Tap, Tap, is this thing still on?

Hi All,

So, we've been back from MT for 2wks now. It's...going. Better than it was, but not all the way to where I want to be. We're better about talking things out. But he still needs improvement in the "initiative to get off your butt & do something" department. Mostly around the house. His job has been going well.

The trip to MT was pretty fun. I miss the fam, but also got a decent reminder of why living around them made me nuts. My neices (7 & almost 5) are sooo mouthy! I wanted to slap them w/i an hr of being there. To anyone w/toddlers- it may be funny when they're 2-3 & don't really know what they're saying, but curb it! It's just plain aggrevating as they age. Oh & don't make "deals" with your kids. No, eating your dinner is not worth a $1, so sit down & eat your potatos! And (TRIGS) have I mentioned that she's due again in March? So freaking not fair. But I was good, I put on a happy face & got through it.

There are still a few blogs that I can't comment on as me. The message keeps telling me that I don't have permission (as my gmail account). If anyone has found a way around that problem, could you let me know?

I also don't think I told you the official info from my post-lap dr visit. This is the fun part. My uterus is enlarged, so he believes that I have fibroids growing w/i the wall (is that a muscle or tissue?) of it. Getting them out would be very invasive, so we will just have to deal with them being there, unless they surface. He did give me a new thought/perspective on the pcos thing though. Basically, pcos is a symptom of IR, not the other way around. So, if I can do more to control the IR better, the pcos symptoms should lessen. Hmmm. He also said that where we should go from here is to test on CD21, then figure out meds. He'd like to see me back on Met (ugh). Has anyone heard of/tried this for pcos? I got a newsletter stating that it may be more useful than met w/o the s/e.

I should get going to do something more useful than being online. It's a rainy day & I find them difficult to function in. I will leave you with a pic of my new piercing. It's technical name is a Tragus. It hurt like you wouldn't believe, but I've wanted one there since I was 16, so it was about time! See the cool green gem? :) (btw, ever try taking a pic of your own ear? not as easy as you'd think!)

Sucker Punched

Ok, I've never really been punched, but I imagine that this is about what it would feel like. Overall, I'm healing quite well, with just the occasional twinge when I overdo it. I even mostly stopped taking the pain meds (i'm only taking one at bedtime). I can't figure out why they give people so dang many. Really, this is how people get hooked on this crap. It's a fair bet to say that there are idiots out there who will take the pain meds more religiously than antibiotics. Admittedly, I didn't want to feel anything of having been cut open for about 2 days, but the s/e of the meds hit me hard; by Fri, I was stuck in nightmares that I couldn't wake up out of. I decided to toughen up & live with a little pain.

Enough about that. The emotional part of this hit me today. Or maybe it's pms. Either way, I was driving along & a great song comes on. Before I know it, I've got tears. ~"stop an.d st.are, yo.u thi.nk you'r.e mo.ving, but you'v.e go.ne nowh.ere. Ye.ah I kn.ow that ev.er.yo.ne ge.ts sca.red, but I've be.co.me wh.at I can't be."~ Ugh. It's official. I've had a surgery for the sole purpose of "I can't reproduce & there's gotta be something wrong with me". Yes, this probably sounds idiodic with being separated & all. "Steph, don't you mean you can't reproduce because you haven't had sex since April?" Well, yeah, clearly. But other than that? To have a surgery to clear out stuff that shouldn't be there in the first place is kinda hard to swallow. How can this be me? My whole life, the plan included getting married & having kids. Not just included, that was the plan. The only plan. No real backup plan there. Why does there have to be a plan to GET TO the plan now? This sucks. How are there so many other women out there who make it look so blasted easy? (this rant is NOT against any of my currently pg IF friends, i still love you & am very happy that you got there)

 Have I mentioned the pg 19yr old at work? She makes me sick. She's about 5 months along & since she decided to face up to her parents & tell them about this one (yes, "this one", 2nd pg of the yr, she took the other route for the first one), we're all supposed to be happy for her & supportive & interested in details. Well, I"M NOT!!! I want to tell her parents about the first one. She says that they already know this one's not her bf's baby, so I'd like to ask everyone else at work how they're putting on a happy face for princess sleeparound. And I REALLY want to shake her & ask where she gets off thinking of a pg, a baby, a human life, as so easy to come by that she can just pick & choose which ones are inconvenient & which ones are a reason for joy-  which ones die & which ones get to be raised. Then I want her to let me know why, by all rights of reason, she thinks that SHE should be responsible for the upbringing of this innocent child. It's just not right! And it's one of the things that makes me think others' crazy. That everyone views this as "normal". While there are married, adult women with stable home lives & much to offer a child. Women who would view the baby as precious from the moment they found out about it. If only they could find out about it. If they could give it a stable first environment. Those of us who would move heaven & earth to be able to gestate, to bring about life, to have a life entrusted into our care.

Like I said, I've never been literally sucker punched. But I have a feeling this is a lot what it would feel like. Please forgive my little pitty party. Or join in to let me know I'm not the only one! I love ya all, thanks for staying with me. =)

Post Lap

Hi! Thanks for all the nice comments. It all went pretty well. The dr did not find any endo, but he did find (and remove) 2 small fibroids. He also drained several of the cysts. So, I'm relieved that it's not endo, but also glad that there was something there. They also shot dye through my tubes & found them to be perfectly clear. :)

So, things that no one tells you about it- the stuff they put in your iv is freakin cold! And it makes your whole body feel like lead. You will dribble on yourself trying to take a drink in the recovery room. I vaguely remember telling the nurse that I'm usually pretty good w/straws. She giggled & said it happens to everyone. On that note, recovery nurses probaby hear a LOT of secrets & stories. Anesthetic works better than truth serum! (not that i have a point of reference on that.) It also messes with your memory. I did a couple pages in a coloring book at mom's, but I don't really remember doing it. The colors are pretty good though, normal stuff.

Yesterday, my shoulders hurt worse than anything. Oh & they catherize during surgery, so it BURNS to go potty the first few times. Today, the incisions hurt a little, but I'm keeping up on the pain meds & anti-nausea meds. Oh & when I cough (dang tube down my throat!), it's best to hold my side. I did think it was very cool of them to wait until I was fully out before doing the cath & tube, & they were both out by the time I woke up. I have not been hungry. Food sounds good, but I don't actually feel like eating. Ok, I'm beginning to feel like this is a drug-induced ramble. So, I'll sign off for today. Here's a pic of the pretty flowers my in-laws sent me-

(Martini, who's been ignoring me since I got back, can't understand why I won't let him eat them!)

Lap tomorrow

Well, Today if anyone notices the time stamp. But I'm still up so it's still Tues to me!

I'm not really nervous. Or, well, anything. Exept thirsty. I didn't do my usual bedside water just so I wouldn't be tempted.

I'm kinda hopeful that they'll find something. I think my biggest fear is that they won't find anything. Even if it's not endo, there's gotta be SOMETHING, right? Right?!?! I would be shocked if they didn't notice whatever is on my left ovary. On the inside, toward the bottom. It's been hurting in varying degrees for a few months now. The randoms stabbing pains from it have gotten more frequent & I think it's what causes the spotting during the month.

So anyway. I also don't want to be out too long. I bought a couple all-cotton short sundresses for recovery. Soft, comfy, cute, not tight or binding, & I won't feel like I've spent the day in jammies. (actually braved w.al.mar.t for these!) I'm sure I'll be spending some time on line & catching up some stuff...... As long as I don't need too much of the pain meds. If I do, I'll be out cold snoring & drooling.

