Therapy works

I was going to post this about a wk ago, just because I was amazed by how well I got through the 12th, aka: Mother's Day & what would've been my 12th anniversary. The wk got crazy though, so now I'll tell you how well I got through the whole wk.

I'll start by saying that about a month ago, Dr D reduced my Zoloft from 150mg/day to 100mg/day. With her direction, I've added in Sam E & another multi-vit formulated for mental health. I have a great support network that I let know about it & gave myself permission to go easier on myself if needed. With the exception of a couple days, it's going pretty well (those days came after it rained for 5 days straight, i was a zombie!!!).

So, fast forward to the 12th. I worked that day & didn't even need extra meds. I saw plenty of families & wished a lot of "Happy Mother's Day". I had gone shopping with my niece the day before (she's a blast, 7 months old & the kid loves the mall) & put together cards/gifts for my mom & sis. While at work, I had fun chatting w/kids about what they did for their moms & helped a few of them with flowers & other gifts. It crossed my mind a couple times how old my babies would be & what they may have gotten me. And it crossed my mind what we might have been doing for our anniversary But I didn't go to pieces, or dwell on it. They were only thoughts. I was able to say "ok, that happened, but right now I'm at work & have a job to do". It was nice to not be controlled by the past.

The week got a little crazier from there. Travis came to town to visit his friend & go to the race in Charlotte. April marked the date of us being separated for a yr & I hadn't filed yet because he'd told me that he had (still can't tell me the truth!). I've found a few surprises in going through paperwork & bills since he's been gone; I've gotten it mostly sorted out & needed to go over a few things with him as to who's paying what. In talking on the phone, I found out that he'd decided not to have a lawyer & that he hadn't actually filed for divorce, so we agreed that we could talk it over & be civil about getting this done.

We met up on Wed & it was...interesting. It was perfectly friendly, there were even a few times that we were laughing & joking. I could remember why we were friends, why I'd enjoyed hanging out with him. But that was all, I can look at him & see a good guy, but not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. He asked if I hate him or if I only remember the bad. No to both. I hate what he did to me, I hate what our marriage became, but I don't hate him. I told him that somewhere in the last year, I'd come to peace with the fact that there are good memories. I gave myself permission to have them w/o them affecting the final outcome of this. And, despite it all, I don't bad-mouth him or run him down.

On Friday, I filed the divorce.. The woman at the courthouse was so matter-of-fact about it. I'm sure it's every day business for her, but it was awkward. Travis left town last night. He came by work on his way out so I could serve him the papers & get his signature on a couple things. After we did the paperwork, I gave him a hug, told him to take care & have a safe trip back. He left, I went back in to work, took a couple of deep cleansing breaths, & finished my night.

I dunno 'bout anyone else, but I'm pretty proud of myself. There was a time that any of the above would've sent me into a total panic attack & running for Ativan, but I did it. I got through it. (i'll admit that during the course of last wk, i broke out in hives, had 3 eczema breakouts, a fever blister, digestive issues, a stress-induced migraine, & a minor flip-out on my bf, but got over it all) All in all, I am so much stronger than I ever knew I was capable of.