Do you need a laugh?

It seems that most of us do this week. So, this one is brought to you by inane cat behavior!

Any of us who live with cats will probably acknowledge that they are nuts. I often equate living with them to living with an un-medicated mental patient. Some of the craziness we get used to. For example-

Co-Dependancy! (i also have a bunch of them sitting on me, but this one is cuter. good way to stay warm though)-

Or, the in general odd places/positions they sleep in!- (i must explain this next one, T has a bad habit of putting his dirty work shirts on the chair. Buster is "his" cat & gravitates toward anything that's T's)
(this is a very common pose for Skittles. it usually involves my pillow)

The odd places they sit- (i think some days the ducks gang up on Ping)

(what is this crap? I said animal planet!)

There are the not-so- sneaky hiding places-

And even the complaints that I NEVER let them go ANYWHERE! (they have free reign of the apt. this is the bathroom closet door)

But, there's one that I just don't understand-

WHAT is the objection to this union?!?!?

I bought these a few years back (cherished teddies, i have a few CT figurines too, including almost the entire "strawberry fields" collection). Since I got them, they have been on my vanity, just like this. And no one has ever had a problem with it. Until a couple months back. I now come home & find one or the other of them as far as the living rm (other times hallway, bedrm floor, or just knocked to the floor). WHAT GIVES!?!?!?!?

If that didn't get you laughing, check out this website. That should link you to the one my mom ordered for me, but there are a lot of great ones on there!

Many wishes going out that your storm passes & is replaced by a rainbow! (that sounded less cheesy in my head, sorry)

Random Babbles

Hiya! I'm in a fairly good mood, but I have no real subject for a post. So, lucky you, I'll do bullets of what's on my mind.....

* The job fair went pretty well. I didn't panic being in the crowd (flock, swarm) of people, so that was good. I got some good ideas about places to apply & have done a few of them. I chatted with a VERY friendly Vzn rep about my call center qualifications. Ok, yeah, call centers suck. However there are some benefits to going to that one vrs the one I'm at. For starters, due to not working & not having a paycheck, I think I've lost the ins at my company. From what I've heard, it would be like starting over & I'd have to wait another 6 months to get it back. That sucks. VznW offers ins from day one! Also, people would KNOW that they're calling a CC & I wouldn't have the frustration of having to explain why I'm not where they think I am. I really enjoyed doing tech services when I was at DTV & I would think that Vzn operates along the same lines. Honestly, I've been praying about the job situation & trusting that He knows more than I do about what'll be best for me.

*One of the other great things about the job fair was that the major colleges were there. And I approached the one that's my first choice & found them all to be incredibly helpful. I chatted for a while with the woman about the course I want to do & she gave me a ton of helpful hints about applying & paying for it. (loans, grants, state ed lottery, etc...) I feel MUCH more confident about going into that & succeeding. I am banishing the negative thoughts & reminding myself that I have always done well at anything I've applied myself to. And I loved school!

*There was a really cool article on MSN about unusual animal moms. Like a dog that nursed tigers, a cat that took in a squirrel, etc. I was going to post a link, but they changed out all the stories before I could! (like anyone really gives a flying rats patoot about ki.m ka.rdas.hian!) I hope at least some of you saw it though.

*I've been having Blogger issues lately, anyone else? Error 50-something when I try to post a comment. Grrr!

*I think I have a stomach bug. That's really TMI, but I'm going on about the 4th day of off & on stomach cramps.

*Speaking of TMI, I'm also ending a wk of EWCM & feeling like my cervix was going to fall out. We had a few BD sessions in there, but still technically TAB, so not allowing myself to obsess over it. (yeah, right!)

*My sister is getting married tomorrow. The immediate family is not going, including me. The extended family is & a few of them have decided to give us crap about it. No, it wasn't an easy decision. Yes, we do feel that what we're doing is right. No, we don't need the guilt trip! Nice that people who are barely in our lives though think that they should have a say in what we do just because we're "family".

*The blanket I'm crocheting for our bed is coming along nicely. It's done in squares that get sewn together. I'd started at the center, but wanted to see more progress, so I did & sewed together the whole first row. I'll post pics soon.