If anyone would like to see a really funny depiction of what I do, go to Y.ou T.ub.e & look uo Rai.de.r M.o.e's. I don't want to post a link that could lead anyone back to my blog, but it's worth it. Totally funny!

Alright. A.mb.ian has kicked in, so I'll stop before I get loopy. I'll definitely be catching up with all y'all in a day or two. Love ya!

Hi

 Whoops, it seems to have been a while. Sorry. Overall things are going pretty well. Except that today I'm home sick from work. I won't go into gory details, but I hae a cyst that is messing with my whole body. I had just been in pain most of the wk, but today the bathroom has been my "bff". Has anyone ever tried the ginger chews from T.J's? Good stuff, I think I've eaten almost a whole bag today.

 I'm happy to report that T took me seriously & sched a Dr. appt w/i 2wks of being there. He saw a sleep specialist who has put him on a rather aggressive weight loss program. He still needs to do the actual sleep study too. He also started seeing a therapist & is taking meds. The therapist is also working with him on communication skills & being more assertive upfront. Most important, he has started taking his spiritual life seriously. Our religion has biblical guidelines for the members & even in how husbands & wives should treat each other. He's been getting help from the elders & making better use of prayer to put those principles in action.

 After the first couple wks of me being really angry, we started talking on a nearly daily basis & it's daily now. We've talked & actually listened to each other's points. We've also been trying to do some spiritual reading/discussion together at least once a week. My lap is in 6wks, so we're planning on me going out there in Sept. I'll visit for a wk to make sure he's really done the things he's said. Then he'll prob either be flying home with me or shortly there after. He's already started putting feelers out for a job. So far, even from the indications I've gotten form his family, he has not tried to put any of this back around on me. He has accepted the blame for what he did & is working to fix the damage. I gotta say, I didn't know what to expect when I sent him away, but I'm really happy it's gone this way.

 My parents were rather worried about me going back over to the house the way it is. I agreed that it would be easier to stay here. :)  I'm happy to say that I'm planning on painting this w/e & we should start laying flooring Mon! Woohoo!  (Misty- dad's on board w/your carpet. call/text me!)

 Ok, so that's my totally self-centered little post. I'm amazed to see I didn't lose all my readers, you ladies are awesome. What's new with you? Fill me in on what I missed! =)

Checking in

Hello all. I really have so much in my head right now & none of it is coming out in any way that makes sense, so apologies in advance.

After reading  about the crap that Nancy is getting on her blog, I went back through & saved a few of my posts as "drafts". I really wish that Blo.gg.er had a way to password protect just certain posts, but I guess that works. I know it's just paranoid thinking, I don't get nearly as many readers as she does. But still, I'm feeling kinda down lately, & people can be really hateful.

Travis made it out to MT safely. Thankfully, it sounds like his family wants to help him improve instead of turning this all around to me being evil. It's so difficult to say how I feel about him being gone. Ummm, relieved? in some ways. Very sad that it came to this. Hopeful that it'll be a good thing in the long term. Pretty much everyone where I work knows he's gone, but not details on why. My boss pulled me aside on Thurs & I expected it to be a "keep it together at work" speech. Instead, he said that we're like a big family at T.J. & we look out for each other, so to let him know if I need anything. It was really sweet. I've gotten that offer a lot actually, but I really just don't know what, if anything, I need. I've actually been kinda numb & that's ok for now.

Oh & "thank you" FB for starting to remind me that this Thurs is our anniversary. Yeah, I really needed that! Actually, mom told me the other day that (assuming he gets his crap together & we can reconcile) when he gets back, she & dad are going to throw us a 10yr anniversary party. That's pretty cool. I'm not telling him that though, because I really want him to focus on improvement & not any certain date. He has sent me some pretty nice texts, and it seems like he's starting to see the big picture, but people don't change overnight & I'm still insistant on him seeing a therapist.

Well, that's about all that will come out even semi-sensibly. I've stayed at my parents' through the w/e, but I have Mon & Tues off, so will be getting back over to the house. I miss my kitties! The kitties here are super anti-social, mine are snugglers. I'll try to update again soon. Much love to all of you!

PS- If anyone is wondering why I didn't STAY private, well, ummm, it turns out that I'm a comment whore. So, "private" kinda sucks.

Very odd dream

So, a couple nights ago, I dreamt that I looked at the saphire in my wedding ring & noticed a crack. As I tried to look closer at it, the crack spread. I was trying to keep it from totally breaking, but the stone kept cracking until it turned to dust & fell out of the setting. That is so weird. My mind does not usually go to symbolizm in my dreams. I'll flat out fight with people, or have any number of other dream experiences, but very rarely anything like that.

Anyway. His flight is next Wed. We are going to meet up tomorrow night to discuss a few details. I think that's a good thing.

Oh & here's one I totaly hadn't prepared for- Someone asked me last night where T was. It's not someone who I'm real close to, but I also know that it'll get around that he's gone, so what's the point in not saying it? I simply said that we're separated & that he'd be going to MT for an undecided amount of time. This person's first reaction was "Why? What happened? What's going on?" I was a little taken aback by that & gave a blank stare for a moment before saying that we needed a little space & time. You'd think that any normal person would then assume it's none of their business, say they're sorry (or hope it works out, whatever), then shut their yap. Yeah, or not. I got this idiotic "advice" about taking this time to improve myself in order to improve the marriage. And to focus on the good  & the reasons why we fell in love to begin with. I smiled politely, but it was code for "shut the hell up & mind your own business". I have a sinking suspicion that the person last night may just be the first of such crap.

Anyway, if you haven't already, please go to Angie's blog & give her some love. It just isn't fair.

Heartbroken

Ok, ready to talk. On Monday, I confirmed a suspicion that I've had for a couple weeks. (no, he's not cheating on me [that i know of], that would actually make this easier). I think I've mentioned that money has been tight. I watch the budget like a hawk, I don't think it'll be like this forever, but you gotta do what you gotta do. So, he told me a few weeks back that he had gotten a "tip" from a customer, $50. The next day, he told me he'd gotten another one, $80. At the time, I didn't think much of it. But I was pretty mad when he was asking me for money a couple days later. He couldn't explain where $130 had gone, except for $20 gas that I knew he'd put in the car. Well, I got to thinking more about it....Who tips that much on a carpet job? I wondered if he had just pocketed a cash job, but who wants to think of their husband as a thief? I did ask him about it & he said it was not the main bill from the job.

Last week, the "where did the money go" discussion came up again. I was doing the math on what his check was, what mine was, which bills had been paid, etc. I kept coming up $70 short. I refused to believe that he just "didn't know" where it had gone. I kept pushing. He finally snapped at me that he'd given it as a payment to someone he'd borrowed money from, (his boss) but he didn't want to tell me because I'd be mad that it wasn't spent on whatever I had planned out in my head. Ooo-Kaaay. No I wouldn't. I was mad that he would sit there for so long while I was trying to figure it out.

Over the w/e, he ticked me off just by not doing anything. I went to work both days, then went home & worked on the house. Even if it was something small, I did something. Sunday night, I ended up painting the fireplace & mantle (it looks sooo cute!) & he sat & watched tv. I was mad. He asked what I expected him to do, I mentioned that the ceiling STILL needed to be painted. He continued to sit & watch tv.

