The feats of strength (aka: moving SUCKS!)

We're almost out of the apt. We'll be staying w/my parents for a couple days. Once the sheetrock is up & we have a working bathroom, we can stay at the house. It's really beginning to look a lot different.

It turns out that the more sleep deprived I get, the faster corny jokes come to mind. Here's today's- If a teenager decides to go G.o.th & paints their room black, is it a "decoration of independance'? Hahahahaha! Not funny? Kill off a few brain cells with alcohol or no sleep, then read it again. (at work the other day, someone left a round of cheese under a register [last minute 'no buy' thing & it was forgotten] & it got all moldy. I came up with "this gouda is not so gouda")

Anyway, gonna shower so I can watch the ball drop & get some sleep. Still nothing further on little sis, but she offered to come over & help tomorrow, so I'll talk to her more then. I hope you're all having a SAFE new year! :)

Even bigger blow this wk.

Big TRIGS here-

I'm sorry. I'm sure you're all sick of hearing these. I seem to be attracting the bad this month. (time to retreat & stop answering the phone!) I texted my sis on Sun to let her know about some medical issues w/gramma (gma's fine, btw). So, she called me that afternoon & at the end of the conversation says "we probably need to talk some time this week." Those are words that, really, no one ever wants to hear. I didn't. I guessed what she wanted to talk about & was right. I flat out asked "are you pg?". She said yes. So, I was instantly choking back tears & a little hurt to get out a good for you.

Her reply back was "don't congratulate me yet, they think it's ectopic & I'll probably have to have a d&c by the end of the week." So, then I've got a trillion questions, why do they say that? What's going on? Long story shortened, they did an u/s last wk & saw a mass in her tube. She had another u/s done yesterday & they couldn't confirm anything in the uterus & couldn't confirm what the mass was. (i'm a little ticked that her dr only did external u/s though. they aren't accurate at 6-7wks!) She decided to wait another wk. Today she texted to tell me that she started bleeding full force. I advised that she still get an u/s next wk to check on the tube thing.

I've been a mess all week over this. You may recall that (due to her recent life choices) we have limited contact with her. So, I'm feeling upset that I can't be there for her. I'm mad that she got pg w/i 2 months of being married. I'm sad about her loosing the baby. I'm mad about... all of it! That she changed the relationship. It's been a lot to take all at once. Thank you so much to the 2 who've been texting me through this all week (you know who you are & i love you for the extra support). I'm just really stinking ready for this whole stupid yr to be over! We'll be moved by the end of next wk, so I may be scarce for a while. Love y'all though. I hope the rest of your yr goes smoothly! :)

Difficult situation

Probable TRIGS, but I need to get this out.

So, I have a friend that I met at my last job. I haven't kept in touch with anyone from there, but I do with her because I study the bible with her. Anyway, She told me back in Sept that she was done with the guy she was seeing. She'd had enough of his lies, called it quits, gave him the boot. I cheered her on because it bugs me when guys like that sneak around & cheat on the person they're with. Six wks later, she called me with "big news". You've probably guessed, she was calling to tell me she was 7wks pg. CRAP!!! So, I comforted her through that & assured her I'd be there for her. And I've been doing my best to keep that promise. To the extent that last Fri, I went over to her apt at 8pm after working all day to help her move out of there (financial issues), which took until midnight. That was after getting up early that same day to help her pack up. We ended up moving her stuff into the garage at our new place & we're giving her free storage (i really wouldn't charge anyone for that). She told me that she was going to stay with her sis for a couple days, then move in with someone from work who needs a room mate. I even took her fish home with me when she wasn't sure what she was going to do with them. (moot point now, they were all belly-up sat morning. dang guppies. i hate fish, they stink & they die, this is why i don't have fish. same with rodents. i like them, they just don't like living with me.)

So I texted her yesterday to see how she's doing. She's fine. And she's staying with the guy. She's not sure she's going to end up doing the room mate thing. I'm really trying not to react to this, I don't want to alienate her. But, REALLY?!?!? He has been going back & forth with "it's ok, i'm here for you" to "it's not my kid, not my problem". He already had a child with someone else before her & had moved onto (at least) another girl after her. And where was HE to help her pay for anything or to even help her move last wk?

I've been kinda ticky today & I finally narrowed part of it down to being a little ticked at her. I feel really bad about that too. She's going through a tough time & if I'm going to be a friend, I should be unconditionally supportive, mind my own business, & set a good example. Only, it's really hard to do all that when I see her make such a bad decision! And especially with the subject matter. Honestly, if there were a way to brain-wash her into open adoption, I may look into it. Ok, not really, but you know what I mean. She knows a little about my IF problems, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't know how much it takes from me to "be there" for her right now. I know I'll suck it up & get on with life; thanks for letting me vent though.

Sorry I've been MIA lately, we're splitting our time between packing & working on the house. We'll be out of the apt next Fri. Ahhhh! It's ok, it'll all work out & it'll be a huge stress off. I hate packing, but I hate that apt even more. And T has been great with helping with laundry & packing his stuff. I think there should be a stamp though that says "packed by the husband, goodness only knows what's in this box." He gets points for effort anyway. I hope you all are doing well & have a great w/e! :)

Here's a cool pic though. (they had nothing to do with the fishs' deaths, i think it was shock) I may have to find a way to keep fish alive, just for Skittles & Ping's entertainment. :)

"What's all this then? Did mom open a sushi bar?"

It's freezing here!

Literally. Which is an issue when you live in the South. I don't think we've been above 40* all wk! I know, quit sulking about it, it's Dec, but grrrr, I hate winter!

In other news. Ummm, Welll. Ok, I have no other news. I had to call out from work on Sun & Mon because I wrenched something in my neck & woke up Sun unable to use my left arm. Not fun. I saw the chiro on Mon & she fixed it, but I've still had a little numbness off & on.

I actually have Sat & Sun off this wk & we're planning to be working on the house. We got it insulated, the roof leak is totally fixed, now it's time to get bathrms in & some walls framed up! I will admit that I'm getting a little freaked out over the whole time-frame of having this done & getting moved out. So I'm hoping that this w/e will be very productive. I've got a few pics of "before", "during", "total freaking mess", & "what the heck were we thinking", I'm going to wait to post them though until I also have some "improvement" & "look, it's getting done" shots to go with it. Or maybe if I posted what we have now, you'd all head this way for an old-fashioned "house raising". ;) You may be wondering why it's worth all the work. I don't blame you. The reason is that we are going to pretty much be paying "rent" of the house taxes & ins. Let's just say I haven't paid this little since before I was married. And, ok, I'll leave you with one pic.

This is the back yard (all the way back to where the red roof is) . The whole lot is 2 1/2 acres! Isn't that awesome? I'm already planning a bbq for next summer. :) And one of my friends has already said that she's going to bring her boys over to let them run while we sip coffee. That would be totally fine w/me! So, bbq will be approx May, if any of y'all wanna come. ;)

A request... (trigs)

As many of you know, Christina's dad passed away just 7wks after her mom did. This is an incredible amount of loss in a short period of time. I know that our thoughts & prayers have been with Christina & her family during this time. It made me think of how quickly this could happen to any of us, so here's my request- If you can, give your parents an extra hug today. If they don't live close, give a phone call, text them, send an e-card, do a video chat. Do something to let them know how much you love them & thank them for all they've done for you.

