A couple photos

Believe it or not, I'm still alive! Sorry about the lack of posting; remodeling is a big job. The worst part of it was the roof. IDK who ever "fixed" the stupid thing, but they shouldn't have. So, long story really short, we ended up scraping off a few layers until we got to bare wood & redid it the right way. There shouldn't be anymore water in the house when it rains now. In the process, we also discovered that the exterier walls were never insulated. I've heard that wasn't too unusual around here back then, but it needs to be fixed too. This wk's goal is to tear off all the sheetrock from the exterier walls & put up insulation. It's fun to tear off walls until you have to do clean up. I almost know the people at the dump by name. Anyway, I will do pics of that soon, but it's not today's pics.

Today's pics are of one of my fav hobbies- Crochet! This is the bear I did for the baby shower cake. (poss triggy) The baby was due by the end of Oct, so the shower was Nov 13. Yeah, so they ended up going in on the 11th to be induced & she finally made her appearence a little after 7 on the 13th. SO, for reasons I don't quite get, they still had the shower w/o mom & baby. Mom made the cake for that shower, but we didn't want to put the topper on it since she wasn't there. We made a smaller cake to take to them when she got home. These are pics of that cake. (BTW, the baby was 10lbs & is so cute & has the biggest cheeks! and she was her parents' 4th try; they had 3 m/c before her.)


Please ignore the messy countertop, I didn't think to clear it away before taking the pic.

This is a closeup. The diaper can actually come off & T really wanted me to stick a wad of dark brown yarn in it as a "surprise" if they ever take it off. I thought it would be funny, but didn't do it. I'm looking forward to making a few of the other animals now.

In other, totally random news, ever have one of those C's where you just know it was a no-go? I've been spoting off & on since around O time & I've had cramps since Friday. I coulda swarn AF was going to start on Sunday, but really! I'm only on CD26 today! Grrrrr! Oh & I've been lactating a little for about 6wks now. I wish my body would get it's act together.

As many of you already know, I turned 30 last wk. I'm taking it better than I thought I would. Or maybe I'm just too busy to process it. This is soooo not what I had in mind when we very naively started TTC 5yrs ago. I seriously thought I'd be chasing a toddler with a baby on my hip. Sigh. I guess not. Anyway, that's a downer.

I gotta get going. I'll be a better blogger & leave comments soon. I have been READING all y'all though! :)

I'm so happy I'm down!

So, going from sitting on one's butt all day at a call center to never sitting down all day at a grocery store is a GREAT work out! I've lost 10 lbs & nearly 9 INCHES! WoooHoooo! 2" were just from my belly. Not to say that I'm at the final goal, but really, getting to that in 6wks is just awesome & a great mood boost.

Also good at work- Yesterday I met someone who's a nurse & goes to a dr who specializes in PCOS. She was telling me that they had to remove an ovary due to 3 massive cysts on it (the cysts were bigger than the ovary!). After the surgery, they wrote out a bunch of scripts for her. She said it was ennough to keep a 75yr old woman going. She decided that she didn't want to be stuck on all of them & started doing research. She ended up modifying her entire diet & found this dr. He runs tests that the others don't (saliva instead of b/w?) & treats only with bioidentical hormones. I got his name & number. The ins should be approx another month, I'll be checking into him. Have I mentioned that I haven't taken Met for about 4wks now? And I've been fine with it? Anyway, I'm starting to get excited about TTC again. It's not like we've prevented on this break, I just also haven't really tried.

Other news- Still plugging away at the house. It's starting to look a lot different. :) We're planning next w/e as a "get stuff done" marathon. It's not that I don't want to post pics, but I am also spending my "spare time" (what a joke!) packing. Speaking of pics, I crocheted a "baby bear" as a cake topper for a shower cake my mom made. It turned out really cute & I've been wanting to post a pic of it. Would that be too triggery? Or can I show it off?