So, by Monday, I decided to call his boss & find out where we stood. I asked how much, expecting the answer to be $500- $600. Bill asked why I was asking. I told him that I'm trying to get a grip on where we stand with everything so I can do my budget. Imagine my shock when he said "All together, it's about $1300". I asked if that was before or after any payments Travis made. He said "what payments? I haven't gotten a cent from him". Really? Didn't he make a $70 cash payment last week? No. Not at all. Bill also confirmed my suspicion about the "tips". Turns out Travis hadn't so much borrowed the money, but had just taken it. He was taking the money from cash jobs, pocketing it, & still billing a comission from them. Bill had figured that I didn't know & he flat out told me that he hadn't been pushing it because he didn't want to be the one who broke my heart. (it's not him, i wouldn't even begin to blame him)

I ended up calling my MIL & laid it all on the line. I told her that I had enough money to stick him on Greyhound, or they could figure out transportation for him. She said she'd discuss it w/ FIL & get back to me. That was Mon. I haven't heard from her since. The first thing she did was call Travis. Whatever. His flight leaves next Wed, 6:30 am. I guess his parents are going to give him work when he gets there so he can pay Bill back. (i think it's for my sake, but bill isn't pressing charges) His ticket is one-way. He asked me how long I want him gone & I said I'm not sure. Until I feel like it would be a benefit to have him in my life. So, there we have it. I married a liar & a thief. But I don't have to put up with this for the rest of my life.

I've talked to the elders here & they are going to keep tabs on me (they're worried about my stress/anx level). They're going to inform the elders there of what's going on. And I'm going to write a letter to a trusted friend out there. Travis needs to be dealt with & I'll be damned if I let him & his family quietly sweep this under the rug. (there's always been someone around to clean up his mess) I'm at my parents' now & will be back in the house next wk when he's gone. I can hardly stand to look at him right now & don't want to be under the same roof, or sharing a bed. Again, thank you if you've read this far.

Going Private

Things have come to a head & I'm done. I'll be "single" by the end of the week. I'm going private to protect myself. Please leave an e-mail addy if you'd like to still read. (i think i have most of yours anyway, but didn't want to assume)  I turned on comment moderation, so your e-mail will not be published. I'm going to be ok, but gonna need some support to get through this. If you choose to stop reading though, I understand. I'll post details when I'm able. Love Ya!

Where's Sherry?

She's ok, no falling off the planet or anything crazy. She needed a break. I won't go too much into her personal details, but you've probably noticed that she's been rather down lately. Right now, she's doing what's best for her to get back on track mentally & emotionally. It's no secret to any of us who've been through it that IF takes a HUGE toll on us in many ways. She's told me that she's still on FB, but won't be reading any blogs for a while. It's not anything that any of us did & she still wishes the best for all of us. I gave her the option of e-mailing me something to post to my blog for everyone & she may do that in the future.

In other news, I called in sick to work today. I have been sick to my stomach & dizzy all day. (TMI warning!) AF has also brought "intestinal discomfort" & I'm soaking through super tampons every 2hrs. Fun times. I HATE calling in! I feel like a bum. So, between pain & hormone hell, I've mulled over the idea of sitting & crying all day. Not productive, so it's "opt #2" right now. The woman from surg scheduling called me back. We'll be waiting until Aug. to do the Lap, just to make sure ins doesn't reject it as "pre-x". What's 3 more months of pain, right?

Ok, I'm gonna make some tea & do some crochet now. I hope you're all having a good day!

Bravery takes many forms

When I first got online, I was just going to tell you about my dr appt. But then I got to reading up on blogs & decided to take a new approach.

First, I was reading blogs that talked about the new, really stupid P.ET.A campaign. It's very brave of the women who've stood up to them by writing letters. It's also brave for those of us who've taken lesser steps, but still signed the petition, or posted it on FB. We all go through so much emotionally for this that to still stand up to a big, powerful entity is just awesome.

Then I looked over blogs of people who've been through incredible losses & difficulties, yet still find a way to keep going every day. Their strength & endurance is amazing.

It actually takes a measure of bravery to blog at all. We put our good & bad out there. Sometimes even very private thoughts & feelings. It opens us up to receive love & support from others, but sometimes also yields harsh criticism from total strangers.

As far as my original blog topic, I was brave enough to see a new dr yesterday. I bravely requested what I want & when she asked why I thought it would be beneficial, I clearly told her my reasons. She listened & agreed that it would prob be beneficial. She said during the exam that she didn't feel anything, but that doesn't mean it's not there. She said that some women can have just a spot & be in horrible pain, yet others can be full of it & not really feel anything. Now I'm waiting on a call that'll tell me what ins will cover & sched opts. :) I'm excited, but nervous. Other than wisdom teeth, my last "real" surgery was 2nd grade! It'll be worth it if it can bring some pain relief though.

Well, I'm at my parents' house doing some baking. I'm gonna go make frosting now. (Yum!) Much love to ALL you brave ladies! :)

First night at the house

Did NOT get us much sleep! Thank you kitties! Ping & Martini walked around "sounding off" pretty much all night. (i think Tini spent the better part of an hour talking to the tub at one point) Skittles spent the whole night growling at Tini because she just doesn't like him. (never has) And Buster was on the bed/off the bed, tear around the house, answer Ping, hiss at Tini, pounce on Skittles (in his defense, that one does yield a pretty cool reaction). So, mom gave ME an Am.bi.an & I probably would've slept through most of it, but T spent the night intermittantly snoring & yelling at the cats to knock it off. I'm amazed by how quiet the NEIGHBORHOOD is though! Oh & my parents didn't do much better. Mikey & Martini are "buddies", so Mikey spent most of the night looking for him. To any who have cats- Don't mess with their routine!

The house is not done yet, but I think this will be better. It's easier to get up there & spend a few hrs working on it before work, than to get up & my parents', try to get motivated to get over there, work for a bit, have to come back to shower & dress for work...

We don't have internet over there yet. I'll be over at mom & dad's for dinner fairly frequently (no kitchen yet), so I'll be able to get on, but maybe not real regularly. (for some reason, i don't like to just "disappear". maybe cause it worries me when other bloggers do that) I'll make it a point to load pics on the computer so I can show y'all the house soon. :)

Anon Commenters

But before I get into that- I forgot to give a big THANK YOU! to all you ladies for your support on my post the other day. Goodness, I had no idea when I got married or even when we started TTC that life woud ever lead us to this point. The ONE good thing from IF is that I've gotten to meet you ladies & I really do appreciate the bond we share. I've really never had this many female friends who I could be so open & honest with. (((HUGS)))

Ok, back to the original subject- I've posted anonomously to blogs before. Most of the time, it was before I had a blog or sometimes if I don't feel like signing in. I always leave my name at the bottom though. There has been ONE TIME that I posted anon (before i was a blogger) to someone that I thought was being harsh to a friend. My post was not published & I was pretty much crucified. I stand by what I said, but I learned not to do that. If I disagree with someone, I either keep it to myself, or try to find a way to word it nicely. But I always leave a name. Here's my reasoning on that. We're a group & kinda a close one at that. We've been with each other through quite a bit & know where we're coming from. I've looked at my own blog posts & when isolated from the rest of the story, any one of them could be taken wrong. (this is also why I don't comment on a blog without reading back a few posts) So, even if you've lurked & think you know the blogger, they have no clue who you are. I think there's just something about a no name, no face person coming in & telling you what to do that any normal person woud reject. (kinda how no one wants advice from a random stranger in person) What do you think? Do you take any certain "policy" when you're on a new blog?

