1 yr time for a separation, I may file for divorce. I'm a little afraid of breaking this to him. He has gotten physical with me in the past, or he may try to guilt me. IDK, but I've got my parents' full support.

As for what I'll do- I'll move into the house as planned, I can afford it on my own. I'll probably seek out a room mate. If he's able to grow up, maybe we can work it out & things will be better. If not, I'll be single & things will be better. As far as children go, I think single women can adopt. And, I honestly have a better chance of raising an adopted child by myself than of raising any child in the instability of living with him.

If you got this far, thanks. I'll try to post again soon to let you know how things are going. Please forgive me if I don't comment for a bit on your blogs & PLEASE don't say anything about this on FB!

Snow, snow, snow...

There's about 6" of snow outside. That would be "ok", but we are also supposed to get freezing rain. That part is not too fun. We let the cats out onto the deck this morning, they were less than impressed with the white stuff. Mom's cat, Mikey, tried to take a bite & ended up with it all over his wiskers. Snow days only seem fun, I don't like the thought of having to be cooped up in the house. To all my Southern friends in this storm- stay warm & SAFE! Don't drive if you don't have to!

I did end up calling in yesterday. The At.iv.an worked, but it also put me to sleep. Dr D cancelled all appts for today. I think she was going to call in a refill for me though. I'm not totally out, but I do have to get some soon. I'm hoping she will resched for Fri, I need to talk to her about getting back on A.mb.ian. I have not slept well in over a wk & have had about enough of it.

Not much other than that. Speaking of family stress though- I've told you all that my older sis is developementally disabled. She'll be 34 next month, but she'd emotionally/mentally about 11-12ish. We don't paint her world in rainbows & roses, but we (the family) do tend to shield her from quite a bit. There are these two women in our cong who really need to get the memo. One of them is divorced, the other is at least legally separated. They had been roomies for the past yr or so. Both of them are....those kinds. You know, the ones who have every ailment imaginable (mostly self-diagnosed & treated), tons of food allergies (again S/D), no money ever, too many pets, & it's all their ex's faults. All of it, really. Anyway, for reasons I don't get, my sis is friends with them. Only, this is really starting to bug me because they show NO tact in sharing these problems with her. This wk it's that they got in a tiff & the one who doesn't own the house stayed in a hotel Sat night & is saying that she is living out of her car now. (imo- a self-induced problem) Actually, this pisses me off for reasons I can't quite explain. About the only way I can is to say that I don't think it's right to lay adult problems on a 12yr old! She understands enough of it to feel bad for them, but doesn't have the emotional resources to not stress out about it. For any of her other faults, my sis is a very kind-hearted person. My parents agree with me, but the problem with talking to either of these women is that they will take offense to it. I'm to the point where I don't give a rip if I do offend them, I'm ready to tell them to cut the crap & find real adults to talk to.

Anyway, here are some snow day pics for ya, enjoy! -

C'mon out, is fun.... Dunno, it looks cold out there!

Ok, we tried it, but didn't go too far!


Pawprints in the snow.






I promised a pic when the blanket is half done, so here it is. Well, it'a a little more than half since there are only 7 rows across. The camera did not do well on the color, but you get the idea. I'll post another when it's all the way done. (and, as always, Ping is ready & willing to help!)







Since we were all here all day, mom made soup & a chicken. Ping decided to take a spot at the table next to my sis. Silly kitty!

WoooSahhhh...

Ever just have one of those days where you wake up in a full panic & can't figure out why or how to make it go away? I've already had an A.ti.va.n & decided that I wasn't going to the meeting with everyone. Now I want it to kick in so I can get to work later. Other than feeling panicky, I woke up with a sore throat/ stuffy nose & yet another cold sore! I just got over a round of them 2wks ago, now the top lip is going. Grrrr! I'm just feeling totally run down & achy (the cramps & feeling weepy aren't helping either).

What I want to do today is call in sick to work & spend the day crocheting w/Ping on my lap, while sipping tea & listening to soothing music. What I'm probably going to do today is wait a few more minutes, take another a.ti.va.n & get my butt to work. Calling in does not count against us if we have a dr's note & I do have an appt to see Dr. D tomorrow. If I knew she'd write me a note for a panic attack, I'd call in. I seriously hate this. I'm fine when I've got it under control, then I'll have a day like this & no one really gets it so I feel like I should just suck it up & get on with life, all the while questioning my ability to do so! Why can't any part of my body work nicely?!?!

Tampon Reveiw

Sorry this is so late in the day. I kinda fell back to sleep & slept too long after everyone left this morning. I was in cramp hell & Travis was no longer snoring next to me, but I did have a snuggly cat, so it just seemed right. Posting that yesterday was enough to make AF show. Stupid 37 day C, getting my hopes up... Anyway, let's do a tampon reveiw!

I've been a Ta.mp.ax "Pe.arl Gi.rl" for several yrs now & have loved them. Mostly. Up until this last yr. I don't know if they changed them, or if it's me, but they've been getting increasingly less comfortable. To the point that I've gone to using pads on my last day or two of AF. In case I've never mentioned it, I HATE pads. I've used tampons pretty much exclusively since I was 12.

