I did

  I'm officially divorced now. It's...odd. There's a lot that no one ever really tells you about getting divorced. Even when it's the right thing to do, there are still mixed feelings. I'd be lying if I said I don't feel any regret over this. Not over getting divorced, but that it turned out this way. Thanks to the great state of SC making me wait a yr before I could file, I had plenty of time to think about it. It was far from a rash decision & I feel it was the best one for me, for my mental & emotional well-being. Even right down to the court date though, the process is designed to make you question what you're doing. The judge questioning me was nerve-wracking; if I got the answer wrong, would I flunk out of class? T did not show up for it. I think that's the final break of any shred of respect I may have had for him. For him to just sit back & let me go through any of the difficult points of this just speaks a lot for what our relationship was.

  But, I've done it. I did & I'm stronger for it. A friend pointed out a couple wks ago that he's proud of me because I have fought for & earned everything I have in my life right now. My freedom, strength, courage, success, & happiness are all mine because I wanted them & I made it happen. He was right. I'll point out that I had great support though. And, I certainly learned who my real friends are. Many of the people I referred to as friends just a couple short yrs ago dropped me when things got rough. There are very few from the congregation I went to who will still say hello when they see me (i stopped going to meetings. i couldn't reconcile being told that i was wrong for not putting up with t's crap anymore & i can't be a part of a religion that will allow him to treat me the way he did, yet still be in good standing). I've actually had my faith & spirituality shaken right to it's very core. This has also cost me a lot financially. I've learned to cut losses & rely on my (sometimes rather strict) budgeting skills.

 What I've gained, though, trumps all of that. After everything, I consider myself ahead. I'll leave you with a picture that I saw the other day. It just made sense to me. I cut the rope, now the sky's the limit.

Therapy works

I was going to post this about a wk ago, just because I was amazed by how well I got through the 12th, aka: Mother's Day & what would've been my 12th anniversary. The wk got crazy though, so now I'll tell you how well I got through the whole wk.

I'll start by saying that about a month ago, Dr D reduced my Zoloft from 150mg/day to 100mg/day. With her direction, I've added in Sam E & another multi-vit formulated for mental health. I have a great support network that I let know about it & gave myself permission to go easier on myself if needed. With the exception of a couple days, it's going pretty well (those days came after it rained for 5 days straight, i was a zombie!!!).

So, fast forward to the 12th. I worked that day & didn't even need extra meds. I saw plenty of families & wished a lot of "Happy Mother's Day". I had gone shopping with my niece the day before (she's a blast, 7 months old & the kid loves the mall) & put together cards/gifts for my mom & sis. While at work, I had fun chatting w/kids about what they did for their moms & helped a few of them with flowers & other gifts. It crossed my mind a couple times how old my babies would be & what they may have gotten me. And it crossed my mind what we might have been doing for our anniversary But I didn't go to pieces, or dwell on it. They were only thoughts. I was able to say "ok, that happened, but right now I'm at work & have a job to do". It was nice to not be controlled by the past.

The week got a little crazier from there. Travis came to town to visit his friend & go to the race in Charlotte. April marked the date of us being separated for a yr & I hadn't filed yet because he'd told me that he had (still can't tell me the truth!). I've found a few surprises in going through paperwork & bills since he's been gone; I've gotten it mostly sorted out & needed to go over a few things with him as to who's paying what. In talking on the phone, I found out that he'd decided not to have a lawyer & that he hadn't actually filed for divorce, so we agreed that we could talk it over & be civil about getting this done.

We met up on Wed & it was...interesting. It was perfectly friendly, there were even a few times that we were laughing & joking. I could remember why we were friends, why I'd enjoyed hanging out with him. But that was all, I can look at him & see a good guy, but not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. He asked if I hate him or if I only remember the bad. No to both. I hate what he did to me, I hate what our marriage became, but I don't hate him. I told him that somewhere in the last year, I'd come to peace with the fact that there are good memories. I gave myself permission to have them w/o them affecting the final outcome of this. And, despite it all, I don't bad-mouth him or run him down.

On Friday, I filed the divorce.. The woman at the courthouse was so matter-of-fact about it. I'm sure it's every day business for her, but it was awkward. Travis left town last night. He came by work on his way out so I could serve him the papers & get his signature on a couple things. After we did the paperwork, I gave him a hug, told him to take care & have a safe trip back. He left, I went back in to work, took a couple of deep cleansing breaths, & finished my night.

I dunno 'bout anyone else, but I'm pretty proud of myself. There was a time that any of the above would've sent me into a total panic attack & running for Ativan, but I did it. I got through it. (i'll admit that during the course of last wk, i broke out in hives, had 3 eczema breakouts, a fever blister, digestive issues, a stress-induced migraine, & a minor flip-out on my bf, but got over it all) All in all, I am so much stronger than I ever knew I was capable of.