Set an appointment...

For an "annual". Uuber-exciting right? Only, I'm going to see a diff dr in the practice & I'm happy about that. The last time that I saw the other dr was 3 days before I went into the hosp. I was doubled over in pain from AF & worried that I might've had a clot. I was taking the maximum dose of ibuprophen & may as well have been popping tic-tacs. He was pretty much dismissive of the pain. He kinda scoffed at the idea of giving me a note to take to work, while giving me the "it's a period, get over it" look. When I asked if there was anything else I could take, he looked at me like I was a druggie & reluctantly wrote a script for darvocet. (that i never filled because i was pissed about being treated that way). So, time to go back to my rule of "no uterus, no opinion". The dr I'm going to see is a woman & an expert on PCOS. Yaaaaay! I'm going to ask her about doing a lap. To any of you who've had one- Was it difficult to schedule? Meaning, did you have to request it, or was it their idea? If it was your idea, did your dr argue it? Will I have to plan for more than a day off work for it?

TTC Limbo

With everything that has been going on with Travis & me, TTC is being put on hold for now. We are going to work it out. We're going to refind happiness in being a couple. I've realized that somewhere along the lines, I got lost. How do I explain this? I'm a doer. If I want something, I rely on me & I find a way to get it done. I've been accused of being an over-acheiver for a good part of my life. I never saw it that way, I simply narrowed down what I wanted & did it. The obvious exception being that I had no control over other peoples' actions. IF really made me start doubting myself. Month after month of "no" & "didn't", turned my thinking to "won't" & "can't". As my depression got worse, the negative thinking really started to take over. Until I broke.

When I came out of the hospital, I was a little dazed for a couple months. Like coming out of a fog, or waking up. There were things I saw that needed to change. I got a new job & excelled at it. I started thinking of possibilities, of happy things for the future. I've even lost weight. There were numerous improvement potentials.

Then I evaluated my marriage. It needed to be done, but maybe not as bluntly as I did. I just couldn't believe that I'd let things get to where they were. There was no way that the person I remembered being would be happy like that. Which is why I was ready to end it. But, there was something that I loved about him. Certainly, he must love me because I can't imagine anyone wanting to hang around with me when I was that low. So, I realized that while I'm trying to refind me, I also need to be willing to refind (or redefine) US.

We are looking for a few activities that we can do together. Things that can bring us closer together. He has also gotten better about not lying to me. And we're making steps to fix the other things. (i'm even trying to respect his requests to not share everything with my parents) The ins cards FINALLY came, so one of us needs to call & ask about coverage on a few things.

Right now, that leaves TTC on a back burner. For at least a few months. We still aren't preventing, but also not trying. (i did decide that this was a really stupid time to "with hold", it just leaves us both vulnerable to doing something stupid. sorry, probably tmi there.) So, my biggest question on ttc limbo is- Can I still hang out with you? I've really grown to think of you all as my friends, my sisters. My posts may not be as frequent & may not be TTC related for a while, but I'm hoping that we have more of a bond than IF by now. One of the procedures I'll be checking on is getting a Lap done. (the pain has gotten worse, periods are getting longer & heavier, & there's been more mid-c spotting) I can't imagine going through that w/o y'all to get me through it. And I'd still like to be able to rejoice with you on your various forms of good news.

This is awesome!

There isn't really much going on with me lately. Sorry, I'm kinda in a funk. Martini had to go to the vet last week, that wasn't much fun. Poor little guy was in a urinary tract flare up. The vet thinks he has FLUTD- Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disorder. In plain English, that means he'll be prone to flare ups & UTIs. Fun, huh? Poor kitty, she gave him a shot of some anti-inflamatory & a round of cla.va.mox, he's a really good boy when it comes to meds. We'll have to change his food, it would be nice if he liked it. If any of you are considering a career change, vet would be a good option. They don't take payments anymore, so that'll be $145 upfront.

My sinus infection cleared up just in time for allergies to start up full blast. Isn't it odd how you never really think about breathing until it's difficult?

Anyway, I saw a post from a blog friend that led me to looking at other videos on U Tube. All her stuff was funny, but since I'm not a mom yet, I could actually relate to this one. I don't think my blog friends are guilty of this, but it annoyed the crap outta me on the TTC boards. I hope you enjoy!

A(choo), B, C(ough)'s of me!

First off, still sick. We went to the dr yest & it turns out it's sinus infections all around. Yaay, fun! Now T is on a Z-pack & I'm on am.oxi.cill.ian. I'm allergic to a drug that's in the same fam as the Z, so she didn't put me on it. Judging from T's reaction to it, I'm glad she didn't. It's kinda strange to see a little pill kick the butt of a big guy like T. I got a "back to school" note from her (really, that's what it says, heehee!), so I'll be working tonight. Is it odd to clip a roll of tp to my belt?

I mentioned a little about not doing well IF wise. It's not just all the babies being born lately, it's also (partially) who's having them. Not people who really deserve them, why is being married such a fertility killer? I've threatened to divorce T, but still live together. Or meet him at a bar & pretend it's a one night stand. Anyway, then there are stories like Kelly's that just rip me up. And I just read one yest about a law that they're trying to pass in Utah because some 17yr old paid a guy to beat her up in an attempt to loose her 3'rd tri baby. It's all just so wrong & so unfair. It can be so hard to come to terms with no matter what your religious beliefs are.

Anyhoo, I'm going to steal Jenn's ABC's. It looked cool & I don't want this post to be a total downer.
A. Age: 30 & holding
B. Bed size: Queen
C. Chore you dislike: Washing floors
D. Dogs: None.
E. Essential start to your day: Coffee
F. Favorite color: Blue
G. Gold or silver: Silver
H. Height: 5'8.5
I. Instruments you play(ed): Piano
J. Job title: Crew Member
K. Kids: None. 4cats, if they count.
L. Live: South Carolina
M. Mom’s name: Carla
N. Nicknames: Mostly just Steph
O. Overnight hospital stays: 1, appendix
P. Pet peeves: bad parenting, smokers, & obvious grammatical errors
Q. Quote from a movie: "So we have apples & oranges, but is all fruit."
R. Righty or lefty: Righty.
S. Siblings: 2- Older sister, younger sister
T. Time you wake up: Uhhh, pass.
U. Underwear: Cotton
V. Vegetables you don’t like: Lima Beans
W.What makes you run late: The lack of a time-altering device.
X. X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, spine, nothing unusual
Y. Yummy food you make: Thia peanut chicken
Z. Zoo animal favorites: Lions, tigers, polar bears, dolphins, ok, I like the whole zoo.

So, that's me a-z, I'd love to see yours! =)

Ny.qu.il induced coma

It's a good thing. Ok, not really. I'd rather have been able to enjoy my w/e instead of feeling like swamp thing. It really bugs me when people think they have to go out while sick. I'm not sure if it was someone I work with, or someone who came in to shop, but now I've got it. I really don't mean to sound this whiney about it, but it's so hard to control my blood sugar when I'm sick. So, that's my w/e.

Not much else going on really. Still working on getting the house done. It's pretty close to having a working bathroom. I think it'll go pretty quickly after that.

Travis & I are still working on the other stuff too. It would be nice if the ins cards would show up.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty tough on me IF wise. There have been a lot of births & I thought I was doing well but I'm taking it pretty hard. I ended up taking a few people off my FB list because I just couldn't handle their posts all the time. (irl friends, none of you) Anyway I still can't really think clearly. So, I think I'll post sometime when I can. Just letting y'all know I'm still around. =)

disconnected randoms...

