Hello & welcome to November!

Ok, I SUCK for keeping in touch. Anyway, I figured it was time to catch up w/y'all. :)

I'm doing overall really well. I still have a few times where I feel kinda sad, but it's turning into only being a couple minutes/hours instead of all day or a few days.

I love being an aunt! I got to be at the hosp for the entire delivery & it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. She's a great baby & my sis has taken really well to being a mom. I'm trying to pace myself so I don't spoil her too much, lol! My sis & I have gotten into a couple disagreements about how natural to go on health care (she actually called me an anti drug hippie), but mostly we've agreed to disagree on a few points & know that we'd both only do what we feel is best for Aria. Now I gotta meet my nephew Connor!

Work is going well. It was a little rocky with all the changes, but it's becoming normal. We've got waaay too many new people & most of them are driving me nuts, but this job has a way of weeding out low quality employees. With a little patience, I'll get through it & be there long after they're gone. It's still the best place I've ever worked & I plan to be a lifer. There are 2 new stores opening in the area w/i the next yr; I don't want to transfer to either of them, but I'm trying to talk them into letting me go for the openings. I love the energy & excitement of an opening. Kinda the same way that I've always loved working home shows.

Ok, I've saved the most awesome new aspect for last.- I met someone! Those on FB probably already saw that. I've dated a few guys over the summer & they all had good qualities, but not anyone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Then I met Cory. I'd had an account on an online dating site & was texting a couple different guys. I'd made plans to see a movie w/one of them, then didn't hear from him for a day & a half. (i do not like being stood up!) Cory had also asked if I was doing anything that night & I told him that it looked like my movie plans had fallen through. He offered to go see whatever movie it was with me. I figured "why not", thinking it would at least be something to do that night. I had no idea what I was in for. It's difficult to describe.... Have you ever just felt an instant connection to someone? We talked so easily, like we'd known each other since preschool. I've never really believed in "love at first sight", but I gotta admit that I get it now. After the movie, we ended up sitting & talking for about 3hrs straight. When I finally realized the time, I said I had to go & we kissed goodnight. There was a definite spark. I spent the next few days trying to convince myself that it was all in my head & was just a really good first date. But then the following dates were equally awesome & natural. So when he told me that he'd felt the same thing & asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. I was a little afraid of moving too fast, or of it being too good to be true. But you know what scared me more? The thought of not telling him how I felt & him thinking I wasn't interested. It's been so long since I've felt this happy. Not to sound stuck up, but he's crazy about me & it's nice. People at work have been telling me that I'm glowing & my close friends have commented that it's refreshing to see me this happy. We've agreed not to move forward until my divorce is final. He's being incredibly patient about that. But I don't like having my life on hold forever, so I've asked Travis to go ahead & file. Hopefully that'll speed things up, even if it's only by a few months.

Ok, I'm going to get on with the other things I gotta get done today. TTY soon! :)

Still on the planet!

 Wow, I can't believe that Aug is nearly over & I've got less than 5 posts this yr. Sorry. I'm not cutting anyone out of my life, I'm just looking for a new normal.

 Things are going good. In some ways this yr is flying by & in others I want time to speed up. I'm 1/3 of the way to being able to file the divorce. I really hate that law, it's a time suck. I could kick myself sometimes for taking him back last Sept. If I hadn't, we'd have been seperated a yr in May & the divorce would be official & done about now. Sigh. At least I know I gave it every chance. So I can live with that. I'm getting anxious to change my last name & establish my own identity. Actually, I've been thinking about that & wouldn't mind some input on it. I know I'll always be a K-, but I'm not sure if going back to that is right. Because the marriage did happen. I spent over a decade being an O-. I know I don't want to be associated with that name or family any more, but have been debating coming up with something different for my last name. What do you think? Am I over thinking it?

 Work is going well. We've had a lot of change in the past couple months. Our captain took a position back in WI & one of the mates moved too. So they promoted the guy who started as first mate to captain & 2 of the people who started at the same time I did have been promoted to mates. If that wasn't enough change, they also swiched around all the orders. Now I'm doing snacks & beverages. I felt a little overwhelmed by it the first couple days because I was still doing/training someone new for my old section. Yesterday I got to do just my stuff though & it went well.