Live & Learn

  I'm not sure that anyone still reads this, but if anyone does, I figured I'd put in an explaination. Anyone who's friends w/me on FB probably saw the change in my relationship status. So, what happened? Well, my dr would probably call it an emotionally stable breakthrough. :)  Cory is a great guy, but he withdrew & became very introverted to the point of ignoring me. I respect him & his need for space, but I need more than that out of a relationship. One or both of us would've had to change too much about ourselves to make it work. That's not fair to anyone. We parted & wished each other the best. It stung, but it'll be for the best.

  I gave myself a couple weeks to sort it through in my head, then decided to reactivate my online account. I've met a couple of nice people & the biggest thing I'm trying to remember now is to not get into anything too fast. I also give myself frequent reminders that I am a complete person on my own, regardless of relationship status. (being bombarded by Valentine's Day crap all wk did NOT help though!)

  On a totally cool front, the last time I talked to Dr D, she mentioned that we're going to start reducing my meds in the Spring. The goal is to be off them completely, or at least on the lowest dose possible. :)
Anyway, I still think about you all a lot, I hope everyone is doing well.

Hello & welcome to November!

Ok, I SUCK for keeping in touch. Anyway, I figured it was time to catch up w/y'all. :)

I'm doing overall really well. I still have a few times where I feel kinda sad, but it's turning into only being a couple minutes/hours instead of all day or a few days.

I love being an aunt! I got to be at the hosp for the entire delivery & it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. She's a great baby & my sis has taken really well to being a mom. I'm trying to pace myself so I don't spoil her too much, lol! My sis & I have gotten into a couple disagreements about how natural to go on health care (she actually called me an anti drug hippie), but mostly we've agreed to disagree on a few points & know that we'd both only do what we feel is best for Aria. Now I gotta meet my nephew Connor!

Work is going well. It was a little rocky with all the changes, but it's becoming normal. We've got waaay too many new people & most of them are driving me nuts, but this job has a way of weeding out low quality employees. With a little patience, I'll get through it & be there long after they're gone. It's still the best place I've ever worked & I plan to be a lifer. There are 2 new stores opening in the area w/i the next yr; I don't want to transfer to either of them, but I'm trying to talk them into letting me go for the openings. I love the energy & excitement of an opening. Kinda the same way that I've always loved working home shows.

Ok, I've saved the most awesome new aspect for last.- I met someone! Those on FB probably already saw that. I've dated a few guys over the summer & they all had good qualities, but not anyone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Then I met Cory. I'd had an account on an online dating site & was texting a couple different guys. I'd made plans to see a movie w/one of them, then didn't hear from him for a day & a half. (i do not like being stood up!) Cory had also asked if I was doing anything that night & I told him that it looked like my movie plans had fallen through. He offered to go see whatever movie it was with me. I figured "why not", thinking it would at least be something to do that night. I had no idea what I was in for. It's difficult to describe.... Have you ever just felt an instant connection to someone? We talked so easily, like we'd known each other since preschool. I've never really believed in "love at first sight", but I gotta admit that I get it now. After the movie, we ended up sitting & talking for about 3hrs straight. When I finally realized the time, I said I had to go & we kissed goodnight. There was a definite spark. I spent the next few days trying to convince myself that it was all in my head & was just a really good first date. But then the following dates were equally awesome & natural. So when he told me that he'd felt the same thing & asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. I was a little afraid of moving too fast, or of it being too good to be true. But you know what scared me more? The thought of not telling him how I felt & him thinking I wasn't interested. It's been so long since I've felt this happy. Not to sound stuck up, but he's crazy about me & it's nice. People at work have been telling me that I'm glowing & my close friends have commented that it's refreshing to see me this happy. We've agreed not to move forward until my divorce is final. He's being incredibly patient about that. But I don't like having my life on hold forever, so I've asked Travis to go ahead & file. Hopefully that'll speed things up, even if it's only by a few months.

Ok, I'm going to get on with the other things I gotta get done today. TTY soon! :)

Still on the planet!

 Wow, I can't believe that Aug is nearly over & I've got less than 5 posts this yr. Sorry. I'm not cutting anyone out of my life, I'm just looking for a new normal.

 Things are going good. In some ways this yr is flying by & in others I want time to speed up. I'm 1/3 of the way to being able to file the divorce. I really hate that law, it's a time suck. I could kick myself sometimes for taking him back last Sept. If I hadn't, we'd have been seperated a yr in May & the divorce would be official & done about now. Sigh. At least I know I gave it every chance. So I can live with that. I'm getting anxious to change my last name & establish my own identity. Actually, I've been thinking about that & wouldn't mind some input on it. I know I'll always be a K-, but I'm not sure if going back to that is right. Because the marriage did happen. I spent over a decade being an O-. I know I don't want to be associated with that name or family any more, but have been debating coming up with something different for my last name. What do you think? Am I over thinking it?