Bullet points will be the easiest on this post. Just a bunch of stuff. = )

• I'm officially in a size smaller jeans! I'm in an 18 now, so out of numbers that start with 2. Yaaay! I've lost over 20lbs since working at TJ's. I'm lovin that!  

• The pg bi*c* at work is out on bedrest until she delivers. I don't wish anything bad on her, but it'll be nice to not have to see her. She is seriously so mean! It's really not fair that she gets a baby.

• I actually like playing darts. I'm not very good at it, but it's fun anyway.

• The night started out with going to a religious service. The first thing they did was announce a birth. I reacted horribly. I went to the ladies' room & was sobbing in a stall. So my sis & I ended up going to her fav Irish Pub & had drinks (and we got takeout from the In.di.an rest across the street, the pub doesn't serve food, so they're cool with you bringing it in). I actually had 3-4 drinks & a shot of some sort of mint schnapps that was pretty awesome. I don't usually drink that much so was surprised that I didn't even get buzzed. (not that i was trying to)

• We are loosing people left & right at work! Too many illnesses & injuries. Bronchitis went around (missed me [knock on wood]). Back injuries are adding up (again, missed me [kow]). Then there's the time off for births. The good part is that I'm getting extra hrs from it. :) I think I had pretty close to a full 40 last wk.

• My female cat, Skittles, turned 10 today. Not that we celebrated or anything, but wow. I have a 10yr old that I can't count as a tax deduction.

• I decided not to get the tatoo. A few of you hit on my pros/cons. I feel that it would be a part of my body that I could take control over. It's not a design that I would regret & it may help get some of the emotional pain out. However, I would always be concerned about offending someone if they saw it. And, really, if I feel like I couldn't show it to anyone, what's the point? If I do it in another form & display it somewhere prominantly in my home, it's viewable. (even by me, i can't see my back) Julie had a good point too, in our religion we don't view our bodies as "temples", but our lives are still a gift from God. I've already made the decision to live my life for God. So, I feel that it would be disrespectful to do that. (for me, not talking about anyone else w/tats!) I do strongly believe that there will be a time when God will wipe out every hurt that we've ever experienced, so I will trust that He can wipe that pain off my heart too.

• Travis talked me into going to the Na.sc.ar A.llS.tar race in May. It should be fairly fun, Chris & misty are coming up for it. = D 

Ok, I think that's about it for now. I hope you all are doing well. I know there's been some sadness going around, so (((HUGS))) going out to whoever may need them!

They want me to be happy!

Further reason to LOVE my job! I got my Zo.lo.ft filled today, NO co-pay!!! It's one that they cover 100%! :)

That was actually the second best thing I heard all day, to know what the best-BEST thing was, check out E's post! Good things CAN happen to those of us in IF-land. And I'm hoping that Sherry will keep up the trend on Thurs!

I've been thinking more about the tattoo thing. Both sides of the matter. I'll post more about it soon. (sorry, y'all are a great sounding board!)

Cold feet...(poss trigs?)

Have I mentioned on here at all that I want to get a tattoo? Nothing big, I would like 2 small fireflies somewhere on my shoulder. I know I've mentioned that I refer to my m/c's as fireflies, so I wanted to put them there. This doesn't necessarily make sense, but if one gets pg & has a baby, they go through the pain of child birth, then have a baby to show for it. If one gets pg but m/c, they go through a hell of a lot of emotional pain, but no one else really sees it. I would like to put the emotional pain into something physical & permanent.

The "design" is relatively simply, I don't want them any bigger than 3/4" & I would like one purple & one pearl (i never had edd, so one i know i conceived in feb & the other i know i lost in june). I was even trying to thing of a way to incorporate baby feet into the wings.

So, why the cold feet? I've talked about doing it for a while, but the reality of doing it has recently come up. There's a girl I work with who was a licenced tattoo artist in CA & owns a tattoo needle (gun?). She would be really happy to help me with it. The issue is that she is moving to NC in a couple wks. So I think I'd have to decide pretty soon if I for real want to do this. (or, it's really not too far. i could hang onto her # & go up there sometime for it) Either way, here's the dilemma- I really want it. I've made peace with that, I think my reasons are sound & I'd have it done in a spot that I could cover. However... I worry about offending someone if it's ever found out. I was sitting at the meeting yesterday & thought about that. Tattoos are kinda a no-no in our religion. I'm not saying that no one has them, there are those who got them before they were JW's, or even some who were raised in the religion & got them during a rebellious stage. I'm neither of those categories. Sooo, IDK. What do you think? On a side note, I talked to DH & mom (at different times), hoping they could give me a decent reason to not, but they have both said the same thing about offending someone, but that it is my body & ultimately my choice. Maybe I should just hang onto her number for a bit so that (no matter what) I don't feel "rushed" into it.

Reality is mean

Wow. It's one thing to work along side someone, see their belly expand, & know that they are going to have a boy. It's totally another thing to see them come in with a stroller & realize that this 21, unmarried kid is really responsible for another human. I did good though, I didn't break into tears at work. Ouch though. :(

How am I?

Today, I'm at home from work, sick. I was trying to go in. I was dressed, in the car, partway there. I kept throwing up in my mouth. I was totally nauseous, crampy, a little dizzy, & my back feels like someone is sticking daggers in it, so I called in & told Reggie I couldn't do it today. I HATE having to do that! AF has been trying to start for a couple days now, but so far has only done heavy spotting at best. I'm getting kinda ticky with this since my body goes so haywire that I get sick. No bueno! I am fully planning on getting a Lap to check for endo. There's no way this can be normal. (also, i've noticed a small pea sized bump on my cervix. i'm only able to feel it around af when my cervix is soft & low. i first noticed it last month, but it's still there as of today. should probably get that checked).

But I don't think that's what Allison was asking. ;) As far as T & I. Ummm, we're trying. I don't feel like I can trust him & he feels like I'm critical when he doesn't meet my expectations. We're trying to work on ways that we can communicate better. ( i don't recall which show, possibly futurama, a woman says "i'm not sure this will work; you're a man, i'm a woman, we're just too different!') The elders have been helpful so far. I can't explain it, but I think there's something about me telling them how I'm feeling that's finally making T listen & hear it. We're still planning on getting him in to talk to a dr too, we're waiting on ins cards. So far, we got the dental ones, but I don't think a teeth cleaning is the solution to marital problems. (maybe...in extreme cases...)

Also, as if there wasn't enough stress, there's a guy at work who;s getting bolder about hitting on me. I'm ready to punch him. He's 24, for starters. I'm married, he has a gf, I've turned down all his advances & given him NO reason to think that I'm at all interested. Or that there're even any problems in my marriage. This week he told me that he "could be that guy". I said no, he told me not to say no unless I was 100% sure, so I told him I'd say it twice, I was so sure. The next time he starts, I'm going to tell him point-blank that it's not appropriate. If it continues after that, I'll take it to mgmt. I so totally don't need that crap right now!

So, that's me in a nut shell. Hmm, sounds like I'm bitchy & in pain! And tired, I feel like I could fall asleep standing up.

Why I don't watch the news (TRIGS)

Really, big time TRIGS!!!! But this has me so ticked off, so I'm just getting my thoughts out about it.