My prayers are going out to so many in blogland tonight. This week has seen too much loss. If anyone has some good news, we could use it! My love to you all! (((HUGS)))

Paging Dr. G.oo.gle!

Before I get started, thanks for all the nice comments about the bear. :) It just takes a lot of practice & patience. It also may help that I find crochet to be very calming. I'll post a pic of my blanket when I hit the 1/2 way point.

Anyway, this is a TMI post, so I apologize in advance. I'll start of by saying that I am in pain. A LOT of pain. I told DH earlier that I don't mean to be so grouchy, but it's literally taking all I've got to not be screaming. AF showed up yest, giving me a 26 day C! Honestly! I wanted "shorter", but not that short. Yest I took 1500mg of ty.len.ol (i thought it was ib.upr.ofen, grabbed the wrong bottle) before going to work. It did nothing, so at lunch, I took a packet of ib.upr.ofen & a packet of extra strength pain reliever (mix of aspirin, tylnol, & caffiene). That finally dulled the pain a little. During the night, I woke up soaking through my tampon & with cramps so bad, they were making me sick to my stomach. Not fun.

So today, I took 800mg of ibu.prof.en (would've taken more, but T was having fits about the possibility of me burning an ulcer through my stomach. honestly! i don't take it on a reg basis & i took it w/food.) I may as well have taken tic-tacs for all the good it did. I was & still am in full cramp hell. This sucks.

I got to asking Dr Go.og.le about the symptoms of Endo. I've been told that endo & pcos can run together, so what's the possibility? Ok, just got back from a lot more reading. Check out this site, particulary question 73. From what I'm seeing, it's possible. I already know that I have pcos, but a lot of my symptoms go more with endo. At any rate, do you think it will be hard to get a Lap done? I'm beginning to think it's time for one. I try not to say too much about it because I don' want him to feel bad, the the pain w/sex is getting worse too.

The ins should be starting pretty soon. They said about 10wks of employment, so that's the 17th. Ish. I'm pretty sure I've got the 200hrs already, just waiting on the time requirement.

Oh & while I was in so much pain yest, I got the most helpful suggestion from someone at work. (we really do need a sarcasm font) She said "You should just have a baby. I used to get really painful cycles, but having 2 kids fixed it." I didn't kill her. She doesn't know & is otherwise pretty nice. But if only it were that easy.

Ok, I'll quit griping now. Have a good night!

A couple photos

Believe it or not, I'm still alive! Sorry about the lack of posting; remodeling is a big job. The worst part of it was the roof. IDK who ever "fixed" the stupid thing, but they shouldn't have. So, long story really short, we ended up scraping off a few layers until we got to bare wood & redid it the right way. There shouldn't be anymore water in the house when it rains now. In the process, we also discovered that the exterier walls were never insulated. I've heard that wasn't too unusual around here back then, but it needs to be fixed too. This wk's goal is to tear off all the sheetrock from the exterier walls & put up insulation. It's fun to tear off walls until you have to do clean up. I almost know the people at the dump by name. Anyway, I will do pics of that soon, but it's not today's pics.

Today's pics are of one of my fav hobbies- Crochet! This is the bear I did for the baby shower cake. (poss triggy) The baby was due by the end of Oct, so the shower was Nov 13. Yeah, so they ended up going in on the 11th to be induced & she finally made her appearence a little after 7 on the 13th. SO, for reasons I don't quite get, they still had the shower w/o mom & baby. Mom made the cake for that shower, but we didn't want to put the topper on it since she wasn't there. We made a smaller cake to take to them when she got home. These are pics of that cake. (BTW, the baby was 10lbs & is so cute & has the biggest cheeks! and she was her parents' 4th try; they had 3 m/c before her.)


Please ignore the messy countertop, I didn't think to clear it away before taking the pic.

This is a closeup. The diaper can actually come off & T really wanted me to stick a wad of dark brown yarn in it as a "surprise" if they ever take it off. I thought it would be funny, but didn't do it. I'm looking forward to making a few of the other animals now.

In other, totally random news, ever have one of those C's where you just know it was a no-go? I've been spoting off & on since around O time & I've had cramps since Friday. I coulda swarn AF was going to start on Sunday, but really! I'm only on CD26 today! Grrrrr! Oh & I've been lactating a little for about 6wks now. I wish my body would get it's act together.

As many of you already know, I turned 30 last wk. I'm taking it better than I thought I would. Or maybe I'm just too busy to process it. This is soooo not what I had in mind when we very naively started TTC 5yrs ago. I seriously thought I'd be chasing a toddler with a baby on my hip. Sigh. I guess not. Anyway, that's a downer.

I gotta get going. I'll be a better blogger & leave comments soon. I have been READING all y'all though! :)

I'm so happy I'm down!

So, going from sitting on one's butt all day at a call center to never sitting down all day at a grocery store is a GREAT work out! I've lost 10 lbs & nearly 9 INCHES! WoooHoooo! 2" were just from my belly. Not to say that I'm at the final goal, but really, getting to that in 6wks is just awesome & a great mood boost.

Also good at work- Yesterday I met someone who's a nurse & goes to a dr who specializes in PCOS. She was telling me that they had to remove an ovary due to 3 massive cysts on it (the cysts were bigger than the ovary!). After the surgery, they wrote out a bunch of scripts for her. She said it was ennough to keep a 75yr old woman going. She decided that she didn't want to be stuck on all of them & started doing research. She ended up modifying her entire diet & found this dr. He runs tests that the others don't (saliva instead of b/w?) & treats only with bioidentical hormones. I got his name & number. The ins should be approx another month, I'll be checking into him. Have I mentioned that I haven't taken Met for about 4wks now? And I've been fine with it? Anyway, I'm starting to get excited about TTC again. It's not like we've prevented on this break, I just also haven't really tried.

Other news- Still plugging away at the house. It's starting to look a lot different. :) We're planning next w/e as a "get stuff done" marathon. It's not that I don't want to post pics, but I am also spending my "spare time" (what a joke!) packing. Speaking of pics, I crocheted a "baby bear" as a cake topper for a shower cake my mom made. It turned out really cute & I've been wanting to post a pic of it. Would that be too triggery? Or can I show it off?

I have to get going over to the house now, that bathroom isn't going to rip itself out! TTY later! :)

Feeling better

Thanks for the support, I really do appreciate it. I took my day & moped around, then told myself it was enough of it & got back to life.

I'm getting a little less worried about work. They told us from the start that we wouldn't all work out there & there may be some crew changes by the end of the yr. So they've started weeding out people (& some have quit). But, I'm still being scheduled for the full amount of hrs & get mostly register (which is good). I'm also still getting chosen for things like helm, that's walking around greeting customers & helping them find things. You don't ask to do it, they ask you. (kinda like the AMX black card)

My stupid cold is almost gone & AF left. So DH no longer considered me the prickly harbinger of death. Sex is good for the mood. Sorry, TMI.