 Work is going well. We've had a lot of change in the past couple months. Our captain took a position back in WI & one of the mates moved too. So they promoted the guy who started as first mate to captain & 2 of the people who started at the same time I did have been promoted to mates. If that wasn't enough change, they also swiched around all the orders. Now I'm doing snacks & beverages. I felt a little overwhelmed by it the first couple days because I was still doing/training someone new for my old section. Yesterday I got to do just my stuff though & it went well.

 Ok, I've lost my train of thought too many times now. So I guess this is just a quick update today. Hope you're all doing well! :)

Carry On, Carry On

Sorry, not sure what's up w/all the song title posts. I figured it was about time to give you all an update though.

I'm doing pretty well actually. I've actually had 2 different people this wk tell me that I have a "glow". Amazing what a smile can do. Or maybe it's the self tanner... I've also lost another 10ish lbs, so I'm *officially* down 50 since starting this job. (down 90 from my heaviest!) I'll post some new pics soon. I'm getting together w/a friend @ work soon. She's awesome, we clicked right away, but she's also an IFer, about 16 yrs older than me, similar personalities & likes, & offered to have me out to her house to do my makeup & a photo shoot. :)   I'm excited about it, the soonest day we could get off together is JULY though, so a couple more wks.

It's been...interesting. I'm just trying to reclaim who I am & what I want out of life. I was talking to someone I work with whose main goal in life is to buy a yacht. It got me thinking about what my goal is. I finally remembered- I want to matter. I want to be someone who makes a difference in the lives of those around me. I know I'll never cure cancer, or end ethnic wars in Africa, but I want to be someone who people feel good about knowing. I'm by nature a kind & caring person. Dad used to call me his "sunshine girl" when I was younger. And, w/o having a clue about that, my boss often calls me "Sunshine". I get referred to as "sweetie" & "honey" by a lot of people I don't even know (& often while wearing a name tag). I also want to be independant & able to take care of myself. IF there's ever another guy in my life, it'll be because he deserves to be there, not because I'm a nice person & feel the need to take care of him.

Which is where my conflict usually comes in. I was conditioned for so long that I didn't deserve any better, I almost started to believe it. I'm trying to change my thinking about that. I have a lot to offer. Any guy who wants to be that happy should be willing to go out of their way for me too. (my boss said that, great guy) Dad also keeps reminding me that there are guys out there who would deserve my trust. So, I'm training my mind to seperate the idea of "what Travis did" from "all men do...". I do hate sleeping alone, so nights are usually when I feel the most lonely. I'm trying SO hard to stay logical about it all though & remember that there are worse things than falling asleep to an Agatha Christie novel & good things come to those who are patient.

Anyway, for any who aren't on FB, I'm expecting a niece in a couple months. I can't wait to spoil her! Sis & I have already been working on crocheting toys for Aria, since sis is going to try to raise her w/o all the "corporate crap". (i smile, nod & will refrain from any 'i told you so's' in the future)

I'll try to get caught up w/all y'alls blogs soon. I have Wed & Thurs off this wk (2 days together!). I think about you all a lot, so about time I get back to letting you know!    (((GROUP HUG)))

Time to say goodbye...

...To turning tables.

Does anyone else totally love that song? The sad part is how well it describes my life right now. As hopeful as I was for a turning place in my marriage, for a chance at a trusting relationship...it didn't happen. What did happen was he kept lying to me. Only this time I was wise to it & kept calling him out on it. The final straw was when he couldn't even be straight with me about scheduling an appt with a marriage therapist. So I stated that I can't put up with this crap for the rest of my life. He stated that I'm just too demanding & want too much out of life that he can't provide. He also said that I "set him up for failure, so it's not worth the effort to try". So that's that.

He took off for MT on the first flight he could get out. My parents made me a really awesome offer of staying with them, so I don't have to be in the house alone. I'm so pissed about the house. I just spent 1.5 yrs working on the remodel! It's so close to being done & I'm not going to get to enjoy my work. I also got stuck with cleaning out all our stuff. For the record, I did not kick him out. He could've stayed an extra wk or whatever to pack up his stuff. I've found some ~really~ fun paperwork...including the 2009 taxes that were sent back to us because he never signed them. I'm hoping I'll be able to even fix the taxes stuff w/o getting a lawyer involved. (lesson to self- no matter where life takes me, i will from here out file my own taxes seperately!). I've nearly got all the other stuff packed up. A lot of crap went to Go.od.wi.ll. The rest is either being stored, or moving to my parents' house w/me.

I'll be seeing Dr D next Thurs. It was the soonest I could get in. I'll be having her help me so I can ever trust anyone again. And making sure that I'm strong enough in myself to never fall for this crap again. Everyone at work has already been awesome. I've felt a little scatter-brained lately (just having to deal w/everything), so I asked my boss last week to let me know if my work was suffering at all. He said "Are you kidding me? You're strong as an ox! I don't know how you're doing this." So that's good.

