disconnected randoms...

Bullet points will be the easiest on this post. Just a bunch of stuff. = )

• I'm officially in a size smaller jeans! I'm in an 18 now, so out of numbers that start with 2. Yaaay! I've lost over 20lbs since working at TJ's. I'm lovin that!  

• The pg bi*c* at work is out on bedrest until she delivers. I don't wish anything bad on her, but it'll be nice to not have to see her. She is seriously so mean! It's really not fair that she gets a baby.

• I actually like playing darts. I'm not very good at it, but it's fun anyway.

• The night started out with going to a religious service. The first thing they did was announce a birth. I reacted horribly. I went to the ladies' room & was sobbing in a stall. So my sis & I ended up going to her fav Irish Pub & had drinks (and we got takeout from the In.di.an rest across the street, the pub doesn't serve food, so they're cool with you bringing it in). I actually had 3-4 drinks & a shot of some sort of mint schnapps that was pretty awesome. I don't usually drink that much so was surprised that I didn't even get buzzed. (not that i was trying to)

• We are loosing people left & right at work! Too many illnesses & injuries. Bronchitis went around (missed me [knock on wood]). Back injuries are adding up (again, missed me [kow]). Then there's the time off for births. The good part is that I'm getting extra hrs from it. :) I think I had pretty close to a full 40 last wk.

• My female cat, Skittles, turned 10 today. Not that we celebrated or anything, but wow. I have a 10yr old that I can't count as a tax deduction.

• I decided not to get the tatoo. A few of you hit on my pros/cons. I feel that it would be a part of my body that I could take control over. It's not a design that I would regret & it may help get some of the emotional pain out. However, I would always be concerned about offending someone if they saw it. And, really, if I feel like I couldn't show it to anyone, what's the point? If I do it in another form & display it somewhere prominantly in my home, it's viewable. (even by me, i can't see my back) Julie had a good point too, in our religion we don't view our bodies as "temples", but our lives are still a gift from God. I've already made the decision to live my life for God. So, I feel that it would be disrespectful to do that. (for me, not talking about anyone else w/tats!) I do strongly believe that there will be a time when God will wipe out every hurt that we've ever experienced, so I will trust that He can wipe that pain off my heart too.

• Travis talked me into going to the Na.sc.ar A.llS.tar race in May. It should be fairly fun, Chris & misty are coming up for it. = D 

Ok, I think that's about it for now. I hope you all are doing well. I know there's been some sadness going around, so (((HUGS))) going out to whoever may need them!

They want me to be happy!

Further reason to LOVE my job! I got my Zo.lo.ft filled today, NO co-pay!!! It's one that they cover 100%! :)

That was actually the second best thing I heard all day, to know what the best-BEST thing was, check out E's post! Good things CAN happen to those of us in IF-land. And I'm hoping that Sherry will keep up the trend on Thurs!

I've been thinking more about the tattoo thing. Both sides of the matter. I'll post more about it soon. (sorry, y'all are a great sounding board!)

Cold feet...(poss trigs?)

Have I mentioned on here at all that I want to get a tattoo? Nothing big, I would like 2 small fireflies somewhere on my shoulder. I know I've mentioned that I refer to my m/c's as fireflies, so I wanted to put them there. This doesn't necessarily make sense, but if one gets pg & has a baby, they go through the pain of child birth, then have a baby to show for it. If one gets pg but m/c, they go through a hell of a lot of emotional pain, but no one else really sees it. I would like to put the emotional pain into something physical & permanent.

The "design" is relatively simply, I don't want them any bigger than 3/4" & I would like one purple & one pearl (i never had edd, so one i know i conceived in feb & the other i know i lost in june). I was even trying to thing of a way to incorporate baby feet into the wings.

So, why the cold feet? I've talked about doing it for a while, but the reality of doing it has recently come up. There's a girl I work with who was a licenced tattoo artist in CA & owns a tattoo needle (gun?). She would be really happy to help me with it. The issue is that she is moving to NC in a couple wks. So I think I'd have to decide pretty soon if I for real want to do this. (or, it's really not too far. i could hang onto her # & go up there sometime for it) Either way, here's the dilemma- I really want it. I've made peace with that, I think my reasons are sound & I'd have it done in a spot that I could cover. However... I worry about offending someone if it's ever found out. I was sitting at the meeting yesterday & thought about that. Tattoos are kinda a no-no in our religion. I'm not saying that no one has them, there are those who got them before they were JW's, or even some who were raised in the religion & got them during a rebellious stage. I'm neither of those categories. Sooo, IDK. What do you think? On a side note, I talked to DH & mom (at different times), hoping they could give me a decent reason to not, but they have both said the same thing about offending someone, but that it is my body & ultimately my choice. Maybe I should just hang onto her number for a bit so that (no matter what) I don't feel "rushed" into it.