 Ok, I've lost my train of thought too many times now. So I guess this is just a quick update today. Hope you're all doing well! :)

Carry On, Carry On

Sorry, not sure what's up w/all the song title posts. I figured it was about time to give you all an update though.

I'm doing pretty well actually. I've actually had 2 different people this wk tell me that I have a "glow". Amazing what a smile can do. Or maybe it's the self tanner... I've also lost another 10ish lbs, so I'm *officially* down 50 since starting this job. (down 90 from my heaviest!) I'll post some new pics soon. I'm getting together w/a friend @ work soon. She's awesome, we clicked right away, but she's also an IFer, about 16 yrs older than me, similar personalities & likes, & offered to have me out to her house to do my makeup & a photo shoot. :)   I'm excited about it, the soonest day we could get off together is JULY though, so a couple more wks.

It's been...interesting. I'm just trying to reclaim who I am & what I want out of life. I was talking to someone I work with whose main goal in life is to buy a yacht. It got me thinking about what my goal is. I finally remembered- I want to matter. I want to be someone who makes a difference in the lives of those around me. I know I'll never cure cancer, or end ethnic wars in Africa, but I want to be someone who people feel good about knowing. I'm by nature a kind & caring person. Dad used to call me his "sunshine girl" when I was younger. And, w/o having a clue about that, my boss often calls me "Sunshine". I get referred to as "sweetie" & "honey" by a lot of people I don't even know (& often while wearing a name tag). I also want to be independant & able to take care of myself. IF there's ever another guy in my life, it'll be because he deserves to be there, not because I'm a nice person & feel the need to take care of him.

Which is where my conflict usually comes in. I was conditioned for so long that I didn't deserve any better, I almost started to believe it. I'm trying to change my thinking about that. I have a lot to offer. Any guy who wants to be that happy should be willing to go out of their way for me too. (my boss said that, great guy) Dad also keeps reminding me that there are guys out there who would deserve my trust. So, I'm training my mind to seperate the idea of "what Travis did" from "all men do...". I do hate sleeping alone, so nights are usually when I feel the most lonely. I'm trying SO hard to stay logical about it all though & remember that there are worse things than falling asleep to an Agatha Christie novel & good things come to those who are patient.

Anyway, for any who aren't on FB, I'm expecting a niece in a couple months. I can't wait to spoil her! Sis & I have already been working on crocheting toys for Aria, since sis is going to try to raise her w/o all the "corporate crap". (i smile, nod & will refrain from any 'i told you so's' in the future)

I'll try to get caught up w/all y'alls blogs soon. I have Wed & Thurs off this wk (2 days together!). I think about you all a lot, so about time I get back to letting you know!    (((GROUP HUG)))

Time to say goodbye...

...To turning tables.

Does anyone else totally love that song? The sad part is how well it describes my life right now. As hopeful as I was for a turning place in my marriage, for a chance at a trusting relationship...it didn't happen. What did happen was he kept lying to me. Only this time I was wise to it & kept calling him out on it. The final straw was when he couldn't even be straight with me about scheduling an appt with a marriage therapist. So I stated that I can't put up with this crap for the rest of my life. He stated that I'm just too demanding & want too much out of life that he can't provide. He also said that I "set him up for failure, so it's not worth the effort to try". So that's that.

He took off for MT on the first flight he could get out. My parents made me a really awesome offer of staying with them, so I don't have to be in the house alone. I'm so pissed about the house. I just spent 1.5 yrs working on the remodel! It's so close to being done & I'm not going to get to enjoy my work. I also got stuck with cleaning out all our stuff. For the record, I did not kick him out. He could've stayed an extra wk or whatever to pack up his stuff. I've found some ~really~ fun paperwork...including the 2009 taxes that were sent back to us because he never signed them. I'm hoping I'll be able to even fix the taxes stuff w/o getting a lawyer involved. (lesson to self- no matter where life takes me, i will from here out file my own taxes seperately!). I've nearly got all the other stuff packed up. A lot of crap went to Go.od.wi.ll. The rest is either being stored, or moving to my parents' house w/me.