As far as what I'll be doing from here, there are a few ideas. I've started to figure out the cost of what a condo around here would be. I think it's doable if I can save up a down payment. Also, I still don't plan on staying childless. I think single women can adopt & once I get my finances in order, I'll go ahead with that. I'll prob be at mom & dad's for at least a yr though.

In other news, I'm sorry to say that we lost my baby girl, Skittles, back in March. She was only 11. The vet said it was a blood clot that travelled to her lungs. It was quick & there was nothing I could've done. (i cried for 5 days straight) She'd buried in the back yard at the house & as hard as it is for me to leave her there, it's a beautiful spot, she would've loved it. The boys were a little "lost" for a couple wks w/o her being in charge, but they seem to be doing ok now.

Also- TRIGS- I'm going to be an aunt. My little sis is due in Oct. So far, she's having a totally miserable pg. She has hyper-emesis & is still throwing up every time she eats. She's lost 23lbs with this! But we're finding out the sex on Tues. I'll prob post that on FB, just a heads up. (speaking of FB, if you know me on there, check out the number i did on my hand, yeeesh!)

And, wonders never cease, remember the girl @ work who I was complaining about a few posts back? I'm actually babysitting for her tomorrow. I guess we all sometimes find ourselves in situations that we didn't really plan for & a little compassion can go a long way. And, prob even more shocking, she didn't ask, I volunteered.

Anyway, this is a blog, not the next great American novel, so I'll end here. I'm gonna do my best to keep in touch better. :)

Tap, Tap, is this thing still on?

Hi All,

So, we've been back from MT for 2wks now. It's...going. Better than it was, but not all the way to where I want to be. We're better about talking things out. But he still needs improvement in the "initiative to get off your butt & do something" department. Mostly around the house. His job has been going well.

The trip to MT was pretty fun. I miss the fam, but also got a decent reminder of why living around them made me nuts. My neices (7 & almost 5) are sooo mouthy! I wanted to slap them w/i an hr of being there. To anyone w/toddlers- it may be funny when they're 2-3 & don't really know what they're saying, but curb it! It's just plain aggrevating as they age. Oh & don't make "deals" with your kids. No, eating your dinner is not worth a $1, so sit down & eat your potatos! And (TRIGS) have I mentioned that she's due again in March? So freaking not fair. But I was good, I put on a happy face & got through it.

There are still a few blogs that I can't comment on as me. The message keeps telling me that I don't have permission (as my gmail account). If anyone has found a way around that problem, could you let me know?

I also don't think I told you the official info from my post-lap dr visit. This is the fun part. My uterus is enlarged, so he believes that I have fibroids growing w/i the wall (is that a muscle or tissue?) of it. Getting them out would be very invasive, so we will just have to deal with them being there, unless they surface. He did give me a new thought/perspective on the pcos thing though. Basically, pcos is a symptom of IR, not the other way around. So, if I can do more to control the IR better, the pcos symptoms should lessen. Hmmm. He also said that where we should go from here is to test on CD21, then figure out meds. He'd like to see me back on Met (ugh). Has anyone heard of/tried this for pcos? I got a newsletter stating that it may be more useful than met w/o the s/e.

I should get going to do something more useful than being online. It's a rainy day & I find them difficult to function in. I will leave you with a pic of my new piercing. It's technical name is a Tragus. It hurt like you wouldn't believe, but I've wanted one there since I was 16, so it was about time! See the cool green gem? :) (btw, ever try taking a pic of your own ear? not as easy as you'd think!)

Sucker Punched

Ok, I've never really been punched, but I imagine that this is about what it would feel like. Overall, I'm healing quite well, with just the occasional twinge when I overdo it. I even mostly stopped taking the pain meds (i'm only taking one at bedtime). I can't figure out why they give people so dang many. Really, this is how people get hooked on this crap. It's a fair bet to say that there are idiots out there who will take the pain meds more religiously than antibiotics. Admittedly, I didn't want to feel anything of having been cut open for about 2 days, but the s/e of the meds hit me hard; by Fri, I was stuck in nightmares that I couldn't wake up out of. I decided to toughen up & live with a little pain.

