Checking in

Hello all. I really have so much in my head right now & none of it is coming out in any way that makes sense, so apologies in advance.

After reading  about the crap that Nancy is getting on her blog, I went back through & saved a few of my posts as "drafts". I really wish that Blo.gg.er had a way to password protect just certain posts, but I guess that works. I know it's just paranoid thinking, I don't get nearly as many readers as she does. But still, I'm feeling kinda down lately, & people can be really hateful.

Travis made it out to MT safely. Thankfully, it sounds like his family wants to help him improve instead of turning this all around to me being evil. It's so difficult to say how I feel about him being gone. Ummm, relieved? in some ways. Very sad that it came to this. Hopeful that it'll be a good thing in the long term. Pretty much everyone where I work knows he's gone, but not details on why. My boss pulled me aside on Thurs & I expected it to be a "keep it together at work" speech. Instead, he said that we're like a big family at T.J. & we look out for each other, so to let him know if I need anything. It was really sweet. I've gotten that offer a lot actually, but I really just don't know what, if anything, I need. I've actually been kinda numb & that's ok for now.

Oh & "thank you" FB for starting to remind me that this Thurs is our anniversary. Yeah, I really needed that! Actually, mom told me the other day that (assuming he gets his crap together & we can reconcile) when he gets back, she & dad are going to throw us a 10yr anniversary party. That's pretty cool. I'm not telling him that though, because I really want him to focus on improvement & not any certain date. He has sent me some pretty nice texts, and it seems like he's starting to see the big picture, but people don't change overnight & I'm still insistant on him seeing a therapist.

Well, that's about all that will come out even semi-sensibly. I've stayed at my parents' through the w/e, but I have Mon & Tues off, so will be getting back over to the house. I miss my kitties! The kitties here are super anti-social, mine are snugglers. I'll try to update again soon. Much love to all of you!

PS- If anyone is wondering why I didn't STAY private, well, ummm, it turns out that I'm a comment whore. So, "private" kinda sucks.

Very odd dream

So, a couple nights ago, I dreamt that I looked at the saphire in my wedding ring & noticed a crack. As I tried to look closer at it, the crack spread. I was trying to keep it from totally breaking, but the stone kept cracking until it turned to dust & fell out of the setting. That is so weird. My mind does not usually go to symbolizm in my dreams. I'll flat out fight with people, or have any number of other dream experiences, but very rarely anything like that.

Anyway. His flight is next Wed. We are going to meet up tomorrow night to discuss a few details. I think that's a good thing.

Oh & here's one I totaly hadn't prepared for- Someone asked me last night where T was. It's not someone who I'm real close to, but I also know that it'll get around that he's gone, so what's the point in not saying it? I simply said that we're separated & that he'd be going to MT for an undecided amount of time. This person's first reaction was "Why? What happened? What's going on?" I was a little taken aback by that & gave a blank stare for a moment before saying that we needed a little space & time. You'd think that any normal person would then assume it's none of their business, say they're sorry (or hope it works out, whatever), then shut their yap. Yeah, or not. I got this idiotic "advice" about taking this time to improve myself in order to improve the marriage. And to focus on the good  & the reasons why we fell in love to begin with. I smiled politely, but it was code for "shut the hell up & mind your own business". I have a sinking suspicion that the person last night may just be the first of such crap.

Anyway, if you haven't already, please go to Angie's blog & give her some love. It just isn't fair.

Heartbroken

Ok, ready to talk. On Monday, I confirmed a suspicion that I've had for a couple weeks. (no, he's not cheating on me [that i know of], that would actually make this easier). I think I've mentioned that money has been tight. I watch the budget like a hawk, I don't think it'll be like this forever, but you gotta do what you gotta do. So, he told me a few weeks back that he had gotten a "tip" from a customer, $50. The next day, he told me he'd gotten another one, $80. At the time, I didn't think much of it. But I was pretty mad when he was asking me for money a couple days later. He couldn't explain where $130 had gone, except for $20 gas that I knew he'd put in the car. Well, I got to thinking more about it....Who tips that much on a carpet job? I wondered if he had just pocketed a cash job, but who wants to think of their husband as a thief? I did ask him about it & he said it was not the main bill from the job.