*Ok, that's about it for now. I'll have one soon about my crazy cats. They've picked up a new behavior that's too funny not to share, but I have to take pics of it. I hope everyone's having a great day!

Progress in unexpected areas...

I'm getting more amazed by the mind's ability to rebound. I've made some steps forward that I wouldn't have thought of. One of the biggest has been my reaction to things.

The first one has major trigs- I already told you that I went & visited with the friend who had twins & really enjoyed the visit. That was Thurs night. Oddly, the same day that the woman my mom works with, O, had her baby. So Fri we went to see her (diff hosp). Again, I can't believe how well I did. No tears, no anger, no feelings of intence jealousy, just truly happy for her. Her baby, Savannah, came about 2wks early & weighed in at 5lbs7oz. I think she's the smallest baby I've ever held! And just adorable, I now know the definition of "button nose". O also has PCOS & we were chatting about procedures. She was told that the only way she'd get pg would be ovarian drilling. I think they may have been planning on waiting when they found out they were pg. (her DH is going to school to become a chiropractor) So, it almost gave me hope that it can happen, even with crappy ovaries. I also managed to introduce myself to a new couple in our cong. She's due in Nov. Again, no feelings of anger at meeting her. I still can't say that I'll be able to go to her baby shower, but her in-laws are having a 5yr anniversary party for them in a couple wks & I'm going to that.

Another is that I'm not yelling at DH for things that I may have in the past. Yes, I have OCD issues & I'm not always easy to live with. I admit to over-reacting over things that didn't warrent it. But I don't even feel it anymore. I can look at something & see a way to fix it without the blowup. For example, I went totally OCD on my kitchen/dining room the other day. The cats dishes are in the dining room & their food mat had attracted some bug. Bugs in my home is one of my buttons & the South has every bug imaginable! I was able to clean up the mess, kill off the bugs, wash out the cats dishes, change out their mat to a rubber one, & wash the entire floor (which ended up including the front of the appliances, the lower part of the cabinets, & the trash can) without yelling or getting mad at him at all. It was very unZen to the bugs, but I'm ok with that.

Anyway, on the job front. I still freakin HATE that place! Tomorrow is my day off & I'm going to a job fair. Mom helped me update my resume (mom rocks!) so I'm going prepared. I'm really hoping to find something that I can start as early as next wk. I think that feeling productive again would help even more.

Ok, sorry this got long & I'm gonna go do a couple on-line apps now. Good day wishes going out to all y'all!

Frustrated....

I still feel like I'm making progress & getting better, but only in some areas. IOW- I'm still having a hard time going to work. I know I can do it, but it still just makes me want to cry. Needless to say, that's had a negative effect on finances, which is just stressing me out more. I've put in applications at a few other places & really hoping to hear back soon. I think I could drag myself to my current job if there was an end in site. Good news, our town is getting a Tr.ad.er J.oe.s & they JUST started taking apps, so I'm going to try for that. I honestly just need a CHANGE right now. I can think about an actual career in a couple months.

Some progress (poss trigs)- I went to see my friend at the hosp last night. We actually couldn't see the babies, they're having some trouble with glucose levels (touching/holding them is making them use too many calories), so even the new parents are restricted on how much they can hold them. They showed us a ton of pics though & they are adorable! (their names are London & Charlie, cute & modern) The new mom, L, is so sweet. We actually just talked for a while & I am honestly very happy for them. It's been a very long time since I've felt that way about a new baby. They are supposed to be going home today & she ended up having a c-sec, so I'll be calling her in a couple days to offer house cleaning. We even talked some about adoption. She had planned to start their family through adoption & offered to share with me the research she'd done. There are countries right now that are basically doing adoptions for the price of airfare do the the number of children w/o parents. If anyone is interested, let me know & I'll make a point of posting it when I find out.

Not so great progress (again, trigs)- The woman mom works with also had her baby this wk. Yesterday actually. It seems to be "have a baby" week. And there are 2 more pg women in our cong, so I will again be confronted with babies galore. Sigh.