Enough about that. The emotional part of this hit me today. Or maybe it's pms. Either way, I was driving along & a great song comes on. Before I know it, I've got tears. ~"stop an.d st.are, yo.u thi.nk you'r.e mo.ving, but you'v.e go.ne nowh.ere. Ye.ah I kn.ow that ev.er.yo.ne ge.ts sca.red, but I've be.co.me wh.at I can't be."~ Ugh. It's official. I've had a surgery for the sole purpose of "I can't reproduce & there's gotta be something wrong with me". Yes, this probably sounds idiodic with being separated & all. "Steph, don't you mean you can't reproduce because you haven't had sex since April?" Well, yeah, clearly. But other than that? To have a surgery to clear out stuff that shouldn't be there in the first place is kinda hard to swallow. How can this be me? My whole life, the plan included getting married & having kids. Not just included, that was the plan. The only plan. No real backup plan there. Why does there have to be a plan to GET TO the plan now? This sucks. How are there so many other women out there who make it look so blasted easy? (this rant is NOT against any of my currently pg IF friends, i still love you & am very happy that you got there)

 Have I mentioned the pg 19yr old at work? She makes me sick. She's about 5 months along & since she decided to face up to her parents & tell them about this one (yes, "this one", 2nd pg of the yr, she took the other route for the first one), we're all supposed to be happy for her & supportive & interested in details. Well, I"M NOT!!! I want to tell her parents about the first one. She says that they already know this one's not her bf's baby, so I'd like to ask everyone else at work how they're putting on a happy face for princess sleeparound. And I REALLY want to shake her & ask where she gets off thinking of a pg, a baby, a human life, as so easy to come by that she can just pick & choose which ones are inconvenient & which ones are a reason for joy-  which ones die & which ones get to be raised. Then I want her to let me know why, by all rights of reason, she thinks that SHE should be responsible for the upbringing of this innocent child. It's just not right! And it's one of the things that makes me think others' crazy. That everyone views this as "normal". While there are married, adult women with stable home lives & much to offer a child. Women who would view the baby as precious from the moment they found out about it. If only they could find out about it. If they could give it a stable first environment. Those of us who would move heaven & earth to be able to gestate, to bring about life, to have a life entrusted into our care.

Like I said, I've never been literally sucker punched. But I have a feeling this is a lot what it would feel like. Please forgive my little pitty party. Or join in to let me know I'm not the only one! I love ya all, thanks for staying with me. =)

Post Lap

Hi! Thanks for all the nice comments. It all went pretty well. The dr did not find any endo, but he did find (and remove) 2 small fibroids. He also drained several of the cysts. So, I'm relieved that it's not endo, but also glad that there was something there. They also shot dye through my tubes & found them to be perfectly clear. :)

So, things that no one tells you about it- the stuff they put in your iv is freakin cold! And it makes your whole body feel like lead. You will dribble on yourself trying to take a drink in the recovery room. I vaguely remember telling the nurse that I'm usually pretty good w/straws. She giggled & said it happens to everyone. On that note, recovery nurses probaby hear a LOT of secrets & stories. Anesthetic works better than truth serum! (not that i have a point of reference on that.) It also messes with your memory. I did a couple pages in a coloring book at mom's, but I don't really remember doing it. The colors are pretty good though, normal stuff.

Yesterday, my shoulders hurt worse than anything. Oh & they catherize during surgery, so it BURNS to go potty the first few times. Today, the incisions hurt a little, but I'm keeping up on the pain meds & anti-nausea meds. Oh & when I cough (dang tube down my throat!), it's best to hold my side. I did think it was very cool of them to wait until I was fully out before doing the cath & tube, & they were both out by the time I woke up. I have not been hungry. Food sounds good, but I don't actually feel like eating. Ok, I'm beginning to feel like this is a drug-induced ramble. So, I'll sign off for today. Here's a pic of the pretty flowers my in-laws sent me-

(Martini, who's been ignoring me since I got back, can't understand why I won't let him eat them!)

Lap tomorrow

Well, Today if anyone notices the time stamp. But I'm still up so it's still Tues to me!

I'm not really nervous. Or, well, anything. Exept thirsty. I didn't do my usual bedside water just so I wouldn't be tempted.

I'm kinda hopeful that they'll find something. I think my biggest fear is that they won't find anything. Even if it's not endo, there's gotta be SOMETHING, right? Right?!?! I would be shocked if they didn't notice whatever is on my left ovary. On the inside, toward the bottom. It's been hurting in varying degrees for a few months now. The randoms stabbing pains from it have gotten more frequent & I think it's what causes the spotting during the month.

So anyway. I also don't want to be out too long. I bought a couple all-cotton short sundresses for recovery. Soft, comfy, cute, not tight or binding, & I won't feel like I've spent the day in jammies. (actually braved w.al.mar.t for these!) I'm sure I'll be spending some time on line & catching up some stuff...... As long as I don't need too much of the pain meds. If I do, I'll be out cold snoring & drooling.

If anyone would like to see a really funny depiction of what I do, go to Y.ou T.ub.e & look uo Rai.de.r M.o.e's. I don't want to post a link that could lead anyone back to my blog, but it's worth it. Totally funny!

Alright. A.mb.ian has kicked in, so I'll stop before I get loopy. I'll definitely be catching up with all y'all in a day or two. Love ya!