So, that sent me on a search for a more comfortable tampon. I believe I have found them! It started with me cracking up everytime I saw their commercials. Then I tried their pads & was amazed at how thin, yet absorbant they are. By visiting their website, I got a free sample (plus coupons!) of their tampons. Now it's official- I'm switching to U.b.y.ko.tex. Insertion is smooth, I can't feel them, no leakage, they're compact & fit nicely in a purse or pocket, & (juvenile as it may sound) the packaging is pretty cool. So there's my review. What do you use & why is it your fav?

Now because I can't believe that I just had a feminine products post, I'll tell you about the stupidest thing I did at work yesterday. It was maybe because I took a da.rv.oc.et before going to work & was STILL in pain, but I broke an entire carton of eggs. At the register. While checking to see if there were any cracked ones. They got all over the floor & even on my shoe. Not my best moment. I check hundreds of dozens of eggs all the time & I swear this carton jumped out of my hands! Another employee said "when you're shopping, you check your own eggs, right?" Well, yeah, my mom taught me to. "If these shoppers don't know to do that themselves, why should you do it for them?" Ummm, I dunno. I guess cause I would be upset if I got all the way home & found a bunch of bad ones in the "cage free, no antibiotics, vegitarian fed, these chickens live in a palace with staff" eggs that I just spent $4 for. What do you think? Is checking of the eggs up to the buyer? Or should I give them the extra service since they decide to come into our busy store (often with children or work still calling them) & spend their money on dinner after a long day?

It was also annoying bitchy old lady day at the store. Why do they all choose to come in on the same day?!? That one wasn't just me, they were hitting the other employees too (our poor meat girl got a 30 minute speech on business 101 because we don't order 30 diff cuts of kosher meat {economics 101- we have to order by the case, people buy one or two of each kind, we have to spoil the rest= major loss! we will order in whatever cuts you want, but you have to commit to buy the case, or get enough friends together to buy the case!}). I can take most bagging requests, & I try to be smart about heavy things on the bottom, cold/frozen things together, etc.; but if you have some totally idiotic thing where each bag can't be more than 1/4lb, or your chicken can't touch your beef & none of the meat can touch ANYTHING else (not kosher, just germ phobic), or you want everything packed by color- Either go get therapy, or pack your own dang groceries! Thank goodness there's not a hidden recorder in the breakroom, these people don't know that they are our lunchtime entertainment.

Well, that's enough from me today. Hope y'all have a great w/e! :)

Stupid cycles!

Did I tell you that my Cs have been "normal" since Aug? Almost clockwork of 28 days, except Nov, which was 26 days. Well that was fun, but my body is done doing that. I'm on day 39 now with no af in sight. No cramps, no bloating, no spotting. I've been a little moody, but I think it's because I keep forgetting to take my Z.ol.oft. And I've been tired, but we just moved & I'm sleeping in a new place. I'm testing first thing tomorrow, but I won't be holding my breath. Of course, just typing this out loud will prob be enough to make her show up. I'll let you know what FR says though.

Cool story- I met a customer yesterday with boy/girl 16 month old twins. We got on the subject of how scary it can be if they come early (hers did) & if they have health complications. She mentioned that she felt bad telling her friends that they couldn't see, touch, or hold the babies while they were still in the hosp, but it needed to be done. I was getting the feeling she was in our "club", so I mentioned that by the tie I have a baby, nothing will matter to me more than it's health. It was enough to let her know that I'm in the club, so she told me that they were IVF embryo adoption after other treatments had failed. I gotta say, I almost teared up for her & could genuinely tell her that I'm happy it worked.

Ok, I should prob get going. I am seriously not motivated to go to work today, so I need coffee & to kick my butt in gear. The furry people here have calmed down, still no where close to "friends", but quieter. (see, pets do count as children! "i don't care about fair, i just want quiet!"- bi.ll co.sb.y) Mine think it's way cool that they're allowed on the back deck here.

Airing of the grievances!

My little girl is one seriosly NOT HAPPY kitty right now! We finally got everything out of the apt & I brought them over to my parents' house. (t stayed to clean the carpets. good guy, comes in handy sometimes) So while Ping & Buster have been checking things out & considering making friends with Mikey, Skittles has been sitting in the office doorway growling & hissing at every human or feline that walks by. Including me. Not cool, little kitty! Not cool.

On the subject of freaked out cats, did you know they can howl like dogs do? Buster showed us that when we first got here. (he's calmed down since then, thank goodness; i really didn't want to hear it all night)

I think I'll give them a treat to calm everyone down. Then I need a shower & a glass of wine.

Movin in the rain...

Oh, yes! We were Mooovin' in the rain! (this should have random music note options!)

Yeah, cause it's not fun enough. So we ended up quite delayed & frustrated. Little sis was over all day helping, which was awesome, then even invited us back to their place for pizza. Coconut rum in coke is very good stuff. Tomorrow (ya know, when it won't be raining) we need to get the washer/dryer, the large mirror to my vanity dresser, the couch, the mattress, & the cats (before they gang up on me in a riot!). For now, I'm going to take my half-tipsy butt to bed.

On the good side, I do have a floor in the main bathroom at the house now. My parents totally rocked out that project!