Ok, I've really got nothing new. I'll try to get a pic post of the house soon. :)

Depressed today (poss trigs)

That dream I mentioned on the last post stuck with me all day yest & still today. How is it possible to feel such a sense of loss from something that wasn't real? I have a very large sense of sadness. The cramps aren't really helping either. I ended up calling in to work, something I did NOT want to do so soon, but I'm just not "on" today. I think it's time to see Dr D again soon. (yes, i'm taking my meds, but i need to talk it out)

I've narrowed a lot of it down to "30's coming". In 21 days, I will hit the age that I wanted to be done having children at. I'm not saying this as a blanket statement for everyone, & I don't want to hear that "30 isn't that bad, you're still young". It was my goal & I didn't reach it. So that will be 5yrs that we've been TTC. 5 YEARS. Over 1/2 our marriage. 1/6 of my life. 60 months. 60 times of thinking "maybe this is it" & having it not be. And too many times to count of having to be "happy" for other friends as they effortlessly get what I want so badly.

I know I should "count my blessings" & "be happy for what I have", but I really just feel like having myself a little pity-party right now. I fill my life with so many other things. Hoping the pain will quiet as I get more immersed in each project. But when I get some time alone with my thoughts, all I hear is my heart yelling about what's not there. And I want to stomp my foot hard enough to shake the earth & scream "It's not fair" loud enough to be heard around the globe. I feel like maybe if I did, the other women who know the pain would yell just as loud "no, it's not!". Then maybe people would hear us & take notice & be aware of the many ways they hurt us.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you did. Stupid hormones, I've worked myself into a good cry now, so hopefully that'll help.

How can a DREAM be so painful?

This may be triggery, though it's not real. I had the best dream in the wee hrs this morning. I found out that I was pg & it was very detailed. I was 10wks, saw a beta number, & even an u/s, I could so vividly see it & even the hb. It was great, I was so excited, so happy. Then I woke up to AF. That sucks out loud! Where is the fairness in that?!?!? The only good thing I can say is that it was 28days. So, my Cs have been really regular since Aug. Good, right? Unfortunately, I lactated again this month. PLEASE may that not be a new PMS sign! I had to go to CVS (I lost my cold sore medicine) & ended up also buying Raisenettes dark, Reeses dark, & a Dark Symphony bar. Gotta love chocolate, so comforting about the STILL not pg issue.

Ok, I'm really in a much more down mood than I thought. Typing is making me realize it. A friend told me on Sun that she's pg. She's about 8wks now, they broke up almost 7wks ago. WHY does fertility "bless" the un-wed? It's just not fair!!!! I am being supportive though, so I met up with her & her sis for lunch & gave her some vits that I picked up for her last night. As much as I hate IF, I'd never wish an unplanned on anyone either. It still tugs at my heart to think about it though. I'd be delighted to go in for back pain & find out it's pg. Alright, I gotta stop before I start crying.

Ok, good stuff- we got the kitchen of the new place gutted out. The place looks a little scary right now, but it will all be worth it soon. I tooka few "before" pics, I'll post them soon. I can't wait to get out of that stupid apt. I'll try to catch up with all your blogs soon. My parents are out of time & I agreed to spend some time with older sis.

How work is going....

Great! I know that it sounds totally lame, but I LOVE this job! Is it tiring? Yes. Is it hard work? Yes. But it's also social & invigorating in ways that I can't quite explain. The bosses are more like "conductors", so that's really cool. And the customers have been so excited to have us open. On Fri, there was barely standing room, people were waiting in checkout lines for over an hour (they were all open & we were working at full speed!).

So, one step down, one step closer. Next move- apply for spring semesters! Oh & 7wks more until ins! :) It's 200hrs & 105 days of employment.

Ok, now for a work rant- The whiney pg chick must die! I work with 3 (that i know of) pg women. One of them is driving me nuts! She's in general a bitch, often walking around with a scowl on her face. I'm really confused as to how she got hired, but some people are really good at faking their way through interviews. So anyway, it started over the w/e. Someone asked her if it was a pedometer she's wearing & her response was "Yeah, I have to. I totally don't want to get FAT during this pg, so I walk 5 miles a day. I just really would be pissed if I get FAT through this." I held my tongue, but that just irritates me anyway. When she left the room, I mentioned to someone else that it's more important to grow a healthy human & that she should be thankful for the ability to do so as there are many women who'd give anything to be able to.

So, last night, there were 5-6 pallets that came in PLUS 3 pallets of wine. The weather here has been really crappy the past couple of days, it was raining out & the idea was to get them in, broken down, & staged before everything got ruined. (uh, that basically means unloaded & wheeled out to the floor to be stocked) So, I'm back there in the middle of unloading my 3rd pallet & this one was all beverages. And due to the rain on the plastic, I'm getting dripped on. It was honestly not fun, but I could either waste time griping, or just truck through it & I chose the latter. Well, BitchFace walks back & starts complaining about how she's been working in wet produce ALL DAY. And how she is SOOO SICK of it, it's been like 7hrs straight! (really? that's not what the sched said.) I truely bit my tongue on that one. Ever have one of those mental images though where you chuck an entire case of Pel.legr.ino at someone's head? I did. She's almost 6months & I'm really hoping that she quits soon. Or that her attitude catches up with her & they get rid of her.

Anyway, the other 2 pg women are cool. One's rather young (19-21? ish?), due in Jan & really sweet about it. She'll still jump in & do whatever needs done. The other is prob close to or in her 40's. She has dealt w/IF, she has a near teen (he was natural), & 9yr old twins (adopted). This baby was a total surprise & she's about 3months. Having been through IF, she sensed it in me & has been really sweet about the whole thing. She had a spotting scare yest & had to go to the dr. So she had fresh u/s pics & asked if I wanted to see them. (i did, they were awesome) To know to ask though was really sweet of her.

Anyway, that's my wk in a nutshell. I didn't sleep well last night & need to get to bed. Love all y'all!

2 more days till opening...

I must admit I'm really excited about it. Also somewhat nervous. I'm hoping that all our shoppers will realize that we're new & be cool about it.

DH is finally getting pd! The check came into the office on Mon, CSB deposited it & got the paperwork to the accountants. So we will finally get to catch up on bills before someone sends a lynch mob.

Did I tell ya'll that we're moving? Not far, just to the other side of G'ville. It's a really cool house actually. It belongs to a friend of ours in the cong, she had to move out a yr ago due to the unfun parts of aging. So, we've been chatting with her younger sis who's been taking care of it since. It needs some updating, so the deal is lowered rent & we do a lot of the work. The really good deal of it will be that we can get all the flooring at my dad's cost.

Not much else...I've got the first 2 rows of my blanket done & am almost done with the 3rd. I'll try to post pics soon. I should take a couple of it "in progress". [i'm assuming you all want to see it ;) ]

I'm not sure if I've never seen this commercial, or if it's just never mattered to me, but it actually made me tear up. I know that feeling & it's one of the worst places to be. But, that's another topic.

If you don't hear from me in the next couple days, it'll be because I'm dead-tired & unable to move my fingers enough to type! :)

A blogger in need of support

If you haven't been to Christina's blog yet, please pop over & give her some support. Her father is still in the ICU & she's dealing with the loss of her mother at the same time. I sent an e-mail to all of you who's edresses I have, but if you haven't gotten it & would like to send her a card, you can e-mail me. I'm my_teffieAThotmail.

It's a fun game!