Hi

 Whoops, it seems to have been a while. Sorry. Overall things are going pretty well. Except that today I'm home sick from work. I won't go into gory details, but I hae a cyst that is messing with my whole body. I had just been in pain most of the wk, but today the bathroom has been my "bff". Has anyone ever tried the ginger chews from T.J's? Good stuff, I think I've eaten almost a whole bag today.

 I'm happy to report that T took me seriously & sched a Dr. appt w/i 2wks of being there. He saw a sleep specialist who has put him on a rather aggressive weight loss program. He still needs to do the actual sleep study too. He also started seeing a therapist & is taking meds. The therapist is also working with him on communication skills & being more assertive upfront. Most important, he has started taking his spiritual life seriously. Our religion has biblical guidelines for the members & even in how husbands & wives should treat each other. He's been getting help from the elders & making better use of prayer to put those principles in action.

 After the first couple wks of me being really angry, we started talking on a nearly daily basis & it's daily now. We've talked & actually listened to each other's points. We've also been trying to do some spiritual reading/discussion together at least once a week. My lap is in 6wks, so we're planning on me going out there in Sept. I'll visit for a wk to make sure he's really done the things he's said. Then he'll prob either be flying home with me or shortly there after. He's already started putting feelers out for a job. So far, even from the indications I've gotten form his family, he has not tried to put any of this back around on me. He has accepted the blame for what he did & is working to fix the damage. I gotta say, I didn't know what to expect when I sent him away, but I'm really happy it's gone this way.

 My parents were rather worried about me going back over to the house the way it is. I agreed that it would be easier to stay here. :)  I'm happy to say that I'm planning on painting this w/e & we should start laying flooring Mon! Woohoo!  (Misty- dad's on board w/your carpet. call/text me!)

 Ok, so that's my totally self-centered little post. I'm amazed to see I didn't lose all my readers, you ladies are awesome. What's new with you? Fill me in on what I missed! =)

Checking in

Hello all. I really have so much in my head right now & none of it is coming out in any way that makes sense, so apologies in advance.

After reading  about the crap that Nancy is getting on her blog, I went back through & saved a few of my posts as "drafts". I really wish that Blo.gg.er had a way to password protect just certain posts, but I guess that works. I know it's just paranoid thinking, I don't get nearly as many readers as she does. But still, I'm feeling kinda down lately, & people can be really hateful.

Travis made it out to MT safely. Thankfully, it sounds like his family wants to help him improve instead of turning this all around to me being evil. It's so difficult to say how I feel about him being gone. Ummm, relieved? in some ways. Very sad that it came to this. Hopeful that it'll be a good thing in the long term. Pretty much everyone where I work knows he's gone, but not details on why. My boss pulled me aside on Thurs & I expected it to be a "keep it together at work" speech. Instead, he said that we're like a big family at T.J. & we look out for each other, so to let him know if I need anything. It was really sweet. I've gotten that offer a lot actually, but I really just don't know what, if anything, I need. I've actually been kinda numb & that's ok for now.

Oh & "thank you" FB for starting to remind me that this Thurs is our anniversary. Yeah, I really needed that! Actually, mom told me the other day that (assuming he gets his crap together & we can reconcile) when he gets back, she & dad are going to throw us a 10yr anniversary party. That's pretty cool. I'm not telling him that though, because I really want him to focus on improvement & not any certain date. He has sent me some pretty nice texts, and it seems like he's starting to see the big picture, but people don't change overnight & I'm still insistant on him seeing a therapist.

Well, that's about all that will come out even semi-sensibly. I've stayed at my parents' through the w/e, but I have Mon & Tues off, so will be getting back over to the house. I miss my kitties! The kitties here are super anti-social, mine are snugglers. I'll try to update again soon. Much love to all of you!

PS- If anyone is wondering why I didn't STAY private, well, ummm, it turns out that I'm a comment whore. So, "private" kinda sucks.

Very odd dream

So, a couple nights ago, I dreamt that I looked at the saphire in my wedding ring & noticed a crack. As I tried to look closer at it, the crack spread. I was trying to keep it from totally breaking, but the stone kept cracking until it turned to dust & fell out of the setting. That is so weird. My mind does not usually go to symbolizm in my dreams. I'll flat out fight with people, or have any number of other dream experiences, but very rarely anything like that.

Anyway. His flight is next Wed. We are going to meet up tomorrow night to discuss a few details. I think that's a good thing.

Oh & here's one I totaly hadn't prepared for- Someone asked me last night where T was. It's not someone who I'm real close to, but I also know that it'll get around that he's gone, so what's the point in not saying it? I simply said that we're separated & that he'd be going to MT for an undecided amount of time. This person's first reaction was "Why? What happened? What's going on?" I was a little taken aback by that & gave a blank stare for a moment before saying that we needed a little space & time. You'd think that any normal person would then assume it's none of their business, say they're sorry (or hope it works out, whatever), then shut their yap. Yeah, or not. I got this idiotic "advice" about taking this time to improve myself in order to improve the marriage. And to focus on the good  & the reasons why we fell in love to begin with. I smiled politely, but it was code for "shut the hell up & mind your own business". I have a sinking suspicion that the person last night may just be the first of such crap.