I keep trying to tell myself the "one step at a time" thing. I'm really focussing on positive thinking, but it's not coming as easily as I'd like. Sept is usually a difficult month for me, there are some difficult dates in it, so maybe that's adding to the feelings too. I'm just tired of how long this is taking, I want to be better NOW! (patience may be a virtue, but not really one of my strong suits!) I'll keep moving forward, even if it's inch by inch, until I get there.

JJ Marie???

Has anyone heard from her? Her last post was PTL & I'm worried that we haven't heard any more. Marie, if you still read, please let us know how you are! And if ANYONE has a way to contact her, please tell we care.

Poss TRIGS- My friend had her twin girls last night, all are doing well, but there was a bit of a scare for a bit & they came at 35wks, 4days. So, it really brought to mind how scary twin births can be!

Want a date w/my DH?

LOL! I know that sounds bad. He won free tickets (including pit entry) to the O'Re.il.ey Au.to Pa.rt.s Na.ti.on.als at the ZMax dragway for next Friday. He's super-excited about how much fun we'll have. I'm trying to convince myself that it'll be ok to go. Racing is not really my thing, but cars that can go 0-300 in 8 seconds DOES sound pretty cool. Have any of you been to one? Any advice? I'm thinking earplugs for sure.

A Plan...

Ok, I'm starting to feel better & am formulating where I want to go from here. I'm still not sleeping too well, I left a mssg w/Dr. D & have not heard back yet. However, my thinking is getting clearer.

So, currently, I'd almost say that I'm stable. With one exception- when I think about going to work, my mind literally goes dark & tries to tune out/turn off. I'm sorry if that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's the best I can describe it. I have narrowed it down to a couple of reasons- having to see my sister there & dealing with everyone asking where I've been. I can though, wrap my head around a new idea & my mind stays lit- I'm applying for a couple of new jobs. Yes, this will probably mean a couple of months w/o ins & will further delay the TTC process, but if I continue as is, I will end up back in the hosp. Even if I get PT, it will be ok. (i may start selling jewelry on the side)

Once I have the job thing taken care of, I'm going to start college. I still want to be a Physical Therapy Assistant. From what I've found, it will be anywhere from a 14-24 month course. And, it's a field that there's a need for.

I'm SOOOO thankful that everyone around me has been so patient with me through all this. Esp DH. I've been getting so frustrated with myself because I just want to be better. But depressive disorders are not like an infection that one can take an antibiotic for & feel better in a week. We're over-hauling some major brain chemicals. I've been able to laugh a little more in the last couple of days & it feels so good. I'm getting glimpses that I'll be me again.

Another big relief- DH got a new job & will be done with the one he's at as of the 17th! I'm sooo happy for that. His current boss has screwed him over more than enough. And they don't listen when he tells them he's not available. DH has missed waaay too many important religious/family things because his boss has threatened to fire him if he doesn't come in. Oh & they think nothing of working him 30hrs straight, or 60hrs/wk. Or until 2am & making him come back in at 8:30am! He should be able to stay fairly busy while setting his own sched. :)

A thought on mental/emotional disorders & I'd like to know what you think (even if you disagree w/me)- I think that there should be rule that psych meds can only be rx'd by a psych dr. It really scares me to think that I could go for so many yrs having the same script renewed w/o anyone ever checking me to see if it was still working. They should be evaluated a minimum of once/yr by a pro. I'd say more frequently when it's a new drug for the patient. Yes, it may be slightly more expensive to have to do it that way, but really? If you don't have your head, how are you supposed to function?

And last, pics of the other 2 jewelry sets-
This is the set I did for me. It's freshwater pearls & glass beads with a "gun metal" finish.

Here's a closeup of the necklace. I pre-stung the beads on the wire & crocheted it, then loosly braided the 4 finshed wires.

I love how the earrings turned out. I coiled both the inner & outer wires for the swirl effect.

Here's the set I did for older sis. (the one who's mentally handicapped) So, yes, it does look a little "young", but she LOVED it! The flowers are shells (Misty, remember I told you I could do those better than the store did?), the other beads are glass. She has a real thing for pink.-A close up of the earrings. I like how these turned out. -

Ok, that's a long enough post for today! (((HUGS))) to all y'all!