When I was younger, there was a cash register grocery store toy that I thought was really cool. One of my friends (ok, all little girls actually have frenemies) had it, but didn't share very well. This week, I've done nothing but play that game. It's a brand new store, we open on the 22nd, so training is a lot of fake shopping. We take turns being the shoppers & the cashiers. It can get a little boring to be a shopper, so we do treasure hunt lists or find things that start with a certain letter, today mine was "w". I keep referring to it as "playing" though. :) And todayI got to help prepare the sampling. It was cool. I've been asked what I'll be doing once we open- Pretty much everything. It's how they operate, an employee spends a couple hrs cashiering, then changes to a couple hrs stocking/facing, jumps in & does bagging, goes out & gets carts, helps at the sampling station. It's really very awesome for those who like to stay busy, but may find doing the same thing for 8hrs tedious.

My feet are sore, but I come home feeling happy. At first, I was thinking that I'll loose weight from all the running around. After tasting a few things today, I'm not so sure that I won't be putting it right back on.

Unfortunately, the thing with CSB did not go well. DH still has not gotten a check. That's prob about all that I should say about it. We are purSUEing further action. And on that front, Misty totally rocks! :)

I got stung by a wasp last night. Stupid thing followed me into the car, I went to put on my seat belt, heard bzzzbzz & felt pain! I'm allergic, no fun. I had to run back into my parents' house & take a big dose of allergy meds. My face & arm still went numb & I had a hard time swallowing for about an hr or so. But today, the welt was gone.

Ummmm, sorry. I have no life! Thanks for reading anyway though. Love ya all!

Nothing new

This is just a quick hi. I started training yest, it was actually fun. We are already turning people away (not open yet) so I know that we'll be busy.

Still fighting CSB. He's back now, but not returning calls. >:o/ I've had enough of it! He has until 2pm, then we will get a labor lawyer involved & have them review ALL the jobs DH has done there to see if any of them should have been pd at time & a half. It will cost him a LOT less to just get the damn check written!

Ummm, that's really it for me today. I have to get going. Lots to do, not much time. :)

"Can't you just play a video game?"

"Or something else normal?" That's what DH said. He doesn't think that looking up multiple websites about Russian/Ukrainian adoption of older children is "normal". This from the guy who plays fa.rmvil.le, fro.ntie.rwo.rld, ca.fe.vil.le, etc & last night was begging me to join CV so he could buy a new piece of equipment for his fake restaurant. Hrmph!

Have I told you any of the crap that's gone on with his job (that prompted his job change)? If not, brief recap- the cheapskate bstrd (csb) he's been working for has been basically short changing us all yr. When they switched over to doing water damage, it was supposed to be really good money. Only CSB decided that the worker's didn't get paid until the money came in for the job. This is NOT the normal way of paying for this sort of work. Well, there were times that we waited 30-45 days to get pd on big jobs. Part of the delays were due to the incompetent office idiot who's ONLY job there is to take pics of the jobs & to submit the paperwork to the ins companies. SHE is on salary, so why should she care if commission sheets are done on time? Nice when the money comes in, only they were giving DH checks of $200-300/wk in the meantime. That's not really enough income, even when I'm working. So, by the time we would get the big check, we owed more in late fees for everything than it was worth. So, now it's down to getting his last check, which is close to $5k before taxes. By law, they should be giving it to us TODAY. However, the CSB has decided to hold it ransom until he gets back in the country on Tues & has a final meeting w/DH. I am SO MAD!!!! There's nothing more to say! All yr, the CSB has been promising dh one thing, then reneging or putting it off until he's "back in the country". (he's currently on his 7-8 trip *this year* to Co.lum.bia) There is not an offer that he could make to DH that would make him stay!

And the most infuriating part of it is that there isn't really much of anything we can do! DH filed a complaint with the labor board. And he filled out a complaint with a local news station that does a "7 o.n. yo.ur. si.de" thing. So, we're going to make sure that CSB gets some hassle from this, but none of it will get the check to us any sooner. If I could figure out who to submit it to, I'd have some form of gov up in his face about all the trips to Co.lum.bia. I think he's got a new bride over there (5th wife), maybe INS should look into it? Or IRS could do a business audit? Sorry, I'm not usually vindictive, but this guy has crossed the line!

Ok, I'll stop now while I can still get my BP back down.

I got it & "her"

Good news first- I got the job!!!! :o) I never really thought I'd be excited about working in a groc store, but it's step one of the plan. (get a job in a place that doesn't make me crazy[er]) The next part will be applying & getting into college. The guy called me back before 5 yest & I've got orientation this Sat! :) I'm super-excited! The pay is a little less, but since I haven't been making ANYTHING not going in the last 2 months, it's better than current. And there's a 10% emp discount. Ins starts after 700hrs (i think) & everyone who works there gets the same benefits. Plus the uniforn is a Hawaiin shirt, can't go wrong there, right?

Bad news- I have company. Stupid af showed up today. On the plus side, that's a 29 day C, so they're getting shorter. But who of us really ever wants to see her anyway? I am in cramp-hell right about now. Also good is that I'm not going nuts, I've wanted to cry for no reason all day, so at least now I know why.

Other- where IS everyone lately? Don't make me do a roll call!

Error 503 drama

Ok, so it isn't really drama, but I've noticed that posts with that word in the title get more comments. ;) Error 503 is getting annoying though, so if the Blogger gods ever check these things they should fix it.

Before I get too far into this post, I'll tell you that I *think* the interview went well. I should hear back by the end of the wk. If I don't, they've decided to go a different direction. I have to say, I could really use this right now. I wish that I would've been able to suck it up & go back to my job at L1, but I'm only human & have limitations. I can't tell you how nice it would be to have a fresh start at a place where my sis isn't.

Other stuff is all just sorta random. But there's something I'll talk about. My feelings on telling people about our IF & my pcos have changed. No, I'm still not going to walk around with a billboard & anounce it to random strangers, but I've found relief in talking about it. I'll give an example- (there may be some trigs in this) We went to a 5-yr anniversary party on Sun night for a couple who've recently moved here. They are also expecting their first baby, a girl, by the end of the month. After the first pang of seeing the pg belly, I decided to just relax & enjoy the evening. It was really fun actually. Seeing as it was a dinner, I had called ahead to see what they were cooking (very rude, i know, but food allergies force that sort of faux pas. they understood since they deal w/food allergies too). So I brought my own pasta & since mom made the cake, she also made a GF cake. Well, there was one older sis who had asked my mom about the GF thing, what happens if I eat it, etc. So mom explained the pcos thing to her. her responce was "wow, i bet that would make it hard for them to concieve too.." Mom told her it does & it's a source of great pain to us. I hadn't known about that until after, but I don't mind it.

After a few of the other people had left, we were sitting around chatting & the woman who hosted the party asked me about the GF thing. So I explained pcos to them. And told them about the m/c. I was surprised by the understanding. The woman who hosted the party (she's the mom of the "groom") has herself been through m/c. Her sister went through a total of 10! (she had 6 before she had her first child, then the others between children, she has 4 children now.) I took the chance to tell her that I may not go to the baby shower & it's nothing against her, they're just too difficult for me. She completely understood & we discussed that I could go visit at a time that it's just us & I wouldn't have to put on a happy face through a whole party. I still strongly believe that I will get through IF. In the meantime though, I can't keep limiting myself to living under my rock for the fear of hurt. (it's a good rock though & at least i can decide who joins me there)

My bbs still hurt pretty bad & I was still lactating as of last night. Today, I've felt a little crampy though & now I'm starting to think that they may just be crying about AF coming. If she is visiting me, I'll try to keep her so she'll leave one of you alone!