Anyway, if you haven't already, please go to Angie's blog & give her some love. It just isn't fair.

Heartbroken

Ok, ready to talk. On Monday, I confirmed a suspicion that I've had for a couple weeks. (no, he's not cheating on me [that i know of], that would actually make this easier). I think I've mentioned that money has been tight. I watch the budget like a hawk, I don't think it'll be like this forever, but you gotta do what you gotta do. So, he told me a few weeks back that he had gotten a "tip" from a customer, $50. The next day, he told me he'd gotten another one, $80. At the time, I didn't think much of it. But I was pretty mad when he was asking me for money a couple days later. He couldn't explain where $130 had gone, except for $20 gas that I knew he'd put in the car. Well, I got to thinking more about it....Who tips that much on a carpet job? I wondered if he had just pocketed a cash job, but who wants to think of their husband as a thief? I did ask him about it & he said it was not the main bill from the job.

Last week, the "where did the money go" discussion came up again. I was doing the math on what his check was, what mine was, which bills had been paid, etc. I kept coming up $70 short. I refused to believe that he just "didn't know" where it had gone. I kept pushing. He finally snapped at me that he'd given it as a payment to someone he'd borrowed money from, (his boss) but he didn't want to tell me because I'd be mad that it wasn't spent on whatever I had planned out in my head. Ooo-Kaaay. No I wouldn't. I was mad that he would sit there for so long while I was trying to figure it out.

Over the w/e, he ticked me off just by not doing anything. I went to work both days, then went home & worked on the house. Even if it was something small, I did something. Sunday night, I ended up painting the fireplace & mantle (it looks sooo cute!) & he sat & watched tv. I was mad. He asked what I expected him to do, I mentioned that the ceiling STILL needed to be painted. He continued to sit & watch tv.

So, by Monday, I decided to call his boss & find out where we stood. I asked how much, expecting the answer to be $500- $600. Bill asked why I was asking. I told him that I'm trying to get a grip on where we stand with everything so I can do my budget. Imagine my shock when he said "All together, it's about $1300". I asked if that was before or after any payments Travis made. He said "what payments? I haven't gotten a cent from him". Really? Didn't he make a $70 cash payment last week? No. Not at all. Bill also confirmed my suspicion about the "tips". Turns out Travis hadn't so much borrowed the money, but had just taken it. He was taking the money from cash jobs, pocketing it, & still billing a comission from them. Bill had figured that I didn't know & he flat out told me that he hadn't been pushing it because he didn't want to be the one who broke my heart. (it's not him, i wouldn't even begin to blame him)

I ended up calling my MIL & laid it all on the line. I told her that I had enough money to stick him on Greyhound, or they could figure out transportation for him. She said she'd discuss it w/ FIL & get back to me. That was Mon. I haven't heard from her since. The first thing she did was call Travis. Whatever. His flight leaves next Wed, 6:30 am. I guess his parents are going to give him work when he gets there so he can pay Bill back. (i think it's for my sake, but bill isn't pressing charges) His ticket is one-way. He asked me how long I want him gone & I said I'm not sure. Until I feel like it would be a benefit to have him in my life. So, there we have it. I married a liar & a thief. But I don't have to put up with this for the rest of my life.

I've talked to the elders here & they are going to keep tabs on me (they're worried about my stress/anx level). They're going to inform the elders there of what's going on. And I'm going to write a letter to a trusted friend out there. Travis needs to be dealt with & I'll be damned if I let him & his family quietly sweep this under the rug. (there's always been someone around to clean up his mess) I'm at my parents' now & will be back in the house next wk when he's gone. I can hardly stand to look at him right now & don't want to be under the same roof, or sharing a bed. Again, thank you if you've read this far.

Going Private

Things have come to a head & I'm done. I'll be "single" by the end of the week. I'm going private to protect myself. Please leave an e-mail addy if you'd like to still read. (i think i have most of yours anyway, but didn't want to assume)  I turned on comment moderation, so your e-mail will not be published. I'm going to be ok, but gonna need some support to get through this. If you choose to stop reading though, I understand. I'll post details when I'm able. Love Ya!

Where's Sherry?

She's ok, no falling off the planet or anything crazy. She needed a break. I won't go too much into her personal details, but you've probably noticed that she's been rather down lately. Right now, she's doing what's best for her to get back on track mentally & emotionally. It's no secret to any of us who've been through it that IF takes a HUGE toll on us in many ways. She's told me that she's still on FB, but won't be reading any blogs for a while. It's not anything that any of us did & she still wishes the best for all of us. I gave her the option of e-mailing me something to post to my blog for everyone & she may do that in the future.