There was a woman who gave birth to a baby in the bathroom of a local arena, then walked off & left the baby in the toilet. The good news is that the cleaning crew saved his life about an hour later & he is in NICU, but improving. http://www.bostonherald.com/news/national/south/view.bg?articleid=1315490

The mother did end up coming forward & is now in jail (total of a $30K bail bond will prob keep her there). She is claiming that she didn't know she was pg & that she has amnesia & doesn't remember anything after going to the bathroom. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41492090

I'm calling BS on it! I don't think she should have any rights ever again to that baby & her other child should be taken away as well! I don't think it's possible to give birth to a nearly 6lb baby & NOT know it! Even if it was unplanned & not something she wanted, there are Safe Haven laws. She had the wherewithall to get HERSELF to a hosp, but not to take a newborn out of the toilet? BS, BS, BS!!!! Yet, there are people who will try to spout out that IF is "population control"?!?!? GRRRR!

Anyway, have to get to work. I'd rather not today because AF started, but to work I must go.

Can this marriage be saved?

Probably. Not that it'll be easy, but somehow I still think it's worth it. He has agreed to marriage counselling, I need to find out what my ins covers & get the appt set up. He is also going to see a personal psychiatrist to see if he needs to be on some sort of medication (he was on a/d for a while yrs ago, but then decided he was better & stopped taking them). I am taking over all the finances & he is aware that I will not be giving him acct info. It'll be a hassle when it comes to the taxes, because I've never really done them, but I'll get involved in that too.

He is back with me now. My sis' place was really not a good solution. It's more of a room mate status right now. (he has taken me seriously on the hygiene thing though, showering w/o being told to) It is a little tense right now, still being at my parents' house. I'm hoping that the house will be liveable soon.

We met with an elder in our cong last night, it was helpful. I don't think T fully realized just how desperate I was beginning to feel in all of this. We're meeting again on Friday, they'd like to help however they can.

That's pretty much it right now. I think it's best to learn from mistakes & grow from it rather than call it quits. I'm hoping that w/i a few months I'll be happier for making it to 10yrs, rather than feeling like I've wasted 10yrs of my life. Thank you again for all the support & listening to me vent. I'm gonna go become a brunette now. (literally, i bought a pretty dark hair color!)

Update

Thank you to all of you for the support & kind words. Things did not really go how I planned yesterday, but I'm ok. After posting all that & thinking most of the afternoon about what my next step would be, my mood was considerably different by the time he got home. He noticed. I tried passing it off as "nothing", or "I don't want to get into this conversation right now", but he kept asking. I ended up calmly & clearly telling him that I want a separation. I briefly touched on a few of the reasons & ended it with telling him that I'm tired of feeling like I always have to be holding my breath for the bad news to come. That I don't really trust anything he says due to the frequency & number of lies he's told. That I can't believe that he can lie straight to my face, or watch me check on things while knowing darn well that he hadn't done it to begin with.

All in all, he took it pretty well. His first reaction was to point out that I'm not perfect either (i really never have claimed that i was), but I stood my ground. I stated that I was not telling him this to start a fight or open a discussion about it. It is what I've decided to do & he can work on the things if he doesn't want it to be permanent. I don't think he was expecting that. End result is that he is over at my sis' house (she was concerned about how I would feel about that, but it's really ok w/me). After he calmed down, he started texting me last night & we text-chatted for a bit. His first concern was whether there's someone else. (no, absolutely, positively not) He has agreed to go to marriage counseling. I can't tell you how many times I've asked for that & he has flat out refused. I think I have figured out what I want. (it's not really to be alone the rest of my life, or even to be with anyone else.) Please let me know if any of this sounds unreasonable-

1. I want full control of the finances. I do not want him to balance the checkbook, have the online password, or even have a debit card. I'm not a stingy or cruel person & will make sure he gets cash for what he needs.

2. I want to see him motivated on his own, without me asking, to go to the religious meetings. Prepared by at least bringing the correct books.

3. I don't want to have to be the one to tell him to shower! This should be a part of a daily grooming routine.

4. I want him to schedule & go in for a sleep study. This is not just a noise issue- it bothers me to know that he's not sleeping well & living a lower quality of life because of it. I think he would have more energy & feel better motivated to do things if he was getting proper rest.

5. I want to work out a system where he can communicate with me w/o lying. If a therapist can get to the bottom of why he feels he needs to, it would be worth it. I don't see myself as a tyrant who flies off the handle about every little thing. I have repeatedly told him that I can deal with bad news upfront better than dealing with bad news & the fact that he lied.

So, I'm still going to get my own acct & start taking control of things. But I'm not going to just cut off all contact, or do a legal separation for now. I will also promise to hear him out & try to understand how he sees things. I really didn't mean to make it sound like he's the devil & I'm a saint. He really does have good qualities. I just think right now I'm so fed up with the crap that it's clouding the others out. But I have rocked the boat, I have started change, & I will see it through to a better outcome. I need to get some sleep. I'll try to post again soon. Misty- I'm sorry I didn't call back. By the time we had dinner & got home, it was pretty late. I will call you tomorrow evening though.

Honesty

This post will not be easy for me to write, so please bear with me as I will need your support. I am typically of the thought of not airing my dirty laundry on this blog, so this may also come as a bit of a shock to many. Ok, no nice way to put it, enough stalling, I am going to get a separation from my husband. Ok, it's out. Now I feel I owe you some explanation behind this decision.

Have you ever seen one of those couples where one of them is fun to be around & a good worker & well put together & the other one is lazy & kinda looks like a slob all the time? And you look at them & think "how did she (or he, i've seen it both ways) end up with him (her)!?!?!" Ok, I've realized that I'm the first person. He is completely unmotivated to do anything & if I don't do something to change it, I will end up completely crazy.

I've always had the idea of marriage being a partnership, where both people do what they can to better the life of the other. My marriage is not. I'm getting tired of feeling like I have a boulder attatched to me, keeping me from pursuing anything good. For a long time, he had me believing that it was my perspective, so I tried very hard to focus on the good. I wouldn't say anything bad about him to others, so I very rarely discussed our problems with anyone either. I'm finding this to be a barrier to posting it here too, but I will give you a few examples. I would like to give a disclaimer that my decision is NOT about finances. Money comes & goes & I can deal with that. Rather, it's about the way he approaches problems & that he never grew up & learned to take responsibility.

To start with, I realized about 4-5 months before we got married that I was selling myself short. He is a good guy, he has his plus side, but our personalities, goals, & standards are as different as night & day. I thought maybe it was cold feet & thought I was in too far by that point to call it off. I'll admit a mistake- we slept together before we got married. In our religion, that's a big no-no & at the time, I thought it was better to just get married & see it through, rather than deal with the ramifications of that. (we have since then, admitted to that & been reproved). So, I punished myself worse than anyone else would've & I'm done doing it.

I didn't go into this dooming myself though, I was taught that any two people can make a marriage work if they follow bible principles & work at it. The financial problems started 2wks before the wedding when he was laid off. He did find another job, but it was only pt & not really working well. I approached his parents for help, all I wanted was for his dad to talk to him, maybe help him in budgeting & give some practical advice about finding a FT job, or working two jobs. His parents refused to get involved. Fine. His g-ma however (very sweet woman, i do love her) would slip him money here & there which did not motivate him to do anything more for himself, for us. (i have worked FT, or close to it, for our entire marriage)

So a lot of couples start off in debt. We ended up on debt counselling, he got a better job, & it was tight, but things started to work out financially. That was when I started taking a look into what some of the debt was. And found out things he was lying to me about. (at the time, it was porn ppv's) I HATE being lied to. Almost as much as I hate porn (the standards differences here) . I was justifiably rather hurt, because at the times that he was watching the most, he was denying me.