I have a 1o:3o interview @ trader joes. Send me job vibes! :)

An award & a gripe

Thank you Kitty & Dot for this award! The rules are that I share 7 things about me, then pass the award onto 7 other bloggers. (i think there's something about letting them know too.)

Ok, 7 things about me. I'm trying to come up with stuff I haven't told you before. It's a little hard, I tend to be very open on my blog, but here goes-

1. I hate personality tests. My ex-fiancee was totally into them & used it as an excuse for everything. I think that's crap. Personalities are fluid, you can add to yourself or remove parts you don't like as you age & grow as a person.

2. My parents had to give away my first cat because I was mean to it. In my defence, I was only 2.

3. I've got an inner nerd. Mine likes Star Trek (i watched every series except voyager) & Quantum Leap (i admit that i have a thing for scott bakula!)

4. I did not like ice cream or cool whip until I was well into my teens. For CW, it was a texture thing.

5. Another food one, I never eat all the frosting off a peice of cake. Esp if it's an end piece.

6. I could not swim until I was 12 & even though I LOVE it, I have to have goggles or I won't go past wading.

7. The 2 toys I wanted, but never got were Lincoln Logs & a Magic Nursery Baby. (i'm sure as heck not paying $85 for one now though!) I grew up just fine though.

Ok! There are my 7. Aren't you happier now that you know? ;) As for nominations, I don't have that much brain power today. I'm taking the ultimate cop-out- YOU! You are nominated if you're reading this & haven't done it yet. So have fun!

Now my gripe. It's TMI, but I'm griping about it anyway. MY BOOBIES HURT!!!!! As in, the movement of them when I walk is just about making me cry. I've been lactating sinces Sat. I'd LOVE to think that this is some pg sign, but it's happened before. In the catagory of trying not to stress about this C- today is CD27. I had a LOT of ewcm on days 11-15. I spotted on days 14 & again on day 19. And, though we're tab, there was plenty of BDing while the ewcm was around. So, there we have it. I'll test if af doesn't show by CD32.

That's enough info about me today! :)

Do you need a laugh?

It seems that most of us do this week. So, this one is brought to you by inane cat behavior!

Any of us who live with cats will probably acknowledge that they are nuts. I often equate living with them to living with an un-medicated mental patient. Some of the craziness we get used to. For example-

Co-Dependancy! (i also have a bunch of them sitting on me, but this one is cuter. good way to stay warm though)-

Or, the in general odd places/positions they sleep in!- (i must explain this next one, T has a bad habit of putting his dirty work shirts on the chair. Buster is "his" cat & gravitates toward anything that's T's)
(this is a very common pose for Skittles. it usually involves my pillow)

The odd places they sit- (i think some days the ducks gang up on Ping)

(what is this crap? I said animal planet!)

There are the not-so- sneaky hiding places-

And even the complaints that I NEVER let them go ANYWHERE! (they have free reign of the apt. this is the bathroom closet door)

But, there's one that I just don't understand-

WHAT is the objection to this union?!?!?

I bought these a few years back (cherished teddies, i have a few CT figurines too, including almost the entire "strawberry fields" collection). Since I got them, they have been on my vanity, just like this. And no one has ever had a problem with it. Until a couple months back. I now come home & find one or the other of them as far as the living rm (other times hallway, bedrm floor, or just knocked to the floor). WHAT GIVES!?!?!?!?

If that didn't get you laughing, check out this website. That should link you to the one my mom ordered for me, but there are a lot of great ones on there!

Many wishes going out that your storm passes & is replaced by a rainbow! (that sounded less cheesy in my head, sorry)

Random Babbles

Hiya! I'm in a fairly good mood, but I have no real subject for a post. So, lucky you, I'll do bullets of what's on my mind.....

* The job fair went pretty well. I didn't panic being in the crowd (flock, swarm) of people, so that was good. I got some good ideas about places to apply & have done a few of them. I chatted with a VERY friendly Vzn rep about my call center qualifications. Ok, yeah, call centers suck. However there are some benefits to going to that one vrs the one I'm at. For starters, due to not working & not having a paycheck, I think I've lost the ins at my company. From what I've heard, it would be like starting over & I'd have to wait another 6 months to get it back. That sucks. VznW offers ins from day one! Also, people would KNOW that they're calling a CC & I wouldn't have the frustration of having to explain why I'm not where they think I am. I really enjoyed doing tech services when I was at DTV & I would think that Vzn operates along the same lines. Honestly, I've been praying about the job situation & trusting that He knows more than I do about what'll be best for me.

*One of the other great things about the job fair was that the major colleges were there. And I approached the one that's my first choice & found them all to be incredibly helpful. I chatted for a while with the woman about the course I want to do & she gave me a ton of helpful hints about applying & paying for it. (loans, grants, state ed lottery, etc...) I feel MUCH more confident about going into that & succeeding. I am banishing the negative thoughts & reminding myself that I have always done well at anything I've applied myself to. And I loved school!

*There was a really cool article on MSN about unusual animal moms. Like a dog that nursed tigers, a cat that took in a squirrel, etc. I was going to post a link, but they changed out all the stories before I could! (like anyone really gives a flying rats patoot about ki.m ka.rdas.hian!) I hope at least some of you saw it though.

*I've been having Blogger issues lately, anyone else? Error 50-something when I try to post a comment. Grrr!

*I think I have a stomach bug. That's really TMI, but I'm going on about the 4th day of off & on stomach cramps.

*Speaking of TMI, I'm also ending a wk of EWCM & feeling like my cervix was going to fall out. We had a few BD sessions in there, but still technically TAB, so not allowing myself to obsess over it. (yeah, right!)

*My sister is getting married tomorrow. The immediate family is not going, including me. The extended family is & a few of them have decided to give us crap about it. No, it wasn't an easy decision. Yes, we do feel that what we're doing is right. No, we don't need the guilt trip! Nice that people who are barely in our lives though think that they should have a say in what we do just because we're "family".

*The blanket I'm crocheting for our bed is coming along nicely. It's done in squares that get sewn together. I'd started at the center, but wanted to see more progress, so I did & sewed together the whole first row. I'll post pics soon.

*Ok, that's about it for now. I'll have one soon about my crazy cats. They've picked up a new behavior that's too funny not to share, but I have to take pics of it. I hope everyone's having a great day!

Progress in unexpected areas...

I'm getting more amazed by the mind's ability to rebound. I've made some steps forward that I wouldn't have thought of. One of the biggest has been my reaction to things.

The first one has major trigs- I already told you that I went & visited with the friend who had twins & really enjoyed the visit. That was Thurs night. Oddly, the same day that the woman my mom works with, O, had her baby. So Fri we went to see her (diff hosp). Again, I can't believe how well I did. No tears, no anger, no feelings of intence jealousy, just truly happy for her. Her baby, Savannah, came about 2wks early & weighed in at 5lbs7oz. I think she's the smallest baby I've ever held! And just adorable, I now know the definition of "button nose". O also has PCOS & we were chatting about procedures. She was told that the only way she'd get pg would be ovarian drilling. I think they may have been planning on waiting when they found out they were pg. (her DH is going to school to become a chiropractor) So, it almost gave me hope that it can happen, even with crappy ovaries. I also managed to introduce myself to a new couple in our cong. She's due in Nov. Again, no feelings of anger at meeting her. I still can't say that I'll be able to go to her baby shower, but her in-laws are having a 5yr anniversary party for them in a couple wks & I'm going to that.