In other news, I called in sick to work today. I have been sick to my stomach & dizzy all day. (TMI warning!) AF has also brought "intestinal discomfort" & I'm soaking through super tampons every 2hrs. Fun times. I HATE calling in! I feel like a bum. So, between pain & hormone hell, I've mulled over the idea of sitting & crying all day. Not productive, so it's "opt #2" right now. The woman from surg scheduling called me back. We'll be waiting until Aug. to do the Lap, just to make sure ins doesn't reject it as "pre-x". What's 3 more months of pain, right?

Ok, I'm gonna make some tea & do some crochet now. I hope you're all having a good day!

Bravery takes many forms

When I first got online, I was just going to tell you about my dr appt. But then I got to reading up on blogs & decided to take a new approach.

First, I was reading blogs that talked about the new, really stupid P.ET.A campaign. It's very brave of the women who've stood up to them by writing letters. It's also brave for those of us who've taken lesser steps, but still signed the petition, or posted it on FB. We all go through so much emotionally for this that to still stand up to a big, powerful entity is just awesome.

Then I looked over blogs of people who've been through incredible losses & difficulties, yet still find a way to keep going every day. Their strength & endurance is amazing.

It actually takes a measure of bravery to blog at all. We put our good & bad out there. Sometimes even very private thoughts & feelings. It opens us up to receive love & support from others, but sometimes also yields harsh criticism from total strangers.

As far as my original blog topic, I was brave enough to see a new dr yesterday. I bravely requested what I want & when she asked why I thought it would be beneficial, I clearly told her my reasons. She listened & agreed that it would prob be beneficial. She said during the exam that she didn't feel anything, but that doesn't mean it's not there. She said that some women can have just a spot & be in horrible pain, yet others can be full of it & not really feel anything. Now I'm waiting on a call that'll tell me what ins will cover & sched opts. :) I'm excited, but nervous. Other than wisdom teeth, my last "real" surgery was 2nd grade! It'll be worth it if it can bring some pain relief though.

Well, I'm at my parents' house doing some baking. I'm gonna go make frosting now. (Yum!) Much love to ALL you brave ladies! :)

First night at the house

Did NOT get us much sleep! Thank you kitties! Ping & Martini walked around "sounding off" pretty much all night. (i think Tini spent the better part of an hour talking to the tub at one point) Skittles spent the whole night growling at Tini because she just doesn't like him. (never has) And Buster was on the bed/off the bed, tear around the house, answer Ping, hiss at Tini, pounce on Skittles (in his defense, that one does yield a pretty cool reaction). So, mom gave ME an Am.bi.an & I probably would've slept through most of it, but T spent the night intermittantly snoring & yelling at the cats to knock it off. I'm amazed by how quiet the NEIGHBORHOOD is though! Oh & my parents didn't do much better. Mikey & Martini are "buddies", so Mikey spent most of the night looking for him. To any who have cats- Don't mess with their routine!

The house is not done yet, but I think this will be better. It's easier to get up there & spend a few hrs working on it before work, than to get up & my parents', try to get motivated to get over there, work for a bit, have to come back to shower & dress for work...

We don't have internet over there yet. I'll be over at mom & dad's for dinner fairly frequently (no kitchen yet), so I'll be able to get on, but maybe not real regularly. (for some reason, i don't like to just "disappear". maybe cause it worries me when other bloggers do that) I'll make it a point to load pics on the computer so I can show y'all the house soon. :)

Anon Commenters

But before I get into that- I forgot to give a big THANK YOU! to all you ladies for your support on my post the other day. Goodness, I had no idea when I got married or even when we started TTC that life woud ever lead us to this point. The ONE good thing from IF is that I've gotten to meet you ladies & I really do appreciate the bond we share. I've really never had this many female friends who I could be so open & honest with. (((HUGS)))

Ok, back to the original subject- I've posted anonomously to blogs before. Most of the time, it was before I had a blog or sometimes if I don't feel like signing in. I always leave my name at the bottom though. There has been ONE TIME that I posted anon (before i was a blogger) to someone that I thought was being harsh to a friend. My post was not published & I was pretty much crucified. I stand by what I said, but I learned not to do that. If I disagree with someone, I either keep it to myself, or try to find a way to word it nicely. But I always leave a name. Here's my reasoning on that. We're a group & kinda a close one at that. We've been with each other through quite a bit & know where we're coming from. I've looked at my own blog posts & when isolated from the rest of the story, any one of them could be taken wrong. (this is also why I don't comment on a blog without reading back a few posts) So, even if you've lurked & think you know the blogger, they have no clue who you are. I think there's just something about a no name, no face person coming in & telling you what to do that any normal person woud reject. (kinda how no one wants advice from a random stranger in person) What do you think? Do you take any certain "policy" when you're on a new blog?