HI!

Just checking in. I really have no real news. I'll be discharged from outpatient on Fri & will be going back to work on Mon. I have to admit- I'm gonna miss group! Dr D has agreed to keep seeing me for my follow up care. I'm thrilled about that, I totally love her. I'm a little anxious about going back to work, but I'm reminding myself that I'm good at what I do & it'll be ok. Right. We are cutting back on my hours though so I can have just a little more "me time". Maybe that's selfish, but it'll be better for my mental health. I really don't look forward to everyone asking where I was. Fortunately, I'm not obligated to tell them!

My little sis was officially divorced on Monday. I did not expect that to hurt as much as it did. And she's getting married next month. Yeah. There's no talking her out of that. I'm not going. Please don't try to guilt me about that. The whole story is too long to put in here. I can sum it up with she has gone about this in all the wrong ways. I do not & can not agree with or support what she's doing. It hurts like hell that I won't be a part of her day, but it would put my mind into incongruency to go.

Anyhew, still stable on my meds. Another dose increase today, so I'm almost at full strength. Love you all & hope you have a great day!

Checking in...and puppy therapy

Hi! I'm starting to feel a little better & can tell that the new meds are helping. Dr D (btw- she's awesome! very kind, almost motherly. she's from Bulgaria & i LOVE the sound of her voice & accent) upped the dosage yesterday & I didn't feel as foggy this morning. Did I mention that I'm going to a partial in-patient now? It's been useful in learning new techniques. The goal is to integrate logic into emotion so we can make better choices in times of stress. Today we discussed w/e plans during our check in & I'm not quite sure what I'm doing this w/e, but there's a baby shower that I WON'T be going to & my progress is that I do not feel guilty about that. I told DH that it's important to do something else fun though so I'm not just sitting at home knowing that I'm not at the shower. I think we're going to see a movie, prob the new Cats and Dogs. Also, I'm going to take soem time to do my nails. The group therapist will be checking them on Mon. So what are you doing this w/e?

Now for puppy therapy. I have a friend who's dog had pups & I finally went to see them yesterday. :) The pups are almost 6wks old & into the "explore everything" stage. Here are just a couple of the pics of them, I hope they aren't too fuzzy. (i either need to upgrade my phone, or carry a real camera!)

All 5 of them-

Chewing my toes!-

Chewing a shoe. Note, the shoe belongs to a 16 month old & is still big for the puppy! -

Puppy pose close up!-

Being cute is hard work, time for a rest! -

Learning to surf....

We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf. ~Source not remembered

Hi ladies,

As you all already know, I got to the breaking point. I'm very sorry to have worried anyone. I can't really say that there was any one thing, but I've been going downhill for a little over a month. The thoughts of driving my car car off the overpass became more constant & started sounding better. I didn't really want to kill myself, I just really wanted my mind off for about a week. So I checked in.

The first day was the worst. The depression wing was full so I had to spend a day in the "Intensive Care Unit" (schizophrenics & other halluncinators). I can honestly say that I'm thankful not to belong there. Otherwise, the hardest part is the lack of privacy & having to go a whole week w/o shaving (eww!).

It turns out that I've been on the wrong medication for a long time & only about 1/2 of what's considered an effective dose. The dr changed me from Ef.fex.or to Zo.lof.t. Apparently, it's a relatively safe one to use through pg, you just have to go off for the latter part of the 3rd tri. (no, i'm not pg, just planning ahead). I'm also going to an outpatient therapy course. The new med is taking a while to be effective & my brain is still kinda fuzzy. Another plus of new med- it's $20 cheaper per month & much smaller. If anyone's curious, the official diagnosis is "Major depressive disorder with high anxiety & OCD tendencies". (i think it makes perfect sense to color code my closet & alphabetize my cds/dvds!)

Thank you to everyone who sent the texts, or even their love through someone else. :) It was appreciated more than you'll ever know. HUGE thanks to Misty for doing that for me. (((((MAJOR HUGS))))) back to all of you.

As far as TTC, we will probably still get T tested soon & may do some follow up b/w & tests on me, but we are going to hold off on any hormonal treatments until I'm stable on the new med. I'm thinking it'll be better not to overload my system.

I will be trying to read & catch up with you all over the next couple days, but right now, I'm just exhausted. I love you all & will check in soon.