Another is that I'm not yelling at DH for things that I may have in the past. Yes, I have OCD issues & I'm not always easy to live with. I admit to over-reacting over things that didn't warrent it. But I don't even feel it anymore. I can look at something & see a way to fix it without the blowup. For example, I went totally OCD on my kitchen/dining room the other day. The cats dishes are in the dining room & their food mat had attracted some bug. Bugs in my home is one of my buttons & the South has every bug imaginable! I was able to clean up the mess, kill off the bugs, wash out the cats dishes, change out their mat to a rubber one, & wash the entire floor (which ended up including the front of the appliances, the lower part of the cabinets, & the trash can) without yelling or getting mad at him at all. It was very unZen to the bugs, but I'm ok with that.

Anyway, on the job front. I still freakin HATE that place! Tomorrow is my day off & I'm going to a job fair. Mom helped me update my resume (mom rocks!) so I'm going prepared. I'm really hoping to find something that I can start as early as next wk. I think that feeling productive again would help even more.

Ok, sorry this got long & I'm gonna go do a couple on-line apps now. Good day wishes going out to all y'all!

Frustrated....

I still feel like I'm making progress & getting better, but only in some areas. IOW- I'm still having a hard time going to work. I know I can do it, but it still just makes me want to cry. Needless to say, that's had a negative effect on finances, which is just stressing me out more. I've put in applications at a few other places & really hoping to hear back soon. I think I could drag myself to my current job if there was an end in site. Good news, our town is getting a Tr.ad.er J.oe.s & they JUST started taking apps, so I'm going to try for that. I honestly just need a CHANGE right now. I can think about an actual career in a couple months.

Some progress (poss trigs)- I went to see my friend at the hosp last night. We actually couldn't see the babies, they're having some trouble with glucose levels (touching/holding them is making them use too many calories), so even the new parents are restricted on how much they can hold them. They showed us a ton of pics though & they are adorable! (their names are London & Charlie, cute & modern) The new mom, L, is so sweet. We actually just talked for a while & I am honestly very happy for them. It's been a very long time since I've felt that way about a new baby. They are supposed to be going home today & she ended up having a c-sec, so I'll be calling her in a couple days to offer house cleaning. We even talked some about adoption. She had planned to start their family through adoption & offered to share with me the research she'd done. There are countries right now that are basically doing adoptions for the price of airfare do the the number of children w/o parents. If anyone is interested, let me know & I'll make a point of posting it when I find out.

Not so great progress (again, trigs)- The woman mom works with also had her baby this wk. Yesterday actually. It seems to be "have a baby" week. And there are 2 more pg women in our cong, so I will again be confronted with babies galore. Sigh.

I keep trying to tell myself the "one step at a time" thing. I'm really focussing on positive thinking, but it's not coming as easily as I'd like. Sept is usually a difficult month for me, there are some difficult dates in it, so maybe that's adding to the feelings too. I'm just tired of how long this is taking, I want to be better NOW! (patience may be a virtue, but not really one of my strong suits!) I'll keep moving forward, even if it's inch by inch, until I get there.

JJ Marie???

Has anyone heard from her? Her last post was PTL & I'm worried that we haven't heard any more. Marie, if you still read, please let us know how you are! And if ANYONE has a way to contact her, please tell we care.

Poss TRIGS- My friend had her twin girls last night, all are doing well, but there was a bit of a scare for a bit & they came at 35wks, 4days. So, it really brought to mind how scary twin births can be!

Want a date w/my DH?

LOL! I know that sounds bad. He won free tickets (including pit entry) to the O'Re.il.ey Au.to Pa.rt.s Na.ti.on.als at the ZMax dragway for next Friday. He's super-excited about how much fun we'll have. I'm trying to convince myself that it'll be ok to go. Racing is not really my thing, but cars that can go 0-300 in 8 seconds DOES sound pretty cool. Have any of you been to one? Any advice? I'm thinking earplugs for sure.

A Plan...

Ok, I'm starting to feel better & am formulating where I want to go from here. I'm still not sleeping too well, I left a mssg w/Dr. D & have not heard back yet. However, my thinking is getting clearer.

So, currently, I'd almost say that I'm stable. With one exception- when I think about going to work, my mind literally goes dark & tries to tune out/turn off. I'm sorry if that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's the best I can describe it. I have narrowed it down to a couple of reasons- having to see my sister there & dealing with everyone asking where I've been. I can though, wrap my head around a new idea & my mind stays lit- I'm applying for a couple of new jobs. Yes, this will probably mean a couple of months w/o ins & will further delay the TTC process, but if I continue as is, I will end up back in the hosp. Even if I get PT, it will be ok. (i may start selling jewelry on the side)

Once I have the job thing taken care of, I'm going to start college. I still want to be a Physical Therapy Assistant. From what I've found, it will be anywhere from a 14-24 month course. And, it's a field that there's a need for.

I'm SOOOO thankful that everyone around me has been so patient with me through all this. Esp DH. I've been getting so frustrated with myself because I just want to be better. But depressive disorders are not like an infection that one can take an antibiotic for & feel better in a week. We're over-hauling some major brain chemicals. I've been able to laugh a little more in the last couple of days & it feels so good. I'm getting glimpses that I'll be me again.

Another big relief- DH got a new job & will be done with the one he's at as of the 17th! I'm sooo happy for that. His current boss has screwed him over more than enough. And they don't listen when he tells them he's not available. DH has missed waaay too many important religious/family things because his boss has threatened to fire him if he doesn't come in. Oh & they think nothing of working him 30hrs straight, or 60hrs/wk. Or until 2am & making him come back in at 8:30am! He should be able to stay fairly busy while setting his own sched. :)

A thought on mental/emotional disorders & I'd like to know what you think (even if you disagree w/me)- I think that there should be rule that psych meds can only be rx'd by a psych dr. It really scares me to think that I could go for so many yrs having the same script renewed w/o anyone ever checking me to see if it was still working. They should be evaluated a minimum of once/yr by a pro. I'd say more frequently when it's a new drug for the patient. Yes, it may be slightly more expensive to have to do it that way, but really? If you don't have your head, how are you supposed to function?

And last, pics of the other 2 jewelry sets-
This is the set I did for me. It's freshwater pearls & glass beads with a "gun metal" finish.

Here's a closeup of the necklace. I pre-stung the beads on the wire & crocheted it, then loosly braided the 4 finshed wires.

I love how the earrings turned out. I coiled both the inner & outer wires for the swirl effect.

Here's the set I did for older sis. (the one who's mentally handicapped) So, yes, it does look a little "young", but she LOVED it! The flowers are shells (Misty, remember I told you I could do those better than the store did?), the other beads are glass. She has a real thing for pink.-A close up of the earrings. I like how these turned out. -

Ok, that's a long enough post for today! (((HUGS))) to all y'all!

Someday...

"And maybe, someday, we'll figure all this out. Try to put an end to all our doubt. Try to find a way to make things better now, and Maybe, someday, we'll live our lives out loud. We'll be better off somehow, Someday." ~Rob Thomas

Sorry, I'm still not doing too well. I'm not feeling suicidal anymore, but I just want to sit & cry. I feel like I must be insane. I also feel like that corner by my eye is going to be permanently irritated from all the salt.