I have to get going over to the house now, that bathroom isn't going to rip itself out! TTY later! :)

Feeling better

Thanks for the support, I really do appreciate it. I took my day & moped around, then told myself it was enough of it & got back to life.

I'm getting a little less worried about work. They told us from the start that we wouldn't all work out there & there may be some crew changes by the end of the yr. So they've started weeding out people (& some have quit). But, I'm still being scheduled for the full amount of hrs & get mostly register (which is good). I'm also still getting chosen for things like helm, that's walking around greeting customers & helping them find things. You don't ask to do it, they ask you. (kinda like the AMX black card)

My stupid cold is almost gone & AF left. So DH no longer considered me the prickly harbinger of death. Sex is good for the mood. Sorry, TMI.

Ok, I've really got nothing new. I'll try to get a pic post of the house soon. :)

Depressed today (poss trigs)

That dream I mentioned on the last post stuck with me all day yest & still today. How is it possible to feel such a sense of loss from something that wasn't real? I have a very large sense of sadness. The cramps aren't really helping either. I ended up calling in to work, something I did NOT want to do so soon, but I'm just not "on" today. I think it's time to see Dr D again soon. (yes, i'm taking my meds, but i need to talk it out)

I've narrowed a lot of it down to "30's coming". In 21 days, I will hit the age that I wanted to be done having children at. I'm not saying this as a blanket statement for everyone, & I don't want to hear that "30 isn't that bad, you're still young". It was my goal & I didn't reach it. So that will be 5yrs that we've been TTC. 5 YEARS. Over 1/2 our marriage. 1/6 of my life. 60 months. 60 times of thinking "maybe this is it" & having it not be. And too many times to count of having to be "happy" for other friends as they effortlessly get what I want so badly.

I know I should "count my blessings" & "be happy for what I have", but I really just feel like having myself a little pity-party right now. I fill my life with so many other things. Hoping the pain will quiet as I get more immersed in each project. But when I get some time alone with my thoughts, all I hear is my heart yelling about what's not there. And I want to stomp my foot hard enough to shake the earth & scream "It's not fair" loud enough to be heard around the globe. I feel like maybe if I did, the other women who know the pain would yell just as loud "no, it's not!". Then maybe people would hear us & take notice & be aware of the many ways they hurt us.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you did. Stupid hormones, I've worked myself into a good cry now, so hopefully that'll help.

How can a DREAM be so painful?

This may be triggery, though it's not real. I had the best dream in the wee hrs this morning. I found out that I was pg & it was very detailed. I was 10wks, saw a beta number, & even an u/s, I could so vividly see it & even the hb. It was great, I was so excited, so happy. Then I woke up to AF. That sucks out loud! Where is the fairness in that?!?!? The only good thing I can say is that it was 28days. So, my Cs have been really regular since Aug. Good, right? Unfortunately, I lactated again this month. PLEASE may that not be a new PMS sign! I had to go to CVS (I lost my cold sore medicine) & ended up also buying Raisenettes dark, Reeses dark, & a Dark Symphony bar. Gotta love chocolate, so comforting about the STILL not pg issue.

Ok, I'm really in a much more down mood than I thought. Typing is making me realize it. A friend told me on Sun that she's pg. She's about 8wks now, they broke up almost 7wks ago. WHY does fertility "bless" the un-wed? It's just not fair!!!! I am being supportive though, so I met up with her & her sis for lunch & gave her some vits that I picked up for her last night. As much as I hate IF, I'd never wish an unplanned on anyone either. It still tugs at my heart to think about it though. I'd be delighted to go in for back pain & find out it's pg. Alright, I gotta stop before I start crying.

Ok, good stuff- we got the kitchen of the new place gutted out. The place looks a little scary right now, but it will all be worth it soon. I tooka few "before" pics, I'll post them soon. I can't wait to get out of that stupid apt. I'll try to catch up with all your blogs soon. My parents are out of time & I agreed to spend some time with older sis.