Someday...

"And maybe, someday, we'll figure all this out. Try to put an end to all our doubt. Try to find a way to make things better now, and Maybe, someday, we'll live our lives out loud. We'll be better off somehow, Someday." ~Rob Thomas

Sorry, I'm still not doing too well. I'm not feeling suicidal anymore, but I just want to sit & cry. I feel like I must be insane. I also feel like that corner by my eye is going to be permanently irritated from all the salt.

I have not been to work since last Monday. I'm going to try really hard to force myself to go tomorrow. I'm pretty sure they must hate me by now.

I have made 2 more necklace/earring sets. I did one for me & one for my older sis. I love mine. I'm sure she'll like hers, though I will admit that it's not something I'd wear. (maybe, depending on the outfit...) I'll post a pic of the soon.

I made it to & through the (religious) meeting on Sunday. With the help of an ati.van. But that's, o-k. Everyone was happy to see me, but my goodness! that can be really stressful. If you have a depressed friend who you haven't seen in a while, please refrain from swarming them with a huge smile. I'm not up to going tonight.

I can't figure out if I'm on the wrong med, or not enough of it. I'm up to 150 mg of the Zo.loft, I had been taking it 50mg/morning & 100/night. It was too stimulating & increasing nightmares, so dr changed me to all in the A.M. I tried that for a couple days, but was waking up totally "drained" & decided to change to 100/morning & 50/night so there was still some in my system upon waking up. But I'm still really not sleeping well at night. The nightmares have lessened, but I'm still dreaming vividly & waking several times during the night. And when I wake up, I'm fully awake & alert. Honestly, I'm still just feeling exhausted, but I feel like I have to push myself through it or 1) it's not going to get any better & 2) people around me will start getting annoyed that I'm not doing anything. I don't have an appt with Dr. D until the 27th, but am thinking I may need to call her before that.

And to top it all off, Spot showed up today. I hope AF just gets here instead of spot messing with my head for a few days. Ok, I'm sorry for all the whining. Thanks if you read this far.

It's an up-hill battle...

With a few backslides. At least, that's how I feel about it. My dr tells me to stop trying to race myself. I just want to feel better. I went to work on Monday & it was ok. The calls all went well enough. I had a ton of people asking where I was, but most also said they were glad to see me back. Then, Tues, I crashed.

It was my day off & I was going along pretty well, doing laundry, dishes, etc. Then little sis called. She was having a bad day, called out from work & asked if I would spend time with her. She had been telling me of suicidal thoughts on Mon night, so I agreed. I really can't do that anymore. At this time, she is totally toxic to me. And I've been trying to keep myself from totally spiralling since then. There is just so much frustration with every stupid decision she's making right now! Basically, if you're a bi-polar person who refuses to get the right help & instead tries to drown your problems in alcohol, while joking around about suicide, life is not going to go smoothly. And she'll be totally fine, then decide to contact me & try to drag me into her emotional mess. I just don't have it in me. I saw my dr yest & she calls what sis is doing "emotional blackmail". She explained that I can love my sister AND be mad at her for what she's doing. She also encouraged me to set whatever boundaries & limits I need to in order to keep myself safe. (goodness, i feel selfish saying that. but the difference is that i want help & want to get better)

So, I've ended up calling in Wed- today because the thought of going to work (and having to see her) sends me into a panic attack. I'll be looking for a new job soon. I don't even care if it pays less. The reduction of stress is worth it. It'll have to be something w/ins though. I'm concerned about a lapse in coverage, but this dr says she'll keep seeing me at whatever my co-pay is until a new ins kicks in.

Anyway, here's something I've been working on, finished it last night (it's for mom). Family says I could sell similar items.-

The whole set---

A closeup on some of the necklace beads---

A closeup of an earring----

I don't think I'd get enough from doing that to make it a job, but it's relaxing & could be a source of side money. Anyway, sorry to be a downer today. Thank you if you read through it anyway. Love ya all!