I have not been to work since last Monday. I'm going to try really hard to force myself to go tomorrow. I'm pretty sure they must hate me by now.

I have made 2 more necklace/earring sets. I did one for me & one for my older sis. I love mine. I'm sure she'll like hers, though I will admit that it's not something I'd wear. (maybe, depending on the outfit...) I'll post a pic of the soon.

I made it to & through the (religious) meeting on Sunday. With the help of an ati.van. But that's, o-k. Everyone was happy to see me, but my goodness! that can be really stressful. If you have a depressed friend who you haven't seen in a while, please refrain from swarming them with a huge smile. I'm not up to going tonight.

I can't figure out if I'm on the wrong med, or not enough of it. I'm up to 150 mg of the Zo.loft, I had been taking it 50mg/morning & 100/night. It was too stimulating & increasing nightmares, so dr changed me to all in the A.M. I tried that for a couple days, but was waking up totally "drained" & decided to change to 100/morning & 50/night so there was still some in my system upon waking up. But I'm still really not sleeping well at night. The nightmares have lessened, but I'm still dreaming vividly & waking several times during the night. And when I wake up, I'm fully awake & alert. Honestly, I'm still just feeling exhausted, but I feel like I have to push myself through it or 1) it's not going to get any better & 2) people around me will start getting annoyed that I'm not doing anything. I don't have an appt with Dr. D until the 27th, but am thinking I may need to call her before that.

And to top it all off, Spot showed up today. I hope AF just gets here instead of spot messing with my head for a few days. Ok, I'm sorry for all the whining. Thanks if you read this far.

It's an up-hill battle...

With a few backslides. At least, that's how I feel about it. My dr tells me to stop trying to race myself. I just want to feel better. I went to work on Monday & it was ok. The calls all went well enough. I had a ton of people asking where I was, but most also said they were glad to see me back. Then, Tues, I crashed.

It was my day off & I was going along pretty well, doing laundry, dishes, etc. Then little sis called. She was having a bad day, called out from work & asked if I would spend time with her. She had been telling me of suicidal thoughts on Mon night, so I agreed. I really can't do that anymore. At this time, she is totally toxic to me. And I've been trying to keep myself from totally spiralling since then. There is just so much frustration with every stupid decision she's making right now! Basically, if you're a bi-polar person who refuses to get the right help & instead tries to drown your problems in alcohol, while joking around about suicide, life is not going to go smoothly. And she'll be totally fine, then decide to contact me & try to drag me into her emotional mess. I just don't have it in me. I saw my dr yest & she calls what sis is doing "emotional blackmail". She explained that I can love my sister AND be mad at her for what she's doing. She also encouraged me to set whatever boundaries & limits I need to in order to keep myself safe. (goodness, i feel selfish saying that. but the difference is that i want help & want to get better)

So, I've ended up calling in Wed- today because the thought of going to work (and having to see her) sends me into a panic attack. I'll be looking for a new job soon. I don't even care if it pays less. The reduction of stress is worth it. It'll have to be something w/ins though. I'm concerned about a lapse in coverage, but this dr says she'll keep seeing me at whatever my co-pay is until a new ins kicks in.

Anyway, here's something I've been working on, finished it last night (it's for mom). Family says I could sell similar items.-

The whole set---

A closeup on some of the necklace beads---

A closeup of an earring----

I don't think I'd get enough from doing that to make it a job, but it's relaxing & could be a source of side money. Anyway, sorry to be a downer today. Thank you if you read through it anyway. Love ya all!

HI!

Just checking in. I really have no real news. I'll be discharged from outpatient on Fri & will be going back to work on Mon. I have to admit- I'm gonna miss group! Dr D has agreed to keep seeing me for my follow up care. I'm thrilled about that, I totally love her. I'm a little anxious about going back to work, but I'm reminding myself that I'm good at what I do & it'll be ok. Right. We are cutting back on my hours though so I can have just a little more "me time". Maybe that's selfish, but it'll be better for my mental health. I really don't look forward to everyone asking where I was. Fortunately, I'm not obligated to tell them!

My little sis was officially divorced on Monday. I did not expect that to hurt as much as it did. And she's getting married next month. Yeah. There's no talking her out of that. I'm not going. Please don't try to guilt me about that. The whole story is too long to put in here. I can sum it up with she has gone about this in all the wrong ways. I do not & can not agree with or support what she's doing. It hurts like hell that I won't be a part of her day, but it would put my mind into incongruency to go.

Anyhew, still stable on my meds. Another dose increase today, so I'm almost at full strength. Love you all & hope you have a great day!

Checking in...and puppy therapy

Hi! I'm starting to feel a little better & can tell that the new meds are helping. Dr D (btw- she's awesome! very kind, almost motherly. she's from Bulgaria & i LOVE the sound of her voice & accent) upped the dosage yesterday & I didn't feel as foggy this morning. Did I mention that I'm going to a partial in-patient now? It's been useful in learning new techniques. The goal is to integrate logic into emotion so we can make better choices in times of stress. Today we discussed w/e plans during our check in & I'm not quite sure what I'm doing this w/e, but there's a baby shower that I WON'T be going to & my progress is that I do not feel guilty about that. I told DH that it's important to do something else fun though so I'm not just sitting at home knowing that I'm not at the shower. I think we're going to see a movie, prob the new Cats and Dogs. Also, I'm going to take soem time to do my nails. The group therapist will be checking them on Mon. So what are you doing this w/e?

Now for puppy therapy. I have a friend who's dog had pups & I finally went to see them yesterday. :) The pups are almost 6wks old & into the "explore everything" stage. Here are just a couple of the pics of them, I hope they aren't too fuzzy. (i either need to upgrade my phone, or carry a real camera!)

All 5 of them-

Chewing my toes!-

Chewing a shoe. Note, the shoe belongs to a 16 month old & is still big for the puppy! -

Puppy pose close up!-

Being cute is hard work, time for a rest! -

Learning to surf....

We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf. ~Source not remembered

Hi ladies,

As you all already know, I got to the breaking point. I'm very sorry to have worried anyone. I can't really say that there was any one thing, but I've been going downhill for a little over a month. The thoughts of driving my car car off the overpass became more constant & started sounding better. I didn't really want to kill myself, I just really wanted my mind off for about a week. So I checked in.

The first day was the worst. The depression wing was full so I had to spend a day in the "Intensive Care Unit" (schizophrenics & other halluncinators). I can honestly say that I'm thankful not to belong there. Otherwise, the hardest part is the lack of privacy & having to go a whole week w/o shaving (eww!).

It turns out that I've been on the wrong medication for a long time & only about 1/2 of what's considered an effective dose. The dr changed me from Ef.fex.or to Zo.lof.t. Apparently, it's a relatively safe one to use through pg, you just have to go off for the latter part of the 3rd tri. (no, i'm not pg, just planning ahead). I'm also going to an outpatient therapy course. The new med is taking a while to be effective & my brain is still kinda fuzzy. Another plus of new med- it's $20 cheaper per month & much smaller. If anyone's curious, the official diagnosis is "Major depressive disorder with high anxiety & OCD tendencies". (i think it makes perfect sense to color code my closet & alphabetize my cds/dvds!)