That was just the start of what he'd lie to me about. Over the yrs, he's smoked off & on, gotten drunk on occasion, & I believe the porn has been an ongoing issue. Anytime I've had problems with any of this, I've first gotten it thrown in my face that "not everyone can be as perfect as you", then he comes back a few hrs later apologetic & promising that he'll change. And, for some stupid reason, I'd believe him. He'd try for a few months, but whenever I'd look too closely, I'd find little lies in everything. His lies are "progressive", he'll start with something like (real example) "I did the taxes online, we'll have $x$ in our account in 2wks" When 3 wks had rolled by, I asked what was taking so long, he had me get online to check it & it said our thing hadn't been processed yet. He said "these things take time, they probably had a lot this time of yr". Ok, so another 2wks go by, during which I've checked daily, so I confront him to ask if he missed a step, if he's sure it went through. "I'll check that" turned into "That info was on the computer that crashed" O-k. It went on like that for over 3 months before he admitted that he had NOT e-filed, but had printed them & sent it. Another month later it turned into he had never mailed them off, or filled them out, or even printed them. So, by then, I'm pretty ticky that he's lied about it for that long, then I get accused of being an unreasonable bitch for raising my voice. See what I mean? Who does that to someone they claim to love!?!?!? He has lied to me about so many stupid, little, everyday "who gives a rip" things that I barely believe anything he says anymore.

Over the past couple months, we both did job changes. After I got out of the hosp, I tried a few days back at work, then used FMLA while I looked for another job. Only after I was hired on at TJ's did I go in & officially quit L1. He, on the other hand, walked into R's & had fun burning that bridge. The cleaning business that he is starting up STILL is pretty slow. When he first quit R's, I felt he was justified, but asked, begged, him to apply for unemployment. He went to the office once, decided it was too long a wait & left. Even when we figured out that you can apply online, he put it off for a few wks. He claims he did it a few wks ago & claims that it's pending & hasn't been rejected, but I'm not holding my breath. So, in the meantime, we've been living off my checks. I found out last wk that a few of the jobs he has done have given him some pretty decent tips & he KEPT the money for his own usage! WTH! Where does he get off letting me bust my butt & having my checks go to living expenses & feeling entitled to keeping $25-30 here & there for himself? To eat out or go to a mid-day movie!

On a spiritual note, I feel like he's a hinderance too. As the head, he hould be taking the lead. I can't tell you how often I go to meetings by myself. Part of the reason he quit R's was supposed to be the ability to not have work get in the way. Well, this w/e is a 2 day assembly in NC & he booked jobs for the w/e. Now he's trying to convince me to stay home with him & go a different w/e. No! I requested the time off for this 2 months ago & he's done this before, know what happens? We don't go! I'm going to travel up with my parents.

So, those may seem like some major marriage issues, but I think it's the day to day things that have me fed up more. How many adults need to be told to shower every day? Not many, right? He'll go for 2-3 days w/o showering, until I'm to the point of threatening that he will be sleeping on the porch if he doesn't. When we go out places, he takes no initiative to look nice- shave, put on clean clothes (he can have a dozen clean shirts hanging in the closet & will still go for the one that he's worn for 2 days already!), use a lint roller, brush his teeth, etc. There are times that I'm embarassed to be seen with him.

I've probably also mentioned that he snores & I know I've mentioned that I don't sleep well. I've had that stupid sleep study set up for him 4 different times & he'd cancel or no-show it every time. When I talk to him about it, I'M selfish for wanting him to spend a night sleeping in a strange place with monitors hooked up to him.

The issue is that he has the ability to pass himself off as an adult to others. To really know what I'm talking about, someone would have to live with him for a couple weeks. I've been to this point before & he manages to convince others that I'm unreasonable, or blame it on my mental health, so I've caved & given him more chances. But he never works on any of the changes he promises! I've had enough of it. I'm standing my ground this time, enough is enough!

I really don't know what will happen from this point. I'm going to start with changing all the passwords to any of my on-line communications. When I get my check next wk, my mom is going to set up an account for me under her name so he can't access it. That's the easy part. The hard part will be getting him out from under the same roof as me. As I see it, he can either go back to MT & I'll ship his stuff to him. Or, he can move in with his friend here. I'm not taking him back until I see improvement. I will set measurable things. I want to see him take interest in his spiritual life, the ability to save money in an account,, & the ability to function as a clean human being. I won't really set a time frame on it, but if it goes past the 1 yr time for a separation, I may file for divorce. I'm a little afraid of breaking this to him. He has gotten physical with me in the past, or he may try to guilt me. IDK, but I've got my parents' full support.

As for what I'll do- I'll move into the house as planned, I can afford it on my own. I'll probably seek out a room mate. If he's able to grow up, maybe we can work it out & things will be better. If not, I'll be single & things will be better. As far as children go, I think single women can adopt. And, I honestly have a better chance of raising an adopted child by myself than of raising any child in the instability of living with him.

If you got this far, thanks. I'll try to post again soon to let you know how things are going. Please forgive me if I don't comment for a bit on your blogs & PLEASE don't say anything about this on FB!

Snow, snow, snow...

There's about 6" of snow outside. That would be "ok", but we are also supposed to get freezing rain. That part is not too fun. We let the cats out onto the deck this morning, they were less than impressed with the white stuff. Mom's cat, Mikey, tried to take a bite & ended up with it all over his wiskers. Snow days only seem fun, I don't like the thought of having to be cooped up in the house. To all my Southern friends in this storm- stay warm & SAFE! Don't drive if you don't have to!

I did end up calling in yesterday. The At.iv.an worked, but it also put me to sleep. Dr D cancelled all appts for today. I think she was going to call in a refill for me though. I'm not totally out, but I do have to get some soon. I'm hoping she will resched for Fri, I need to talk to her about getting back on A.mb.ian. I have not slept well in over a wk & have had about enough of it.

Not much other than that. Speaking of family stress though- I've told you all that my older sis is developementally disabled. She'll be 34 next month, but she'd emotionally/mentally about 11-12ish. We don't paint her world in rainbows & roses, but we (the family) do tend to shield her from quite a bit. There are these two women in our cong who really need to get the memo. One of them is divorced, the other is at least legally separated. They had been roomies for the past yr or so. Both of them are....those kinds. You know, the ones who have every ailment imaginable (mostly self-diagnosed & treated), tons of food allergies (again S/D), no money ever, too many pets, & it's all their ex's faults. All of it, really. Anyway, for reasons I don't get, my sis is friends with them. Only, this is really starting to bug me because they show NO tact in sharing these problems with her. This wk it's that they got in a tiff & the one who doesn't own the house stayed in a hotel Sat night & is saying that she is living out of her car now. (imo- a self-induced problem) Actually, this pisses me off for reasons I can't quite explain. About the only way I can is to say that I don't think it's right to lay adult problems on a 12yr old! She understands enough of it to feel bad for them, but doesn't have the emotional resources to not stress out about it. For any of her other faults, my sis is a very kind-hearted person. My parents agree with me, but the problem with talking to either of these women is that they will take offense to it. I'm to the point where I don't give a rip if I do offend them, I'm ready to tell them to cut the crap & find real adults to talk to.