I'll be seeing Dr D next Thurs. It was the soonest I could get in. I'll be having her help me so I can ever trust anyone again. And making sure that I'm strong enough in myself to never fall for this crap again. Everyone at work has already been awesome. I've felt a little scatter-brained lately (just having to deal w/everything), so I asked my boss last week to let me know if my work was suffering at all. He said "Are you kidding me? You're strong as an ox! I don't know how you're doing this." So that's good.

As far as what I'll be doing from here, there are a few ideas. I've started to figure out the cost of what a condo around here would be. I think it's doable if I can save up a down payment. Also, I still don't plan on staying childless. I think single women can adopt & once I get my finances in order, I'll go ahead with that. I'll prob be at mom & dad's for at least a yr though.

In other news, I'm sorry to say that we lost my baby girl, Skittles, back in March. She was only 11. The vet said it was a blood clot that travelled to her lungs. It was quick & there was nothing I could've done. (i cried for 5 days straight) She'd buried in the back yard at the house & as hard as it is for me to leave her there, it's a beautiful spot, she would've loved it. The boys were a little "lost" for a couple wks w/o her being in charge, but they seem to be doing ok now.

Also- TRIGS- I'm going to be an aunt. My little sis is due in Oct. So far, she's having a totally miserable pg. She has hyper-emesis & is still throwing up every time she eats. She's lost 23lbs with this! But we're finding out the sex on Tues. I'll prob post that on FB, just a heads up. (speaking of FB, if you know me on there, check out the number i did on my hand, yeeesh!)

And, wonders never cease, remember the girl @ work who I was complaining about a few posts back? I'm actually babysitting for her tomorrow. I guess we all sometimes find ourselves in situations that we didn't really plan for & a little compassion can go a long way. And, prob even more shocking, she didn't ask, I volunteered.

Anyway, this is a blog, not the next great American novel, so I'll end here. I'm gonna do my best to keep in touch better. :)

Tap, Tap, is this thing still on?

Hi All,

So, we've been back from MT for 2wks now. It's...going. Better than it was, but not all the way to where I want to be. We're better about talking things out. But he still needs improvement in the "initiative to get off your butt & do something" department. Mostly around the house. His job has been going well.

The trip to MT was pretty fun. I miss the fam, but also got a decent reminder of why living around them made me nuts. My neices (7 & almost 5) are sooo mouthy! I wanted to slap them w/i an hr of being there. To anyone w/toddlers- it may be funny when they're 2-3 & don't really know what they're saying, but curb it! It's just plain aggrevating as they age. Oh & don't make "deals" with your kids. No, eating your dinner is not worth a $1, so sit down & eat your potatos! And (TRIGS) have I mentioned that she's due again in March? So freaking not fair. But I was good, I put on a happy face & got through it.

There are still a few blogs that I can't comment on as me. The message keeps telling me that I don't have permission (as my gmail account). If anyone has found a way around that problem, could you let me know?

I also don't think I told you the official info from my post-lap dr visit. This is the fun part. My uterus is enlarged, so he believes that I have fibroids growing w/i the wall (is that a muscle or tissue?) of it. Getting them out would be very invasive, so we will just have to deal with them being there, unless they surface. He did give me a new thought/perspective on the pcos thing though. Basically, pcos is a symptom of IR, not the other way around. So, if I can do more to control the IR better, the pcos symptoms should lessen. Hmmm. He also said that where we should go from here is to test on CD21, then figure out meds. He'd like to see me back on Met (ugh). Has anyone heard of/tried this for pcos? I got a newsletter stating that it may be more useful than met w/o the s/e.

I should get going to do something more useful than being online. It's a rainy day & I find them difficult to function in. I will leave you with a pic of my new piercing. It's technical name is a Tragus. It hurt like you wouldn't believe, but I've wanted one there since I was 16, so it was about time! See the cool green gem? :) (btw, ever try taking a pic of your own ear? not as easy as you'd think!)