Reality is mean

Wow. It's one thing to work along side someone, see their belly expand, & know that they are going to have a boy. It's totally another thing to see them come in with a stroller & realize that this 21, unmarried kid is really responsible for another human. I did good though, I didn't break into tears at work. Ouch though. :(

How am I?

Today, I'm at home from work, sick. I was trying to go in. I was dressed, in the car, partway there. I kept throwing up in my mouth. I was totally nauseous, crampy, a little dizzy, & my back feels like someone is sticking daggers in it, so I called in & told Reggie I couldn't do it today. I HATE having to do that! AF has been trying to start for a couple days now, but so far has only done heavy spotting at best. I'm getting kinda ticky with this since my body goes so haywire that I get sick. No bueno! I am fully planning on getting a Lap to check for endo. There's no way this can be normal. (also, i've noticed a small pea sized bump on my cervix. i'm only able to feel it around af when my cervix is soft & low. i first noticed it last month, but it's still there as of today. should probably get that checked).

But I don't think that's what Allison was asking. ;) As far as T & I. Ummm, we're trying. I don't feel like I can trust him & he feels like I'm critical when he doesn't meet my expectations. We're trying to work on ways that we can communicate better. ( i don't recall which show, possibly futurama, a woman says "i'm not sure this will work; you're a man, i'm a woman, we're just too different!') The elders have been helpful so far. I can't explain it, but I think there's something about me telling them how I'm feeling that's finally making T listen & hear it. We're still planning on getting him in to talk to a dr too, we're waiting on ins cards. So far, we got the dental ones, but I don't think a teeth cleaning is the solution to marital problems. (maybe...in extreme cases...)

Also, as if there wasn't enough stress, there's a guy at work who;s getting bolder about hitting on me. I'm ready to punch him. He's 24, for starters. I'm married, he has a gf, I've turned down all his advances & given him NO reason to think that I'm at all interested. Or that there're even any problems in my marriage. This week he told me that he "could be that guy". I said no, he told me not to say no unless I was 100% sure, so I told him I'd say it twice, I was so sure. The next time he starts, I'm going to tell him point-blank that it's not appropriate. If it continues after that, I'll take it to mgmt. I so totally don't need that crap right now!

So, that's me in a nut shell. Hmm, sounds like I'm bitchy & in pain! And tired, I feel like I could fall asleep standing up.

Why I don't watch the news (TRIGS)

Really, big time TRIGS!!!! But this has me so ticked off, so I'm just getting my thoughts out about it.


There was a woman who gave birth to a baby in the bathroom of a local arena, then walked off & left the baby in the toilet. The good news is that the cleaning crew saved his life about an hour later & he is in NICU, but improving. http://www.bostonherald.com/news/national/south/view.bg?articleid=1315490

The mother did end up coming forward & is now in jail (total of a $30K bail bond will prob keep her there). She is claiming that she didn't know she was pg & that she has amnesia & doesn't remember anything after going to the bathroom. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41492090

I'm calling BS on it! I don't think she should have any rights ever again to that baby & her other child should be taken away as well! I don't think it's possible to give birth to a nearly 6lb baby & NOT know it! Even if it was unplanned & not something she wanted, there are Safe Haven laws. She had the wherewithall to get HERSELF to a hosp, but not to take a newborn out of the toilet? BS, BS, BS!!!! Yet, there are people who will try to spout out that IF is "population control"?!?!? GRRRR!

Anyway, have to get to work. I'd rather not today because AF started, but to work I must go.

Can this marriage be saved?

Probably. Not that it'll be easy, but somehow I still think it's worth it. He has agreed to marriage counselling, I need to find out what my ins covers & get the appt set up. He is also going to see a personal psychiatrist to see if he needs to be on some sort of medication (he was on a/d for a while yrs ago, but then decided he was better & stopped taking them). I am taking over all the finances & he is aware that I will not be giving him acct info. It'll be a hassle when it comes to the taxes, because I've never really done them, but I'll get involved in that too.

He is back with me now. My sis' place was really not a good solution. It's more of a room mate status right now. (he has taken me seriously on the hygiene thing though, showering w/o being told to) It is a little tense right now, still being at my parents' house. I'm hoping that the house will be liveable soon.

We met with an elder in our cong last night, it was helpful. I don't think T fully realized just how desperate I was beginning to feel in all of this. We're meeting again on Friday, they'd like to help however they can.

That's pretty much it right now. I think it's best to learn from mistakes & grow from it rather than call it quits. I'm hoping that w/i a few months I'll be happier for making it to 10yrs, rather than feeling like I've wasted 10yrs of my life. Thank you again for all the support & listening to me vent. I'm gonna go become a brunette now. (literally, i bought a pretty dark hair color!)