Anyway, here are some snow day pics for ya, enjoy! -

C'mon out, is fun.... Dunno, it looks cold out there!

Ok, we tried it, but didn't go too far!


Pawprints in the snow.






I promised a pic when the blanket is half done, so here it is. Well, it'a a little more than half since there are only 7 rows across. The camera did not do well on the color, but you get the idea. I'll post another when it's all the way done. (and, as always, Ping is ready & willing to help!)







Since we were all here all day, mom made soup & a chicken. Ping decided to take a spot at the table next to my sis. Silly kitty!

WoooSahhhh...

Ever just have one of those days where you wake up in a full panic & can't figure out why or how to make it go away? I've already had an A.ti.va.n & decided that I wasn't going to the meeting with everyone. Now I want it to kick in so I can get to work later. Other than feeling panicky, I woke up with a sore throat/ stuffy nose & yet another cold sore! I just got over a round of them 2wks ago, now the top lip is going. Grrrr! I'm just feeling totally run down & achy (the cramps & feeling weepy aren't helping either).

What I want to do today is call in sick to work & spend the day crocheting w/Ping on my lap, while sipping tea & listening to soothing music. What I'm probably going to do today is wait a few more minutes, take another a.ti.va.n & get my butt to work. Calling in does not count against us if we have a dr's note & I do have an appt to see Dr. D tomorrow. If I knew she'd write me a note for a panic attack, I'd call in. I seriously hate this. I'm fine when I've got it under control, then I'll have a day like this & no one really gets it so I feel like I should just suck it up & get on with life, all the while questioning my ability to do so! Why can't any part of my body work nicely?!?!

Tampon Reveiw

Sorry this is so late in the day. I kinda fell back to sleep & slept too long after everyone left this morning. I was in cramp hell & Travis was no longer snoring next to me, but I did have a snuggly cat, so it just seemed right. Posting that yesterday was enough to make AF show. Stupid 37 day C, getting my hopes up... Anyway, let's do a tampon reveiw!

I've been a Ta.mp.ax "Pe.arl Gi.rl" for several yrs now & have loved them. Mostly. Up until this last yr. I don't know if they changed them, or if it's me, but they've been getting increasingly less comfortable. To the point that I've gone to using pads on my last day or two of AF. In case I've never mentioned it, I HATE pads. I've used tampons pretty much exclusively since I was 12.

So, that sent me on a search for a more comfortable tampon. I believe I have found them! It started with me cracking up everytime I saw their commercials. Then I tried their pads & was amazed at how thin, yet absorbant they are. By visiting their website, I got a free sample (plus coupons!) of their tampons. Now it's official- I'm switching to U.b.y.ko.tex. Insertion is smooth, I can't feel them, no leakage, they're compact & fit nicely in a purse or pocket, & (juvenile as it may sound) the packaging is pretty cool. So there's my review. What do you use & why is it your fav?

Now because I can't believe that I just had a feminine products post, I'll tell you about the stupidest thing I did at work yesterday. It was maybe because I took a da.rv.oc.et before going to work & was STILL in pain, but I broke an entire carton of eggs. At the register. While checking to see if there were any cracked ones. They got all over the floor & even on my shoe. Not my best moment. I check hundreds of dozens of eggs all the time & I swear this carton jumped out of my hands! Another employee said "when you're shopping, you check your own eggs, right?" Well, yeah, my mom taught me to. "If these shoppers don't know to do that themselves, why should you do it for them?" Ummm, I dunno. I guess cause I would be upset if I got all the way home & found a bunch of bad ones in the "cage free, no antibiotics, vegitarian fed, these chickens live in a palace with staff" eggs that I just spent $4 for. What do you think? Is checking of the eggs up to the buyer? Or should I give them the extra service since they decide to come into our busy store (often with children or work still calling them) & spend their money on dinner after a long day?

It was also annoying bitchy old lady day at the store. Why do they all choose to come in on the same day?!? That one wasn't just me, they were hitting the other employees too (our poor meat girl got a 30 minute speech on business 101 because we don't order 30 diff cuts of kosher meat {economics 101- we have to order by the case, people buy one or two of each kind, we have to spoil the rest= major loss! we will order in whatever cuts you want, but you have to commit to buy the case, or get enough friends together to buy the case!}). I can take most bagging requests, & I try to be smart about heavy things on the bottom, cold/frozen things together, etc.; but if you have some totally idiotic thing where each bag can't be more than 1/4lb, or your chicken can't touch your beef & none of the meat can touch ANYTHING else (not kosher, just germ phobic), or you want everything packed by color- Either go get therapy, or pack your own dang groceries! Thank goodness there's not a hidden recorder in the breakroom, these people don't know that they are our lunchtime entertainment.

Well, that's enough from me today. Hope y'all have a great w/e! :)

Stupid cycles!

Did I tell you that my Cs have been "normal" since Aug? Almost clockwork of 28 days, except Nov, which was 26 days. Well that was fun, but my body is done doing that. I'm on day 39 now with no af in sight. No cramps, no bloating, no spotting. I've been a little moody, but I think it's because I keep forgetting to take my Z.ol.oft. And I've been tired, but we just moved & I'm sleeping in a new place. I'm testing first thing tomorrow, but I won't be holding my breath. Of course, just typing this out loud will prob be enough to make her show up. I'll let you know what FR says though.

Cool story- I met a customer yesterday with boy/girl 16 month old twins. We got on the subject of how scary it can be if they come early (hers did) & if they have health complications. She mentioned that she felt bad telling her friends that they couldn't see, touch, or hold the babies while they were still in the hosp, but it needed to be done. I was getting the feeling she was in our "club", so I mentioned that by the tie I have a baby, nothing will matter to me more than it's health. It was enough to let her know that I'm in the club, so she told me that they were IVF embryo adoption after other treatments had failed. I gotta say, I almost teared up for her & could genuinely tell her that I'm happy it worked.

Ok, I should prob get going. I am seriously not motivated to go to work today, so I need coffee & to kick my butt in gear. The furry people here have calmed down, still no where close to "friends", but quieter. (see, pets do count as children! "i don't care about fair, i just want quiet!"- bi.ll co.sb.y) Mine think it's way cool that they're allowed on the back deck here.

Airing of the grievances!

My little girl is one seriosly NOT HAPPY kitty right now! We finally got everything out of the apt & I brought them over to my parents' house. (t stayed to clean the carpets. good guy, comes in handy sometimes) So while Ping & Buster have been checking things out & considering making friends with Mikey, Skittles has been sitting in the office doorway growling & hissing at every human or feline that walks by. Including me. Not cool, little kitty! Not cool.

On the subject of freaked out cats, did you know they can howl like dogs do? Buster showed us that when we first got here. (he's calmed down since then, thank goodness; i really didn't want to hear it all night)

I think I'll give them a treat to calm everyone down. Then I need a shower & a glass of wine.

Movin in the rain...

Oh, yes! We were Mooovin' in the rain! (this should have random music note options!)

Yeah, cause it's not fun enough. So we ended up quite delayed & frustrated. Little sis was over all day helping, which was awesome, then even invited us back to their place for pizza. Coconut rum in coke is very good stuff. Tomorrow (ya know, when it won't be raining) we need to get the washer/dryer, the large mirror to my vanity dresser, the couch, the mattress, & the cats (before they gang up on me in a riot!). For now, I'm going to take my half-tipsy butt to bed.

On the good side, I do have a floor in the main bathroom at the house now. My parents totally rocked out that project!