Last week, the "where did the money go" discussion came up again. I was doing the math on what his check was, what mine was, which bills had been paid, etc. I kept coming up $70 short. I refused to believe that he just "didn't know" where it had gone. I kept pushing. He finally snapped at me that he'd given it as a payment to someone he'd borrowed money from, (his boss) but he didn't want to tell me because I'd be mad that it wasn't spent on whatever I had planned out in my head. Ooo-Kaaay. No I wouldn't. I was mad that he would sit there for so long while I was trying to figure it out.

Over the w/e, he ticked me off just by not doing anything. I went to work both days, then went home & worked on the house. Even if it was something small, I did something. Sunday night, I ended up painting the fireplace & mantle (it looks sooo cute!) & he sat & watched tv. I was mad. He asked what I expected him to do, I mentioned that the ceiling STILL needed to be painted. He continued to sit & watch tv.

So, by Monday, I decided to call his boss & find out where we stood. I asked how much, expecting the answer to be $500- $600. Bill asked why I was asking. I told him that I'm trying to get a grip on where we stand with everything so I can do my budget. Imagine my shock when he said "All together, it's about $1300". I asked if that was before or after any payments Travis made. He said "what payments? I haven't gotten a cent from him". Really? Didn't he make a $70 cash payment last week? No. Not at all. Bill also confirmed my suspicion about the "tips". Turns out Travis hadn't so much borrowed the money, but had just taken it. He was taking the money from cash jobs, pocketing it, & still billing a comission from them. Bill had figured that I didn't know & he flat out told me that he hadn't been pushing it because he didn't want to be the one who broke my heart. (it's not him, i wouldn't even begin to blame him)

I ended up calling my MIL & laid it all on the line. I told her that I had enough money to stick him on Greyhound, or they could figure out transportation for him. She said she'd discuss it w/ FIL & get back to me. That was Mon. I haven't heard from her since. The first thing she did was call Travis. Whatever. His flight leaves next Wed, 6:30 am. I guess his parents are going to give him work when he gets there so he can pay Bill back. (i think it's for my sake, but bill isn't pressing charges) His ticket is one-way. He asked me how long I want him gone & I said I'm not sure. Until I feel like it would be a benefit to have him in my life. So, there we have it. I married a liar & a thief. But I don't have to put up with this for the rest of my life.

I've talked to the elders here & they are going to keep tabs on me (they're worried about my stress/anx level). They're going to inform the elders there of what's going on. And I'm going to write a letter to a trusted friend out there. Travis needs to be dealt with & I'll be damned if I let him & his family quietly sweep this under the rug. (there's always been someone around to clean up his mess) I'm at my parents' now & will be back in the house next wk when he's gone. I can hardly stand to look at him right now & don't want to be under the same roof, or sharing a bed. Again, thank you if you've read this far.

Going Private

Things have come to a head & I'm done. I'll be "single" by the end of the week. I'm going private to protect myself. Please leave an e-mail addy if you'd like to still read. (i think i have most of yours anyway, but didn't want to assume)  I turned on comment moderation, so your e-mail will not be published. I'm going to be ok, but gonna need some support to get through this. If you choose to stop reading though, I understand. I'll post details when I'm able. Love Ya!

Where's Sherry?

She's ok, no falling off the planet or anything crazy. She needed a break. I won't go too much into her personal details, but you've probably noticed that she's been rather down lately. Right now, she's doing what's best for her to get back on track mentally & emotionally. It's no secret to any of us who've been through it that IF takes a HUGE toll on us in many ways. She's told me that she's still on FB, but won't be reading any blogs for a while. It's not anything that any of us did & she still wishes the best for all of us. I gave her the option of e-mailing me something to post to my blog for everyone & she may do that in the future.

In other news, I called in sick to work today. I have been sick to my stomach & dizzy all day. (TMI warning!) AF has also brought "intestinal discomfort" & I'm soaking through super tampons every 2hrs. Fun times. I HATE calling in! I feel like a bum. So, between pain & hormone hell, I've mulled over the idea of sitting & crying all day. Not productive, so it's "opt #2" right now. The woman from surg scheduling called me back. We'll be waiting until Aug. to do the Lap, just to make sure ins doesn't reject it as "pre-x". What's 3 more months of pain, right?

Ok, I'm gonna make some tea & do some crochet now. I hope you're all having a good day!