Thank you to everyone who sent the texts, or even their love through someone else. :) It was appreciated more than you'll ever know. HUGE thanks to Misty for doing that for me. (((((MAJOR HUGS))))) back to all of you.

As far as TTC, we will probably still get T tested soon & may do some follow up b/w & tests on me, but we are going to hold off on any hormonal treatments until I'm stable on the new med. I'm thinking it'll be better not to overload my system.

I will be trying to read & catch up with you all over the next couple days, but right now, I'm just exhausted. I love you all & will check in soon.

I'm Alive!

Hi Ladies!

Sorry about the lack of posts. We've been w/o internet for a while. It's a long story, but it should be back up soon. On the upside, I've gotten caught up with some reading (did you know that you can find words printed on paper?!?! Whoda thought it! ) Anyway, nothing really new with me, just same old. I've been mostly working lately.

I finally called RE's office to find out cost of a SA, only $80! We're planning to get it done in Aug, or maybe towards the end of July if DH doesn't end up doing the out of town work. I'm on the fence with the HSG. It's $1200 if we bill it through the ins, or $600 if we pay out of pocket. That really makes no sense to me. I'm really just ready to go on Clomid & just deal with it if I get multiples.

I was actually feeling ok last wk with the whole IF thing. At peace with it, I should say. Not impatient. Then... the "Announcement". Like something in life knows when we need an extra kick in the uterus! The "friend" I've told you about who pretended to be concerned about the PCOS thing, then turned into a witch as soon as she found out that she was pg (i've referred to her as N) , is execting their second. Ouch! Unplanned. Double ouch!! Telling people that it wasn't planned, but they're making the best of the situation. Would you just like to twist that knife a little while you've got it in my back!?! The only good side is that I heard it through a friend who has been through multiple losses & yrs of TTC, so at least she didn't think my reaction was out of line.

Anyway. I'm posting from mom's house & I'm actually over here to help her get a rummage sale set up. SO I'm gonna run. I'll get all caught up with all y'all soon. Love ya bunches! :)

Trigs---I'm an aunt

Travis' sister had her baby today. He's healthy & adorable. I tried my best to keep from crying most of the afternoon. Then decided to just let it out when I got home, so I watched M.y Si.st.er's Ke.ep.er. Yup, that'll make you cry if you ever need to! Did someone say the movie ending was diff from the book? How did the book end? And don't tell me to read it, I'd cry for a month!

If anyone was curious- I decided to not do anything as far as messaging ex's bro. Not a hi or anything. It's a possible can of worms that I just don't have the energy to get into. So, I did ignore a bunch of friend requests & I set my stuff to "friends only". I can't figure out how to put my anniversary in my status though, help?

Better...and NOT pg.

Thanks for all the well-wishes. I really do hate being sick, it's no fun at all! I did end up testing yest am, "not pregnant" in very clear digital words. So, if not food poisoning (which i still think it was) , is it possible to get this sick from hormonal changes? My left ovary hurt so bad on Sun that I thought it would explode. So, my last period was really a period, but if I'm O'ing this strong, maybe good news in a couple wks.

Other stuff- Can anyone help w/FB ettiquete? I joined so I can keep in touch w/SIL & see the pics of the kids. I've had a few friend requests & more than one where I'm scratching my head going "who the heck is this?" One where I recognize the name, but couldn't pick them out of a crowd. This may sound mean, but I'm not at all interested in keeping up with people who I barely knew. I'm an outgoing person, so there's probably more than one person who I was nice to in person, but would not consider more than a casual aquaintance.

So, do I just ignore it, or actual click "ignore"? Also, one of the reasons I've avoided FB for so long has turned out to be right- Most all of the people I grew up with already have multiple kids. Ouch! Even the ones who were younger than me. Double OUCH!!! Oh & IDK how much I've ever told you about my ex-fiancee, but looking through a lot of profiles & friends' lists; his family seems to have gotten all my friends in the breakup. How'd that happen? His little brother has responded to me on something I said on a mutual friend' page. So, maybe that's hope that a decade can make us all behave as adults? Or he doesn't realize who I am. It's rediculous really, I've broken up with people before & remained friends. When ex-fiancee broke up with me, he chose to spread all kinds of rumors around about me & my fam. I never got an explaination of why or what I'd done & it took me a LOOONG time to get over it. I don't want to rehash any of it, it's in the past, but I'd like to think that we could at least say hi or be in the same room w/o getting sick to me stomach. What do you think? Should I send a message to his brother & at least let him know that I have no intention of starting any HS drama? Or would that be starting drama? I've just always been such an open & upfront person, I don't do the drama. Really, any opinions would be appreciated.

Proof that Mondays SUCK!

It occurs to me that this should have a TMI WARNING!!!!

I ended up getting sick at work 4 times today!!! I wasn't feeling sick. I'd just be in the middle of a call & my mouth would start watering, then uncontrolable throw-up. (if i've never explained this- i DO NOT throw up! i will do everything in my power to keep it from happening). I am a true professional though. I'd place someone on hold, puke, finish the call, THEN get up to the ladies' room. So I was really ok with it, like I said, I felt fine. Until the last one. I couldn't control that one fast enough & ended up getting it on my jeans, desk, etc. By then I was fighting back tears of sheer embarassment. I went to the RR, cleaned up, & told a team lead that I was going home.

DH had dropped me off, so I called him to get me, clocked out, & hid in a conference rm until he got there. On the way home, I said "pull over" & got the grand experience of throwing up from a car. (fortunately did not get any in the car!)

He made me tea & chicken soup when we got home & I've managed to keep it down. I'm going on 6hrs puke-free now. I think it was food poinsoning, not entirely sure what from, but narrowed down to a couple culprits. I was asked 45 times today if I'm pg. No, I'm really not. I'm taking a test in the morning though to appease DH.

ON A MUCH HAPPIER NOTE---- Today was also my mom & dad's 35yr anniversary! Go mom & dad! :)

I'm sorry to not catch up on blogs right now, but I'm gonna head off to bed.

Two Lines!

Unfortunately, it's only a balloon. We went to our fav Mexican place tonight & the guy is there every Thurs. There was this family that had kids who were being just obnoxious. I'm usually good at not shooting the look at parents, but this was beyond out of control. He noticed & said "I'll bet you just can't wait to have kids now." I said that I was fine as is. So, he made this for me. It was funny actually, he noticed that DH was wearing a shirt from the home team town & turns out he's from the same town. Graduated fromt he same HS as DH, just 4 yrs earlier.
He also made this one for me. The funniest thing about that is that no one told him my fondness of ducks. It can actually be worn as a corsage. I loved it.

I've done pretty good working out this wk. I did 30 mins Mon, & 40 on both Tues & Wed. I'm impatient though, I think I should see results right away & have to keep reminding myself that it took time to gain it & it's been comfy on my waist for a while. So, it'll take time to get it back off. We have a challange at work & the criteria are 5/wk for a total of at least 150 mins. I skipped today because I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck & ended up calling in. I think it may have been a mild migraine. So, I had a pretty easy day. I watched "Clo.udy Wi.th a Cha.nce of Me.atb.al.ls", it was cute. It didn't really follow the book, but it was good.

Well that's about it. Sorry, I have a boring life. I'll talk to y'all later.